just saw this on book face (as my hubs calls it) and thought it was just so right.

From Resilience by Elizabeth Edwards:

"If I had lost a leg, I would tell them, instead of a boy, no one would ever ask me if I was 'over' it. They would ask me how I was doing learning to walk without my leg. I was learning to walk and to breath and to live without Wade. And what I was learning is that it was never going to be the life I had before."

paula

Help!

yesterday marked 8 months since we said goodbye to wyatt.
wednesday i got an email from sarah saying "It is our honor to add Wyatt to the well list.  We build wells in order of when they are added to the list, as we receive the funds."
she also went on to ask,"if there is a Bible verse that is special to you, please send it as well so that we may include it on the well."so this is where i need help.....
i have come across many bible verses that have spoken to me, but i want to make sure to get just the right one for wyatt.
does anyone have any ideas?
what is your favorite verse in memory of your child?

some of my ideas...

The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;
may the name of the LORD be praised.”Job 1:21
(is that too bleak and sad?)

People make plans in their minds, But the Lord decides what they will do..." ~ Proverbs 16:19
( i like this verse but i think it may be more of a verse for me and not really honor wyatt's memory)

Psalm 31:7 “I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul.”
(again i think this one may speak more for me)

Luke 18:16 - But Jesus called for them, saying, "Permit the children to come to Me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.
(am afraid this one is used a lot and i do want something original??? for my sweet boy)

All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.~Psalm 139:16~
(i like this one)

The LORD is just! He is my rock! There is nothing but goodness in Him. Psalm 92:15NLT
(i think this is another good one)


"Lead a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God. Be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other's faults because of your love. Always keep yourselves united with the Holy Spirit and bind yourselves together with peace." Ephesians 4:1-3 NLT
(and i think this is really nice, especially in speaking to others. but i am not sure how it suits my memory of wyatt???)

I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of Him.
1 Samuel 1:27
( i think this may be one of my favorites......i prayed for wyatt, before i ever became pregnant with him.....and the lord granted me what i asked of him.though i do believe next time i may be a little more specific in the for how long department. but i will be forever grateful for my sweet wyatt and the 13 days i got to spend with him)

 

paula

it has been a hard couple of weeks. i feel like i have fallen off the map and may never find my way to climbing back on.

but i have been reading everyone's blogs and i think for awhile i will just be posting on this blog what has been helping me from other's.

here is one of my favorites from the past week. (i want to print it out and mail it to everyone i know. but that would be weird, right???)

I saw this article written by Corinne O'Flynn on Honoring Our Angels who saw it on the Rowan Tree Foundation and loved it. Honoring Our Angels says, "it's raw and full of intense emotion and I'm sure so many of us can relate." (i totally did)

Ramblings of a Grieving Mother

WRITTEN BY CORINNE O'FLYNN

Do you know me?  I used to be so cheerful, the proud owner of an easy smile.  I was optimistic and upbeat; pointing out the silver lining behind each of the dark and looming clouds.  I was walking across the bridge into motherhood, and felt full of dreams for this baby that was growing inside me, our baby, my baby.

Do you remember me?  I used to love going out with my friends, chatting on the phone, hanging out doing nothing, dishing over the gossip columns.  I was the one who laughed the hardest when we saw that show together.  I was the one who would spend hours shopping with you to find that perfect dress for your special event.

I was the one.  I was.

Then my baby died and everything changed in that moment.  When my baby died, that person I used to be died too.  I just vanished into a cocoon of self preservation, learning how to survive the incredible pain.  I didn't ask for this to happen, who could?  I also had no idea I would lose so much of myself to this.  Not unlike a butterfly whose metamorphosis happens while safely tucked away, I emerged completely changed.  Unrecognizable.

When my baby died a part of me was torn away.  My happiness went on hiatus; my optimism took the first train out of town.  My smile disappeared.  My soul became brittle and felt like it would just shatter if anything touched too forcefully.  My skin tingled with a strange numbness as I walked around as this new person in this new life. I was a stranger, even to myself.  Feeling weighted by a heavier outlook, I find myself in the mirror and do a double-take with these new eyes.

My husband and I are trying to reconnect.  It is not divorce or separation that we are resisting; we are actually becoming acquainted to our new selves.  There is so little to say, yet we have been through so much and it feels like everything has changed.  We feel tighter and closer, but so hurt and broken that we can’t find the words. 

