monkey mind

"I am burdened with what the Buddhists call the 'monkey mind' -- the thoughts that swing from limb to limb, stopping only to scratch themselves, spit and howl."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

ok so here is the thing, i like random stuff....
quotes, music, useless facts.....
i am a lover of words and an information junkie....
and when i saw the above quote i thought it reflected my mind...
a lot of the time it is just wyatt, wyatt, wyatt
and then other times it just wants to fling poo and spout off randaom, useless facts....

so here is a little something for you....

the statue of liberty's finger nails weigh about one hundred pounds apiece.
and
about 167 billion pieces of mail are delivered in the united states each year
according to one of my favorite books

The best book of useless information ever: a few thousand other things you probably don't need to know (but might as well find out) [Book] by Noel Botham, Useless Information Society in Books

 

"The easiest thing to be in the world is you. The most difficult thing to be is what other people want you to be. Don't let them put you in that position."
— Leo Buscaglia

paula

Joss Stone - Security - Lyrics On Screen

"Security"

A loss that would have thrown
A hole through anybody's soul
And you were only human after all
So don't hold back the tears my dear
Release them so your eyes can clear
I know that you will rise again
But you gotta let them fall
I wish that I could snap my fingers
Erase the past but no
You cannot rewind reality
Once the tape's unrolled

[Chorus:]
If your spirit's broken and you can't bear the pain
I will help you put the pieces back
A little more each day
And if your heart is locked and you can't find the key
Lay your head upon my shoulder
I'll set you free
I'll be your security

A moment of despair
That forces you to say that life's unfair
It makes you scared of what tomorrow may bring
But don't go giving into fear
Stop hiding all alone in there
The show keeps going on and on
But you'll miss the whole damn thing
I wish I had a crystal ball to see what the future holds
But we don't know how the story ends till it's all been told

[Chorus]

On any clock upon the wall
The time is always nowSo baby kiss the past goodbyeDon't let the future blow your mind
Just sit back and chill
Take things as they come
You can't be afraid
To live for today
I will be with you each step of the way

[Chorus (2x)]
ok, so here is the thing......
i hate the chorus of this song...
 or in reality, just the part i crossed out, in relation to baby loss
but, otherwise,(i think i was just redundent, oh well) i think this is a beautiful song.
i think it is beautiful in how it relates to the whole baby loss community....
i know sometimes this....this THIS can feel so isolating
and it can make you feel so alone
and sometimes husbands can let you down (and make you want to punch them in the balls)
and sometimes society at large can let you down because they just don't get it.
but i wanted to put this out their for all of the women struggling in baby loss land
i think this community is so supportive and just there for each other and i want to thank you for being there for all who continue to come....

feeling kind of mushy today.
thanks for all the great comments from yesterday's post.
sometimes my husband can be a complete douche (but that is a post for another day)
and it is good to know that there are people out there who care and understand and just "get" it.

love to you all,
paula

dear husband....

my husband suffers from an extreme case of emotional constipation....
and it makes me want to punch him in the balls!!!!


anybody else dealing with this????


paula

i wonder....

We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.
-Kenji Miyazawa

i found this quote and it made me wonder.........
i must need a lot of fuel. and this journey must be quite the undertaking. because good lord, the pain in my heart does not cease and i wonder if it ever will.

my babes got their report cards yesterday. we had straight A's and A/B honor roll, woohoo!!! momma was so proud.
but.......
that got me wondering.....
i wonder if they have report cards in heaven.....
i wonder how my 16yr. old (mary), my 12yr. old (kendall) , my 6yr. old (chandler) are doing.....i hope they are making mommy proud. and on the same note....
i wonder if there is preschool...
i wonder if my 5yr. old (ethan) is being naughty or just mischievous or if he is a good boy, like his brother is.
i wonder if they have nurseries......
is wyatt getting all the love and attention that (i think) he needs....

i wonder if in heaven if everyone still has their own personalities.....
what would the personalities of all my children be....
i know wyatt already had a few strong personality traits in his short time here and he made them known. :)
i wonder about everyone else.
i think i remember ethan from his ultrasounds and he was pretty playful and rambunctious.
but i was just wondering...........

who knows....

it is funny......
all of a sudden i am wondering if i am spelling "wondering" right. and if i am, isn't it a neat little word.

the wonder of it all......
my babes near and faraway.....
the faraway.....

i wonder....

paula

to all my babes,

mommy misses you all sooooo much. i hope you all know just how much i love you. i hope you have everything you would ever need. and i hope you don't know the want that i have for you. that is something i hope you never have to know. until we are together again....it's family sandwich time. i love and miss you.

