"Look after my heart, I've left it with you..."- Stephanie Meyer

tomorrow's the day.

d-day.

death day.

the day my world changed forever.

what was i doing the night before my son died? i was out eating with family and shopping for him. i bought him so many wonderful things that day. things that never got used. so what was the point really? i should have been there with him. i should have been stronger and made my husband let me stay. i should have never left his side. why did i leave him there alone. what was i thinking? what was wrong with me? i do not believe i will ever forgive myself. i do not believe i will ever forgive my husband. i do not know if i will ever be able to move on from here. not with the memory that while he was fighting his hardest battle, i was home asleep. i didn't answer the phone the first few times the hospital called because i had taken a sleep aid and didn't hear it ring. i may never sleep soundly again for this very reason. but what if i had answered the phone the first time it rang? what if i had rushed to the hospital and been there for him when he needed me most? what if i had never left? would he still be here today? i will never know, but i will always wonder. i will always feel the guilt of not knowing if it could have been different, if mommy being there could have made it all better. where was mommy when he needed me most??? oh yeah...... home in bed. yep, that's me, mother of the freaking year!!! :(

he holds my heart. i left it with him the day i said goodbye.

paula



dear sweet baby boy,
i am so sorry i wasn't there for you that last night. i am sorry you had to fight your fight alone. i hope you can forgive me. and i hope you know how much i have always and will always love you. i miss you. i'm sorry.
i love you.
"Look after my heart, I've left it with you..."
mommy

 

"I cursed your very existence; Damning you to hell; Then dropped to my knees and prayed,That you'd take me as well; But today I stand here defiantly; Holding firm to my place;Your worst you have already done; Everything else I can face"~Angira Draggon~ (From Her Poem "My Words To Death")


trying to pull myself together. trying to be a better me. looks like a lot of counseling is in my future. but i have faced the worst and i can face what ever comes next.

Silent Tears
By Emily Hughes

After all the months of sorrow,
After the many hours of pain,
What is left of ourselves is hollow,
What is here,  is never  the same.
When at first we were quite vocal,
And many stood to hear,
Those who would listen have moved on,
And we are left with our silent tears.
We cry when we remember,
We cry when we forget,
We cry  until our tears run out,
And we cry because it’s all we have left.
While the world continues turning,
And the weeks turn into years,
We are mother’s forever mourning,
Shedding silent tears.


i got my update. (b/c i am a crazy person and can't bring myself to unsubscribe to babycenter) it reads......


Your 12-month-old: Week 3
Look who's talking now! Your 1-year-old is working hard on being able to tell you what's going on in his busy brain.


oh how i wish that were true. how i wish my baby was learning to talk. how i wish there was a way wyatt could tell me what was going on. even if he has to be  far away, if he could just get me a message to let me know what was going on in his busy brain. to know that, to be able to feel like i was a part of his life, how awesome that would be.

as it is, i am coming up on the 16-month anniversary of his last day. 16 months of wishing he were here with me.

paula 



my dear sweet wyatt,
oh to hug you and love on you, how great would that be??? i still miss you and love you, more and more each day. i wish there was a way to see you. to be with you. to know you were doing ok. come visit me in my dreams, sweet one, i would love to see you there.
until we are together again
i love you
mommy

Broken

One thing I truly knew - knew it in the pit of my stomach, in the center of my bones, knew it from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet, knew it deep in my empty chest - was how love gave someone the power to break you"
— Stephenie Meyer (Twilight)


still feel so broken most days.
missing my baby like crazy.
ready for christmas to be over.

i look back at what i just wrote and it shows just how i feel. i am a bunch of short, choppy sentences. broken and cut off, not fully realizing their potential. we had so much potential, my baby and i, but we were cut short. now i am left broken and feeling cut off from what i know should and could be.

do i go to holidays at the in-laws and have my heart ripped out again? do i sit through the torture of watching a baby boy be passed around like mine should have been last year? or...... do i suck it up and go, so that i do not let down those i love and hold most dear?

them or me, them or me. it seems like a battle i can't win. so i guess in the end it boils down to what will hurt the most?

i just don't know.
but i think i do.
but i don't ....


paula

The most important things

"The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them -- words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out. But it's more than that, isn't it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That's the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a tellar but for want of an understanding ear."
— Stephen King (Different Seasons)

Undo it, take it back, make every day the previous one until I am returned to the day before the one that made you gone. Or set me on an airplane travelling west, crossing the dateline again and again, losing this day, then that, until the day of loss is still ahead, and you are here, instead of sorrow.

Nessa Rapaport, A Woman's Book of Grieving

missing you baby, today and everyday.
what i wouldn't give to have those days back.
love, mommy

old.

i am 35. i am not that old. i feel like i must be a thousand body, mind, and spirit. i think i have seen too much. experienced too much. lost too much. hurt too much. sometimes all these feelings come together like a wave from the ocean crashing in on me. it makes it hard to breathe.

i went to the dr. and am now on medicine that no longer leaves me thinking about my death and dying. that's nice. i did not like having those types of thoughts. the medicine also keeps my emotions a little farther from the surface which is also nice. crying at work... NOT COOL! we are still trying to figure out my anxiety/panic attacks. i know longer have the emotional upheaval that use to be associated with them but i still have all, and i mean all, the physical symptoms. the dr. is also doing blood work to see if the muscle and joint ache i have been suffering from is something other than fibromyalgia because there is no test for fibro. she is trying to rule everything else out. ultimately, all i want is to feel better. that last sentence is a lie. there are so many other things i want.

i have thought about this alot. ever since that first day home from the hospital. all i want is to go back there. go back to the hospital. go back to "my" room, "my" bed. back to where i felt taken care of and safe and loved. back to when i "thought", dumb me, everything was going to be ok. i knew it was going to be hard, but i truely thought it was going to be ok. how i miss blissful ignorance. and if i can't go back there, i want to go way, way back. i want to go home again. to a time when i could crawl into bed with my parents and i knew everything was going to be alright. don't get me wrong, i was never naive, i knew bad things could happen and that on its best day life could be hard. i just never knew it could be this hard or hurt this bad. but what's the old saying you can't go home again. because all the lessons learned can't be unlearned and if i turned back time i wouldn't have  the wonderful things i do/did have. but oh, i would give almost anything not to have to feel this pain.

paula