Dancing in the Minefields w/lyrics (on screen)

i am sad today.
and a little weepy.

there is no longer a we.....
there is just a me.

i am dancing in the minefields alone.


 "We're dancing in the minefields
We're sailing in the storm
This is harder than we dreamed
But I believe that's what the promise is for
So when I lose my way, find me
When I lose love's chains, bind me
At the end of all my faith, till the end of all my days
When I forget my name, remind me
'Cause we bear the light of the Son of Man
So there's nothing left to fear
So I'll walk with you in the shadowlands
Till the shadows disappear
'Cause he promised not to leave us
And his promises are true
So in the face of all this chaos, baby,
I can dance with you"
~Dancing in the Minefields by Andrew Peterson

"I must say a word about fear. It is life's only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary, how well I know. It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unnerving ease. It begins in your mind, always ... so you must fight hard to express it. You must fight hard to shine the light of words upon it. Because if you don't, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you."
— Yann Martel (Life of Pi)

World Autism Awareness Day.

"You know how every now and then, you have a moment where your whole life stretches out ahead of you like a forked road, and even as you choose one gritty path you've got your eyes on the other the whole time, certain that you're making a mistake."
— Jodi Picoult

been having these moments for a couple of months now....
sometime life is hard & pointy, just like those forks in the road.
personally i prefer spoons all rounded with soft edges.
waiting for my spoon in the road.

paula

"There are moments when i wish i could roll back the clock and take all the sadness away, but i have a feeling that if i did, the joy would be gone as well. So i take the memories as they come, accepting them all, letting them guide me whenever i can."
— Nicholas Sparks

"It happens to everyone as they grow up. You find out who you are and what you want, and then you realize that people you've known forever don't see things the way you do. So you keep the wonderful memories, but find yourself moving on."
— Nicholas Sparks

the heart knows

i woke up today sad.
and i couldn't quite put my finger on it.
why was i so sad???
my heart knew.
it just took a minute for my brain to catch up.
17mths. 17 WHOLE MTHS. 17 mths since we said goodbye.

how have i survived? why is the world still turning without him in it?

these are questions i can not answer.

but i am almost certain the heart knows.

paula

my sweet, sweet boy, i can't believe you left 17mths ago. i miss you more than words could ever express. but i think, i think, you know all of this. i can't wait till we meet again.

with all my love, mommy

gonna give it a try!

i was reading through some blogs today and found this awesome post over at Team Ewan, and it really struck a chord. my favorite excerpt from the post is this.......

"....the hope I have in a future resurrection doesn't do away with or mitigate grief to any great degree in my present. "I hold both," .... "I can affirm with deep conviction my belief that God will raise my son to life again. And I can also say that living with the daily reality of his loss is hell, pure and simple. I know our pain is not without purpose, and I know we will see him again. But that doesn't change the fact that the present reality is hell."


"Though I grieve as one who does have hope -- and I thank God every day that I do -- it still hurts like hell. One absolutely does not do away with the other."~ Kirsten Petermann


she just hit the nail right on the head. this is exactly it. this is how i feel.

ohhh...to be as eloquent as others. sadly, i am not. but that's why i read other blogs. i read them b/c they can strike a chord in me or put down in words how i am feeling and i can go, "oh, yes! that is it exactly !!"

ever since wyatt died, i have felt a distance, an animosity between me god. i mean really, i am just mad as hell!! b/c just as Kirsten puts it....."it still hurts like hell" and it probably always will. but, ever since wyatt died, if nothing else, i have believed in god more. if for no other reason than the fact that there HAS to be something more.......i have to know deep in my heart that wyatt and i and all of my babies (mary, ethan, & my brown star babies, kendall & chandler) will be together again. and to know that, to feel that to the very core of my being, than i have to BELIEVE in GOD. i have to have HIM at the very core of my being and i do!

so to get to my title for this post "gonna give it a try!"
i also found this post while reading over at Sufficient Grace Ministries
this is what i am going to try......

Sufficient Grace Ministries is doing a segment called Walking With You Bereavement Support (for families grieving the loss of a baby or child). here is what SFG has to say about it ......."this segment features the telling of our stories, in weekly increments….encouraging one another by reading each story linked and leaving words of love and encouragement, as well as praying for one another."

on their blog post they ask "Will you walk with us?" and i am "gonna give it a try!" and say yes!

what this entails is........

Beginning next week, they will post a new Walking With You each Monday (excerpts from the original WWY).

The topics will be as follows:
Monday, January 9th – The First Steps (We will share the first part of the journey…finding out something was wrong with our baby)
Monday, January 16th – Waiting (We will share about the time we spent waiting to meet our little one.)
Monday, January 23rd – Meeting Our Babies (This post will tell of the precious time we spent with our sweet babies.)
Monday, January 30th – A Precious Goodbye (The funeral or memorial.)
Monday, February 6th – Naming our Babies (We will talk about how we chose the names for our children.)
Monday, February 13th – The Sea of Grief (This post will focus on the days of early grief.)
Monday, February 20th – The Ripples Flow to our Marriage (Grief’s effect on your marriage…relationship.)
Monday, February 27th – Sibling Grief/Next Pregnancy (Grief’s effect on Siblings and/or experiencing pregnancy after loss)
Monday, March 5th – For the Joy Set Before Us (The hope of heaven…and a glorious reunion!)
Monday, March 12th – The Healing that Comes from Praise and Thankfulness
——————————————–

i hope i can do this......
i am certainly "gonna give it a try!"
pray for me! (please!! i am going to need it)
pray that the words flow freely through me and that i honor wyatt and all my babies in the telling/sharing of their story.

i am really nervous about this.
wish me luck!!

paula