My family asks where I went, and wonders when I will be coming back.  My friends don't seem to recognize me in my new self.  It is as though I fell into a magic sleep for a thousand years, and when I woke up everyone was speaking a different language.  I feel like I have morphed into a square peg in a round-hole world; I just can't make myself fit into the same old places where I used to be so at ease.

My job has become difficult for me.  I have lost focus, lost my drive.  My ability to concentrate has been taken over by the part of my mind that commands me to grieve.  Without a baby to care for, I am no longer eligible for maternity leave.  I don’t have the luxury of wealth to stay home indefinitely, and so I am back to work shortly after my baby died with no idea what I am doing.

People are moving on in their lives, and new concerns are demanding their attention.  They look back at me and wonder why I am “still” so sad.  For me it is like time has stopped.  Weeks and months later, it is as though my baby just died.  I watch the clock to mark time that used to be measured by calendar.  It has been exactly 24 hours since you died, exactly one week, two days, and three hours, exactly two weeks and five hours.  I can’t help it.  You died on a Saturday, and every Saturday marks an anniversary for me.  I can’t imagine being ‘years’ away from your death.

I don't especially like this new me.  At this time while my loss is still so new, it is all I can do to face the raw and unending pain.  Nothing seems to make any sense.  My entire awareness is wrapped around my empty belly, my empty arms, and the dreams for the child that will never be.  The future feels dead for me.

I struggle with the people closest to me whose expectations of my coping skills are not being met.  They express remorse that the old me has gone.  They wish for me to snap out of it.  They actually express anger that I am being such a drag.  I can see so clearly that they simply don't understand, even so, it is hard not to be resentful when they don’t seem to care to. 

They misread my reasons for declining those baby shower invitations, they don’t see that my reasons have nothing to do with my love for the mother-to-be and everything to do with my own survival.  Even putting these thoughts into written word feels dramatic, self-centered, and overdone.  But, it is so very real for me right now.  Part of me is embarrassed that I feel this way, and part of me is furious that I have to explain it at all.  The people who would require the explanation should already understand.  I suppose their expectations are not the only ones being left unmet.

Everywhere I go I am surrounded by pregnant women whose confidence about their baby and their future is impenetrable.  Their shopping carts are overloaded with baby things, and they chat happily about the names they are contemplating for their baby.  She is hoping for a girl, that one really wants a boy.  I contemplate screaming into their faces that the gender of their baby is the least of their concerns as I wonder if she will be like me; if hers will be the next baby to die.

My girlfriend told me today that she is pregnant.  I want to be happy for her, but her news makes me feel like my heart has been torn out again.  I swallow the rock in my throat and feel like I have been kicked in the stomach.  I have constant anxiety that the mailbox will bring word of the surprise shower for her.  Every time the phone rings I worry that they will mention our friend’s happy news.  I think about what to say so I can appear normal when the baby conversations start up.  I want to remind them that my baby died, but I also feel like I shouldn’t have to.  I am afraid for my friend with my new perspective on pregnancy, petrified of offending her in her blissful state, but still unable to take part in all of the celebration and the joy.

I know it sounds truly insane; I actually feel like I have gone crazy.  But there it is, and as much as I wish it were different, it is me.


what is so weird about this article is.....
that wyatt also died on a sat.
that my sil just told us she was expecting.
and that my husband was surprised when i told him that i love her (sil) and wish only the best for her but just can't be around her right now.

this new world i live in is sooooo weird, so topsy-turvy.
nobody "gets me" anymore, not even him.

paula

prayers

if you are the praying kind or the good thoughts kind.....whatever. please take some time for this little guy today. his name is bennett and he is having surgery today. he was wyatt's neighbor in the nicu and he has come soooooo far.

paula

welcome to my pity party...

tomorrow is his day.
will any body but me remember.
i have read a couple of different blogs recently related to jealousy over the love some moms are shown.
and i have to agree.
nobody in my world will probably do or say anything to me. it will just be another day to them.
not to me though.
needing to not feel so utterly alone in this right now.
the jewelery i have for wyatt.... my "armor" if you will....was all purchased for me by me.
it is just all so damn depressing.
can't wait for my sleeping pill to kick in so i can at least forget about this for at least 6 hours.

