"Look after my heart, I've left it with you..."- Stephanie Meyer

tomorrow's the day.

d-day.

death day.

the day my world changed forever.

what was i doing the night before my son died? i was out eating with family and shopping for him. i bought him so many wonderful things that day. things that never got used. so what was the point really? i should have been there with him. i should have been stronger and made my husband let me stay. i should have never left his side. why did i leave him there alone. what was i thinking? what was wrong with me? i do not believe i will ever forgive myself. i do not believe i will ever forgive my husband. i do not know if i will ever be able to move on from here. not with the memory that while he was fighting his hardest battle, i was home asleep. i didn't answer the phone the first few times the hospital called because i had taken a sleep aid and didn't hear it ring. i may never sleep soundly again for this very reason. but what if i had answered the phone the first time it rang? what if i had rushed to the hospital and been there for him when he needed me most? what if i had never left? would he still be here today? i will never know, but i will always wonder. i will always feel the guilt of not knowing if it could have been different, if mommy being there could have made it all better. where was mommy when he needed me most??? oh yeah...... home in bed. yep, that's me, mother of the freaking year!!! :(

he holds my heart. i left it with him the day i said goodbye.

paula



dear sweet baby boy,
i am so sorry i wasn't there for you that last night. i am sorry you had to fight your fight alone. i hope you can forgive me. and i hope you know how much i have always and will always love you. i miss you. i'm sorry.
i love you.
"Look after my heart, I've left it with you..."
mommy

 

"I cursed your very existence; Damning you to hell; Then dropped to my knees and prayed,That you'd take me as well; But today I stand here defiantly; Holding firm to my place;Your worst you have already done; Everything else I can face"~Angira Draggon~ (From Her Poem "My Words To Death")


trying to pull myself together. trying to be a better me. looks like a lot of counseling is in my future. but i have faced the worst and i can face what ever comes next.

Silent Tears
By Emily Hughes

After all the months of sorrow,
After the many hours of pain,
What is left of ourselves is hollow,
What is here,  is never  the same.
When at first we were quite vocal,
And many stood to hear,
Those who would listen have moved on,
And we are left with our silent tears.
We cry when we remember,
We cry when we forget,
We cry  until our tears run out,
And we cry because it’s all we have left.
While the world continues turning,
And the weeks turn into years,
We are mother’s forever mourning,
Shedding silent tears.


i got my update. (b/c i am a crazy person and can't bring myself to unsubscribe to babycenter) it reads......


Your 12-month-old: Week 3
Look who's talking now! Your 1-year-old is working hard on being able to tell you what's going on in his busy brain.


oh how i wish that were true. how i wish my baby was learning to talk. how i wish there was a way wyatt could tell me what was going on. even if he has to be  far away, if he could just get me a message to let me know what was going on in his busy brain. to know that, to be able to feel like i was a part of his life, how awesome that would be.

as it is, i am coming up on the 16-month anniversary of his last day. 16 months of wishing he were here with me.

paula 



my dear sweet wyatt,
oh to hug you and love on you, how great would that be??? i still miss you and love you, more and more each day. i wish there was a way to see you. to be with you. to know you were doing ok. come visit me in my dreams, sweet one, i would love to see you there.
until we are together again
i love you
mommy

Broken

One thing I truly knew - knew it in the pit of my stomach, in the center of my bones, knew it from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet, knew it deep in my empty chest - was how love gave someone the power to break you"
— Stephenie Meyer (Twilight)


still feel so broken most days.
missing my baby like crazy.
ready for christmas to be over.

i look back at what i just wrote and it shows just how i feel. i am a bunch of short, choppy sentences. broken and cut off, not fully realizing their potential. we had so much potential, my baby and i, but we were cut short. now i am left broken and feeling cut off from what i know should and could be.

do i go to holidays at the in-laws and have my heart ripped out again? do i sit through the torture of watching a baby boy be passed around like mine should have been last year? or...... do i suck it up and go, so that i do not let down those i love and hold most dear?

them or me, them or me. it seems like a battle i can't win. so i guess in the end it boils down to what will hurt the most?

i just don't know.
but i think i do.
but i don't ....


paula

The most important things

"The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them -- words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out. But it's more than that, isn't it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That's the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a tellar but for want of an understanding ear."
— Stephen King (Different Seasons)

Undo it, take it back, make every day the previous one until I am returned to the day before the one that made you gone. Or set me on an airplane travelling west, crossing the dateline again and again, losing this day, then that, until the day of loss is still ahead, and you are here, instead of sorrow.