xoxo,

mommy

birthday card etiquette

had to sign a birthday card today and was at odds at what to do. do i sign wyatt's name or do i leave it off. i left it off. but somehow i feel like that was some sort of betrayal. that in some way by not adding his name it made him less?? idk the next card i just signed with the keith family and that is probably how i will sign all cards from here on out. but it just made me sad.:(

found this quote on fb and liked the end.......

take a chance and never let go~risk everything ... lose nothing~don't worry about anything anymore~cry in the rain and speak out loud~say what you want and love who you want~be yourself and not what people want to see~NEVER blame anyone if you get hurt~Because you took the risk and you decided it was worthwhile~

i took the risk and it was totally worthwhile and i would do it again.

dear wyatt,
mommy misses you so much sweet boy. i hope you know you are thought of every day. even more so we i am with you brother and sister because they would have been so great with you. and i hate that you are not here to love and squeeze on. i wish you could be piled into bed with us at night watching movies and being silly. i can't wait until we are reunited some day. i love you, i love you, i love you.
xoxo,
mommy

Be ok

today was an ok day......

Bette Midler - Baby Mine (HQ Music Video)

Baby mine, don't you cry
Baby mine, dry your eyes
Rest your head close to my heart
Never to part, baby of mine
Little one when you play
Don't you mind what you say
Let those eyes sparkle and shine
Never a tear, baby of mine
If they knew sweet little you
They'd end up loving you too
All those same people who scold you
What they'd give just for
The right to hold you
From your head to your toes
You're not much, goodness knows
But you're so precious to me
Cute as can be, baby of mine

missing you so much tonight sweet little one, rest your head close to my heart and sleep good, baby of mine.
love you to the moon and back my sweet baby boy.
mommy

7 months

today is 7mths. since wyatt passed away, i don't think anyone even remembered, but maybe i expect too much out of others. who knows??
 not a day goes by that i do not think about him and all he would be if he were here with us still......
wish i had a million more pictures to share, oh the regrets i have over the final pictures not taken. i so wish i could draw because right now these beautiful moments from that day are in my head and i am just afraid they will fade with time..
didn't take any on his last day. and have been looking for something that portrays the sweet time we had together before we said goodbye...
found this and it was pretty perfect.....

jeremy held our sweet boy this exact same way........

and this is how i spent some of my time holding my precious boy.....

i still need this piece to add to my others....but i think it is wonderful how well the artist happened to depict our final time together.

paula

my dear sweet wyatt,
mommy misses you so much today. i wish you were here so i could love on you and hold you close. i wish this day held no meaning and was just a day like any other for us. i hope you know how very much you are loved and missed. take care of your brother's and sister's up there and watch over your brother and sister down here. i love you sweet boy. make a family sandwich for us all.
mommy

Dear God,

i still believe in you, i always will. i just think this represents our relationship right now.

I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

And I've learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

Dear, it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?

paula

"And I felt like my heart had been so thoroughly and irreparably broken that there could be no real joy again, that at best there might eventually be a little contentment. Everyone wanted me to get help and rejoin life, pick up the pieces and move on, and I tried to, I wanted to, but I just had to lie in the mud with my arms wrapped around myself, eyes closed, grieving, until I didn’t have to anymore."
— Anne Lamott (Operating Instructions: A Journal of My Son's First Year)

how many times can a heart be broken and put together again??? somehow i feel like it breaks anew every day.

all this to say what everyone has heard a hundred times before, i miss my boy.

paula

mommy loves you, my sweet wyatt.

Family Fun Day

that is what today was ....and wasn't. my two monkey's are out of school for the week for spring break. so today we went to circus world (where else do you take monkey's) for some family fun. and fun it was....and wasn't...because some one was missing. he is always in my thoughts. he would have been (is?) 7mths on the 8th and he should be here with us. and not just in our hearts. i miss him so much and on a day like today when i am having such a great day with the family, all i can think is that HE should be here with us.

i was ready for a baby.....and just the little time we got to spend together, i could already tell he was soooo cool. i miss him what more can i say....

my son said it best the other day...he "liked it best before he knew about all this"(loss)....me too buddy, me too.

                                               i miss you, my little monkey...... we all do.

paula

p.s. if you haven't stopped by and prayed for Lucy yet, here is her mother's specific prayer request for today.

 Please pray specifically that God would continue to heal her back and she will not have any buildup of fluid. 

p.s.s. if you don't know about this wonderful mom yet, she could also use your prayers. she just said hello and goodbye to her second baby, Eli James, due to potter's syndrome.

please pray...

for Lucy her mother's request "Our specific prayer is that God would heal her back so that we can move forward with her treatment at St. Jude"

and for Bennett he is back in the hospital and his mommy would like for him to be able to go home.

paula

some quotes i found that speak to me and why.....