paula :(

nice days

"I believe the nicest and sweetest days are not those on which anything very splendid or wonderful or exciting happens, but just those that bring simple little pleasures, following one another softly, like pearls slipping off a string."
— L.M. Montgomery

nothing splendid or wonderful or exciting happened today, but there were some simple pleasures.

got to work with a wonderful woman, who is fast becoming a friend. she is teaching me how to crochet for a project i am hoping planning to do in memory of wyatt.(more on that later) and every time she sees me she has another little something made for the project and i am beyond grateful.

after work the past 2 days i have walked 4 miles on the green way with my daughter. this is such a wonderful time we spend together. the green way holds so many precious memories for me of my time with wyatt. he and i use to walk the same 4 miles everyday until i was put on bed rest and it was the first place i wanted to go after we found out he had passed away. now i am making more memories there with my daughter, she has just taken up walking as a form of exercise, and it feels like in some way it connects us all.

and to end the day, my daughter and i went to visit wyatt and bring him some new stuff. he got a new bunny and easter egg.

 just those simple little pleasures, made today a pretty wonderful day.

paula

"All morning I struggled with the sensation of stray wisps of one world seeping through the cracks of another. -- Margaret Lea" — Diane Setterfield (The Thirteenth Tale)

i work with an awesome lady, who i also call a friend. but in theory she is also my boss. and i cried in front of her today at work. i hate that. i also hate that i am so tired.....emotionally, physically, and spiritually. i hate that i feel so alone, so isolated, so by myself.

i was on the verge of tears most of the morning and then the rest of the day. i think part of the reason is "All morning I struggled with the sensation of stray wisps of one world seeping through the cracks of another." wyatt is so much a part of me that sometimes it just feels unreal that he is not here. sometimes when i think of him, it pulls me up short, when i realize he's not here. oh, how i wish he were here. the other reason for the tears, i realized later, his day is in 2 days. he will be 8 months. i miss him, but sometimes it is like the dreams i have, where he is here with me but i just can't seem to find a way to get to him. almost like a thin veil separates me and him. maybe that is it, maybe it is only a thin veil that does seperate us and he is closer than i think.

i think i will go to sleep with that thought.

and this one...

i wish he was here.

paula

my precious wonderful boy,
are you with me through out the day? is that why you feel so close? i miss you. i love you. words will never get it just right, the way i feel about you.
xoxo
mommy

Giveaway...

there is a giveaway going on.....and i am hoping if i enter enough giveaways, one day i might just actually win one. fingers croxxed.
so here is the giveaway. it is at lisaleonardonline.com. i am sure you have heard of her. she makes beautiful things.
this is what i have had my eye on...the  my treasure necklace
i want to remember my 5 treasures in heaven.
in addition, ever since i first found this necklace it has reminded me of the "jar of hearts" song. which i listen to ALL the time. i think it has kind of become my anthem.
anyway, not that i really want the competition, but go check it out.



paula

Letting go

Letting go doesn't mean we don't care. 

Letting go doesn't mean we shut down.

Letting go means we stop trying to force outcomes and make people behave.

It means we give up resistance to the way things are, for the moment.

It means we stop trying to do the impossible,

Controlling that which we cannot, 

And instead, focus on what is possible--

which usually means taking care of ourselves. 

And we do this in gentleness, kindness,

and love, as much as possible." 

~Melody Beattie

our electricity was out from 2:00 - 12:00 yesterday which means i got A LOT of sleep. but i did wake up at around 9:30 last night and accidentally woke my husband up too. which, it turns out was not a bad thing. he was know held captive in bed with no real place to go and nothing to do. so i just talked about everything that was on my mind and heart. i held back very little and i made myself expect nothing from him in return. that turned out to be a good thing because i got very little. but i do have to say in the beginning he was laying on his side with his back turned to me and by the time i got through talking he had rolled onto his back and closer to me. i am going to take this as a good sign, mainly because i need one, even if it is one i made up. but by the end of the night I felt better, just knowing that he knows how i feel and being able to get everything off my chest. i don't know if this is going to help but i hope it does.

so all that to say i am "Letting Go". it doesn't mean i don't care. it doesn't mean that i am shutting down. it does mean that i am going to stop trying to force outcomes and make my husband behave the way "I" think he should. It means i am going to give up resisting the way things are, for the moment. It means i am going to stop trying to do the impossible, controlling that which i cannot, and instead, focus on what is possible-which means taking care of myself. And doing this with gentleness, kindness, and love, as much as possible.

hopefully we will find our way back to the couple we use to be. maybe we won't. but maybe through all of this if i take care of me, i will come out of it ok.......

paula

Big Bro.