Nessa Rapaport, A Woman's Book of Grieving

missing you baby, today and everyday.
what i wouldn't give to have those days back.
love, mommy

old.

i am 35. i am not that old. i feel like i must be a thousand body, mind, and spirit. i think i have seen too much. experienced too much. lost too much. hurt too much. sometimes all these feelings come together like a wave from the ocean crashing in on me. it makes it hard to breathe.

i went to the dr. and am now on medicine that no longer leaves me thinking about my death and dying. that's nice. i did not like having those types of thoughts. the medicine also keeps my emotions a little farther from the surface which is also nice. crying at work... NOT COOL! we are still trying to figure out my anxiety/panic attacks. i know longer have the emotional upheaval that use to be associated with them but i still have all, and i mean all, the physical symptoms. the dr. is also doing blood work to see if the muscle and joint ache i have been suffering from is something other than fibromyalgia because there is no test for fibro. she is trying to rule everything else out. ultimately, all i want is to feel better. that last sentence is a lie. there are so many other things i want.

i have thought about this alot. ever since that first day home from the hospital. all i want is to go back there. go back to the hospital. go back to "my" room, "my" bed. back to where i felt taken care of and safe and loved. back to when i "thought", dumb me, everything was going to be ok. i knew it was going to be hard, but i truely thought it was going to be ok. how i miss blissful ignorance. and if i can't go back there, i want to go way, way back. i want to go home again. to a time when i could crawl into bed with my parents and i knew everything was going to be alright. don't get me wrong, i was never naive, i knew bad things could happen and that on its best day life could be hard. i just never knew it could be this hard or hurt this bad. but what's the old saying you can't go home again. because all the lessons learned can't be unlearned and if i turned back time i wouldn't have  the wonderful things i do/did have. but oh, i would give almost anything not to have to feel this pain.

paula

Check This Out!!

Fran at Small Bird Studios is having a giveaway. Go enter for your chance to win a beautiful memory box. I have. I want an oval one in green and brown for Wyatt.. :)

Fran is also hosting the 12 days of christmas with you in heaven. She does so much for this community of women. What an inspiration.

So go over and check it out.

paula

Once in a Life Time

“Once in a young lifetime one should be allowed to have as much sweetness as one can possibly want and hold.” ― Judith Olney


                                                                     my sweetness

face time

my face feels sad. it feels heavy. it feels like it wants to cry. it is the only way i can explain it. i, myself, am not particularly happy or sad but it seems my face feels as though it is.

it is the strangest sensation.

it is right up there with feeling so hollow inside and yet feeling like i am about to burst at the same time.

i don't know how to explain it any better then that.

but isn't that odd?

my face feels sad. :(

i carry your heart with me

by e e cummings

 

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
                                  i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

just a few more odds and ends

"You might want to lie down... "I find that it helps when the crushing sense of horrible realization sets in."
— Cassandra Clare (City of Ashes)

i do believe that this may be the very reason i sleep all the time.

my sister-in-law had her healthy baby boy the other day. so i had to lay down after that realization set in. i found it helpful. though it did not stop the tears.

bankrupt

Disappointment is a sort of bankruptcy - the bankruptcy of a soul that expends too much in hope and expectation.
Eric Hoffer

this & that for today.

i am feeling a bit like simon today. don't know who to scream it to or what i did to deserve this or to feel this way, but I'M SORRY! (p.s. one of the best movies ever!)

this little guy made me giggle. i need him in the worst possible way. i do, however, believe his cloud should be in grey or black. he can be found hanging out with the cupcake girls. this is his name,Why does it always rain on me? and what the cupcake girls have to say about him "This little fella just can't catch a break". i feel the same way. i think this is why he should be mine.

"When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone.” ― Fred Rogers

this little nugget of wisdom was found here at UnspokenGrief on facebook and is why i ♥ mr. rogers.

Tomorrow is World prematurity day. We remember and honor all those beautiful babies born too soon into this world.