"Grief, a type of sadness that most often occurs when you have lost someone you love, is a sneaky thing, because it can disappear for a long time, and then pop back up when you least expect it."
— Lemony Snicket (The Carnivorous Carnival)

i guess my grief isn't so sneaky just yet, as it is always close at hand. but i did have a bit of a revelation at my counseling session the other day, and that is that through this first year it will just be a month to month thing, because that is how you count in baby time....1 mth., 2mths., ect. but after a year it jumps to 12, 18,& 24, then on to the yearly markers. so its ok that every mth i am sad when the 8th comes and goes because if he were still here that is how i would be counting.

"I have survived. I am here. Confused, screwed up, but here. — Laurie Halse Anderson (Speak)

i feel like i need this tattooed on my forehead.

"Success is going from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm."
— Abraham Lincoln

and this quote makes me sad....because now i wonder if this isn't what i am doing and will probably continue to do. going from failure to failure.....but some how it leaves me just a little optimistic in that i will probably never loose my enthusiasm for just the thought of bringing a new life into this world. i love my babies and the thought of more babies makes me happy. so i will go on thinking up names for my next child and just hold onto hope. and speaking of HOPE, i found this the other day...

"No one whose hope is in you
will ever be put to shame." Psalm 25:3

"But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him,
on those whose hope is in his unfailing love." Psalm 33:18

"We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield.
In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name.
May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord,
even as we put our hope in you." Psalm 33:20-22

"The Lord delights in those who fear him,
who put their hope in his unfailing love." Psalm 147:11

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12

"'For I know the plans I have for you', declares the Lord,
'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give
you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11

"But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what
he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have,
we wait for it patiently." Romans 8:24-25

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."
Romans 12:12

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess,
for he who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:23

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of
what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1

all these bible verse on HOPE, i need to print these out and put them somewhere i can see them everyday because i always want to be able to hold onto hope and the promises of god.

paula

visiting

went to visit my baby today with my darling daughter and our hunny bunny.....
here are some pics.

dragon fly solar lights

here my girl is trying to make a rub of wyatt's headstone

his valentine bear from my mom

i know his space is really sparse right now but we are in the process of getting rid of the christmas/winter and bringing in the spring. i have already put up some pretty cute solar dragonfly lights. just wanted to share. who would of ever thought i would be doing this in real life.

paula

lurker

i guess i have been a lurker, before i knew what one was. before i lost wyatt, i did not blog, but i had already fallen in love with reading blogs. today, i just wanted to share one of favorite blogs to read, both then and now. it always has a way of putting my life into perspective. no matter how great my loss, and quite a few of them have been/felt massive (to me at least), it could alwasy be soooo much worse.

here is the link  http://kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com/

today's post is beautifully written (i think) but i think all her posts really are.

go check her out

paula

rainbows...

found this free printable at http://rebeccacooper.blogspot.com/2011/03/rainbow-printable.html. and thought of all the blm out there experiencing or waiting for their rainbow, thought some of you just might like this......

 
hope you have a peaceful day,

paula

pray

"Sisters, do not pray for tasks equal to your abilities...pray for abilities equal to your tasks."  Thomas S. Monson

i need abilities equal to my task. i am wiped out. it is only my second week back at work and it is like trying to walk through water. i am so sluggish and so tired. and i don't think the sleeping pills are helping with the tired feeling but they keep the nightmares at bay, so i don't know which is the lesser of the two evils. 

it doesn't help that the 8th is in five days and it will be 7mths. without wyatt. one of the kids in my class has a birthday on the 8th so we talked about the 8th ALLLLL day. sometimes it feels like i am just banging my head against a wall. maybe it is because the world didn't STOP like i wanted it to when wyatt died. why couldn't it have just STOP ed like i wanted it too, just for a little while. just until i was ready to get out and deal with again. a year maybe two that's all i ask. not to much to expect right????

anyway missing my boy and wishing he was here. 

paula

love you wyatt.....forever and ever.
mommy

he is my sunshine

can't sleep...... missing my boy.
he is my sunshine. i sang this song to him in the hospital. sometimes i wonder in a weird twist of fate, if it wasn't some kind of foreshadowing?? i hope he was able to feel the love i had for him while he was here and i hope he feels it now.

mommy lo0ves you my sweet wyatt. forever and ever.

i drank the kool aid

so i did it. i drank the kool aid and bought my first pandora bracelet and charm......a momma monkey and her little monkey, in memory of my little monkey, wyatt........wow!! i miss him!!
but anyhoo...here's a pic.

 

it is part of a set called "a mother's love"

ther is no doubt i will have to have the rest.

 

   

 

 

paula