"For some life lasts a short while, but the memories it holds last forever."~Laura Swenson~

so my ten year old asked how old wyatt would be today if I had kept him inside ME longer and i told him almost 8 months.
then he asked if i thought wyatt would have gotten sick and died if I had kept him inside MY belly longer and i told him probably not.
he then told me if i was to ever have another baby and keep him in my belly long enough so that he lived, when he grew up he wanted to get "Big Bro" tattooed on his knuckles (which btw i don't get because none of us have tattoos but whatever) and i couldn't find the words to express to him that he is a big brother and he will always be, whether i have another baby or not.
he misses his brother.... he asks me questions about him everyday.

how do you explain all THIS to a 10 year old.... these are things he shouldn't have to know.


and i am going to be a little self-involved here...
but the worst thing, the VERY worst thing, is he kept saying what i have been feeling....
if I had managed to keep wyatt in MY belly none of this would have happened.
all of THIS is all my fault and he knows it/blames me too.


and then we read our bedtime story and did you know.......
sharks kill about 6 people every year
but every year people kill 100 million sharks.
i was starting to feel sorry for sharks but then we read this.......
sand tiger sharks give birth to just two live young-
which is all that's left after those two have eaten the other six babies in their mother's belly.

i no longer feel sorry for sharks...
this fact in a children's book .... wtf....could have done without that (but you probably could have to....sorry i shared) ......

where is the nearest rock, i just need to climb under one for oh......FOREVER!!

paula

wyatt buddy,
i love you sooooo much and i am so sorry my body failed you. i would do anything to change all this. but i wouldn't give up even 1 of the 13 days that i got to spend with you. i miss you little one.
mommy

fb sucks and sadness

well, sil is already posting on fb to the boyfriend about the new baby.....she just got deleted... as to not have to be a party to that any more.

dh and i are in a weird place....and we have been here for a couple of weeks now.....

started when a female co-worker of his got let go....... and we got into an argument over how upset he was over said termination........and later he proceeded to tell me in the 15yrs. we have been married he has never really loved me but has stayed because he has no where else to go...........

he later retracted said comment but it is just not right between us now.......
(sometimes his emotional maturity is that of a teenager in the "i hate you" and "you are so mean" kind of way)

and now this......

when i told him i would probably be declining any family get togethers for awhile, he got upset and told me i didn't have to act this way.

i"m sorry, yes,yes i do. for my own sanity and family peace, i do. i just wish he understood. and if another person even hints at the notion that i should feel sorry for a 30yr. old woman who got herself into this predicament.....they might get punched in the genitals also (along with husband and life)......hello !!!! when you are single with three kids and on food stamps and have made it blatantly clear you do not want to have more kids, it is called birth control, dumb ass!!!! in any form you can find it....in fact why don't you just go ahead and double up on that stuff....just to be sure.

all of this is to say that i am sad :(
and unfortunately life as i know it does not seem to be getting any batter.:( :(
wish it would...

i miss wyatt.


"And I felt like my heart had been so thoroughly and irreparably broken that there could be no real joy again, that at best there might eventually be a little contentment. Everyone wanted me to get help and rejoin life, pick up the pieces and move on, and I tried to, I wanted to, but I just had to lie in the mud with my arms wrapped around myself, eyes closed, grieving, until I didn’t have to anymore."
— Anne Lamott (Operating Instructions: A Journal of My Son's First Year)


paula

who flung poo

lots-o posts from me today....but my monkey brain needed to fling some poo and edumacate the masses.... here's your bit-o-history for the day...

The Pony Express, one of the most famous chapters in U.S. history, only lasted a little over a year, from April 1860 to October 1861.

"I am a Woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal Woman,
that's me."
— Maya Angelou

paula