5 of my babies were born premature. i am lucky that kayla and cameron were able to make it out of the nicu and are here with us today. i am blessed that i got to spend 13 days with wyatt while he was with us in the nicu. and though mary and ethan were born far to soon at 20 & 17 weeks and never made it to the nicu, they were held and loved and are forever missed.


paula

healing

"The healing begins when we can start to feel more gratitude that our child came into our life than despair and outrage that our child died. The gratitude is what heals the despair." ~ Ram Dass

i am not sure if there will ever be true healing for me. i am so grateful i got to have wyatt for his 13 days. i am also grateful that all my babies were a part of my life. this does not in any way lessen the outrage and despair of their deaths.

maybe i am just not there yet.

my mom or dad, i can't remember which, spoke to a lady at there church today who lost a child 29 years ago. she asked about me and how i was doing and they said ok, i just don't like being around people. and her response to them was so perfect...it went something like this...of course not, other people are happy.

maybe that's it.

don't get me wrong i am happy that i have the 2 i have. they are my bright shining lights. they keep me fighting and living this life.

but there is always the sadness and despair for what i don't have. i think i have used this quote before but i believe it says it best.....

“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.”
― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

paula

getting out

since losing wyatt i have become a bit of a recluse, a shut-in, a hermit, redundant. haha

so today i went out with a hiking group (though it was really just walking on a green way) and met some really nice people, took in some beautiful scenery, and thought about my boy (like i always do). but it was nice, right up until mother nature whacked me (i think mother nature may be mad at me for something, i am not sure what, but at this point i feel i should apologize) with a nut. mother nature threw a nut at me and hit me with it. a big ole walnut and it hurt. but it kind of made sense the beauty and the pain, that is what this messed up "new normal" is all about for me.

afterwards, the group and i went out to eat. i had not had time to stop and get any money and one of the ladies there, who i had never met, offered to pay for my lunch if i wanted to stay. the kindness of others never ceases to amaze me and warm heart. so when i found this on from to write love on her arms quote it just seemed so right.

"How beautiful a day can be when kindness touches it!" – George Elliston

here are some pictures i took today. taking pictures of nature is for me, like taking pictures of my boy, nature is what reminds me of him.

paula

did you know?

did you know while wyatt was in the nicu my husband and i did get to hear him cry. just once. but we did. he sounded like a little kitten. one of the sweetest sounds i will ever hear. somethings i don't want to ever forget.

miss you buddy.

love, your mommy

"Why didn't I learn to treat everything like it was the last time. My greatest regret was how much I believed in the future."
— Jonathan Safran Foer (Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close)

"Grief fills the room up of my absent child, lies in his bed, walks up and down with me, puts on his pretty looks, repeats his words." William Shakespeare

"The pain passes, but the beauty remains." Pierre Auguste Renoir

"Sorrow which finds no vent in tears may soon make other organs weep." Sir Henry Maudsley

"Saying nothing... sometimes says the most." Emily Dickinson

"No pessimist ever discovered the secrets of the stars, or sailed to an uncharted land, or opened a new heaven to the human spirit." Helen Keller

"Motherhood is a state of both the mind and the heart, a sacred place that is yours no matter the distance between you and your child. Not even Death can take it away." Joanne Cacciatore


just some quotes. because i have no words.

Are You Ok?
by Susan M Simpson


They ask if I'm ok,

Which answer would they like?

There's the one that they'll find easier,

Then there's the one that's right.



I could tell them that I'm coping,

That I'm moving on with life.

They'll smile sadly, nod, agree with me,

Not see my inner strife.



But inside my soul is screaming,

It heard that awful lie.

The truth they just don't want to hear,

This pain I have to hide.



My heart, it feels, is broken,

My spirit, that's gone too.

I sense there's no fight left in me,

That went when I lost you.



And this I cannot tell them

There's no words to explain,

And even if there were,

It would only cause them pain.



I can't pretend, I'm not that strong,

It only makes me cry,

Can't say the words to lie to them,

Don't even want to try.



I'm not 'ok' - will never be

Your life changed me, it's true

This sadness that I carry,

Is a mother's love for you.



So when they ask, I'll look at them,

Through eyes that burn with tears.

I won't deny my love for you,

With lies that quell their fears.



There are no words for me to say,

Instead I will just shrug.

And hope that it will be enough,

They'll leave with just a hug.



I know that if they try too hard,

Their words will just hurt more,

Though kindly-meant, they're meaningless

I fight this lonely war.



They'll say 'you'll have another one'

'Just try again', 'you're young'.

'Accept it wasn't meant to be',

'Get over it', 'move on'.



How could they ever understand

This sorrow that I hide,

Sadly, the only way

Is if they ever lost their child.



Other children I may bear,

And happiness might find,

That never will erase the love

For the child I left behind.



So please don't ask if I'm 'ok'

Don't try to comfort me,

The kindest thing to offer

Is a simple 'I'm sorry'.

my sweet wyatt

I Dreamed a Dream

And still I dream he'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
... And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.

-Les Miserables Cast


it is all so true. i dreamed things would be so much different with him here and with out him here it just isn't. nothing seems right anymore. up is down, black is white. all i want to do is cry. and the man i thought i could turn to, well generally he can be found at hooters or on a date with his mom. how did everything get so discombobulated?

i want it all back the way it was. i want to feel like i fit in my skin. because right now i just don't fit.

i miss this little guy right here..........

i wish i could find some one so good at photo shop they could take away all the tubes and put him in a moses basket. it was what i wanted for him. night, night little guy. i love you!!!

the video is up and Kirsten did such a fantastic job. it is just so beautiful. Say Their Names :: 2011
click on the above link to check it out. thank you again Kirsten, what a beautiful heart you have.

To speak the name of the dead is to make them live again.~Egyptian Tomb Inscription

Say Their Names :: 2011

 

In honor of National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day October 15, 2011 Today we remember the babies we love and lost too soon. Today we say their names out loud. We will always remember.

 

some other remembrances:

For the little girls who will never spin around in frilly dresses, or take a ride on their daddy's shoulders...
For the little boys who will never play in their first tee-ball game, or snuggle on the couch with their mama...
For the little babes who left us before we even knew your gender, or your name...
Today, and everyday, we love and miss the YOUs you should have become.

 

 

Today, we break the silence...today we remember the precious lives that ended so soon, leaving aching arms and yearning hearts behind...today we remember the dreams we dreamed...today we are comforted, as everyday, in the loving arms of our Father, wrapped in His unending grace. Today, we remember. Please light a candle in memory of these sweet babies today...

 

 

Tiny footprints on a mothers heart: when a baby arrives be it for a day, a month, a year, or more. Or perhaps only a sweet flickering moment, the fragile spark of a tender soul, the secret swell of a new pregnancy. The gold fish flutter known to you, you are unmistakeably changed....the tiny footprints left behind on your heart. Bespeak your name as mother♥

 

 

There are about 4.4 million confirmed pregnancies in the U.S. every year
*900,000 to 1 million of those end in pregnancy losses EVERY year.
*More than 500,000 pregnancies each year end in miscarriage (occurring during the first 20 weeks). *Approximately 26,000 end in stillbirth (considered stillbirth after 20 weeks) *Approximately 19,000 end in infant death during the first month.
*Approximately 39,000 end in infant death during the first year.
.....Over 1,000.000 parents with empty arms in just the United States alone.
Break the silence. Pregnancy and infant loss awareness.

 

 

MYTH: Losing a baby is very uncommon; it won't happen to me or someone I know. TRUTH: 25-50% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, over 60 babies are stillborn (die after 20 weeks) every single day (in the US alone), and over 20,000 babies die each year (again, in the US alone) in their first year of life, many after being born prematurely. Learn how you can help at www.iamtheface.org. ♥

 

 

I am 1 in 4 women who will lose a baby. Pregnancy and infant loss is not something that just happens to "other people"; it can (and does) happen to anyone--your neighbor, your sister, your coworker, your friend. Me. To find out more about this common, yet incredibly taboo issue, please visit www.iamtheface.org. ♥

 

i just signed up for this and think it is such a thoughtful way for my babies to be remembered on October 15, which is National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day.

here is the link if you want to sign up too...

                  Say Their Names





thank you kirsten for taking time out to remember my babies this year.



wyatt, ethan, mary, & my little brown stars i miss you all so very much.

I just want him back!

miss you sweet boy

                                                 

Ten years later, we stand with all those who lost someone on 9/11. We can't know your pain, but we can say that it matters. ~ To Write Love On Her Arms

 

i love this quote for today. i think it relates to so many things in life. even to my loss. i don't need anyone to tell me how they know my pain. i just need them to let me know that it  matters.

 

9/11 i will never forget!!!

 

i remember driving home from dropping my daughter off at school and hearing about it on the radio. i had just finished the Left Behind book series and was afraid that even though i was saved that maybe i had been left behind. it might sound silly but it was a real fear for me. i had my son in the back seat, he was only 1, and i remember checking to see if he was back there. he was and i remember for just a split second feeling relief because i wasn't left behind. but that relief was then shattered as i came to understand what was going on. 9/11 is a day no one should ever or will ever forget. i guess i just wish that people would understand this is the same reason i will never and should never forget the dates of my babies, those too were life shattering days to me.

 

but enough about making this all about me.....

 

 

For the husband who told his wife I love you one last time before his plane went down in a field, for the wife who stopped in the stairs to call her husband to say I will love you forever, for the mothers and fathers who kissed their kids goodbye the morning they died,for the policemen who rushed in with the firemen to help get others out only to die themselves, for the soldiers who fought back and lost their lives. today, tomorrow, ten years from now, we will remember♥

giggles

Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it. The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use. ~Earl Nightingale


i am so like a child sometimes. this quote made me think of getting pregnant and ttc. and well, "we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use." what a way to pass the time. sounds like fun to me. haha

paula

"... a good, long session of weeping can often make you feel better, even if your circumstances have not changed one bit."
— Lemony Snicket (The Bad Beginning)

I I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday. ~Author Unknown

Stubbornly persist, and you will find that the limits of your stubbornness go well beyond the stubbornness of your limits. ~Robert Brault

If one dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick one of those pieces up and begin again. ~Flavia Weedn

Fall seven times, stand up eight. ~Japanese Proverb



When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."~Author Unknown


There is no telling how many miles you will have to run while chasing a dream. ~Author Unknown

"Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent."- Marilyn Vos Savant

Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Some see a hopeless end, while others see an endless hope. ~Author Unknown

Once you choose hope, anything's possible. ~Christopher Reeve

these are just a few of my favorite quotes, if i ever want to think about getting prefgnant again.
and i sooooooo want to be pregnant again.

paula

wyatt buddy i miss you so much. i hate that another day has gone by without you in my arms. but any way i look at it, it is still one day closer to you. can't wait till the day we are together again.

"If I know what love is, it is because of you." ~ Herman Hesse

i love you......mommy

A Bereaved Parent’s Wish List
By: Emily Hughes-Angel Mom to Jack.
Revised edition
  1.) We wish you could understand, that even though we may have other children, or we may be expecting another one soon, it does not mean our hearts are not aching for the child who is not here. If one parent dies, and one remains, you aren’t expected not to miss the absent parent….
2.) We wish you could understand that we are not out to ruin your day or to inconvenience you at all. Sometimes, seeing everyone elses joy, especially children’s joy, reminds us of what we are missing so much and it simply hurts…
3.) We wish that you would help us to include our child in festivities and laughter. Simple things, like sending us a card, including our child’s name means a million times more than any store-bought gift.
4.) We wish you would not take it personally, when we do not decorate or participate in parties.  It takes a lot of energy, just to endure the commercials, music and other reminders that sometimes -we just need a break.
5.) We wish that you would allow us space to grieve and to experience the natural emotions that come from having a loved one gone , we would do the same for you, if god forbid, you lost a loved one.
6.) We wish you would not take it personally, when we do not comment about your child’s photo . While we are happy for you and your child, we know in our hearts that our babies will never another picture
7.) We wish that you go on to have your happy day, and that it is everything you love and want it to be. And that you can appreciate that for us, it just won’t be happy.
8.) But most of all, we wish that you will never have to endure this kind of pain, longing and heart-ache. We wish that no one ever had to know what this feels like.

One Year

My precious little baby... gone far too soon for this heart to bear... it's been a more than a  year since I carried you safely in my body... a whole year since we said goodbye. But it's been a breath since I have missed you, a breath since I've grieved, a breath since this heart has longed for you and ached for you.

but i guess this year that i am bemoaning is bringing me 1 year closer to you.

i miss you baby....but i am thankful for the good day you gave us before the last.

 8/20/11 was the day my baby boy opened his eye, to give us a wink.

 

 

 8/21/11 was the day we got to hold our son for the first time and that time was made bittersweet because we were also holding him for our last time.

he fought so hard and deserved so much more.  i miss you my little man. and i love you more than you will ever know. ~ mom

my baby boy

he should be one by now. we should have had a big ole' party for him and his sister together. but alas that did not happen and never will.

but he was mine. even if only for thirteen days, he was mine. and i miss him. and i want him back. more than anything in the world.......
 I WANT HIM BACK!!!!

“Sometimes, no matter how much faith we have, we lose people. But you never forget them. And sometimes, it’s those memories that
give us the faith to go on.”
-Anonymous


 i think about him, my little guy.  i think about this quote. the quote has got it all right. if it were not for the hope of seeing my son again someday i would have given up on faith. but that hope, that blind faith that deep inside me says i will see him again keeps me from giving up.

paula


dear baby boy, i am sorry we really didn't celebrate your birthday this year. but i think you know that and i think you understand. just know that had you been here with us we would have done it up right!! i can't wait till the day that we can celebrate together. i love you forever and always and to the moon and back.
~mom
p.s. could you and you brothers and sisters look out for kayla and cameron down here. there is just so much going on right now that i think if they could angels near by it couldn't hurt. and send the best at calming the storms to travel with your daddy. he seems to be in some turbulent waters at this time.
p.p.s. don't forget a family sandwich for me.
i love each and everyone of you.....
        mary, brown star 1&2,ethan, wyatt 
~mom           

me

"She wasn't bitter. She was sad, though. But it was a hopeful kind of sad. The kind of sad that just takes time. "
— Stephen Chbosky (The Perks of Being a Wallflower)

i wish others just new and understood that it takes lots and lots of time.

paula

HEY K!! This ones for you.

so my daughter says if i don't start posting more often she is going to stop reading. so this post is for her.

first and foremost happy belated birthday to you k, from my blog. the big 15, i can't even believe it. it has all gone by way to fast. i love you and the woman you are becoming. (how cheesy is that? but it is true!)

this is me and my k on her birthday.....

isn't she lovely??? i may be biased, but i definitely think she is. and you can't see it in the picture but she is also really smart and sensitive and so good at taking care of me. oh! and responsible, can't forget that. she has been waking me up for school since she was in the 3rd or 4th grade! isn't that amazing! amazing in that a child that young could be that together and amazing in that her mother could be that big a slacker!!! btw she still wakes me up. but as the commercial says "depression hurts" and makes you super sleepy. i would sleep all day if they (and by "they" i mean the world in general and my people. because for reasons unknown to me "my people" seem to like me awake and spending time with them) would let me.anyway, please excuse all the run on sentences it seems to be how my brain rolls these days. maybe it is the untreated adhd? who knows. don't like to mix my meds and fibromyalgia and depression first, adhd second.

second, k is a voracious reader. she likes all types of books and if she comes across one she really enjoys, she will lock herself in her room and finish it in a matter of hours. WILL GRAYSON, WILL GRAYSON by  John Green & David Levithan 2010 is one of those books. she asked me to read it and i thoroughly enjoyed it. and as many of you may know, i LOVE a great quote. so without further ado, in regards to my life and my loss, this is the quote that spoke to me most. (p.s. k i also underlined this in your book, in pen, hope you don't mind.?. ;0).......

'when things break, it's not the actual breaking that prevents them from getting back together again. it's because a little piece gets lost -- the two remaining ends couldn't fit together even if they wanted to. the whole shape has changed.'

i think this speaks to my heart. so many pieces of my heart are broke and missing that it could never be the same heart again, even if i wanted it to.......................................... 'the whole shape has changed.'

k, i hope you enjoyed this post. thank you for recommending this book, i loved it. but never as much as i love you. i want you to know, that if a mother and daughter could co-exist as best friends you would be mine. but i would never wish that to be, because i am so blessed to be your mom! i know your birthday wasn't the happiest on record, but i hope there was a lot of happiness mixed in. ~ love, your mom

one more of me and my girl.... i love her!!

and this was her birthday present last year......

how could we ever top that? she often asks "who takes a birthday present back after only 13 days?" i would like to know the answer to that question myself.....but that is a post for another day.

if there is still anyone out there reading this (because even my daughter is threatening to quit :) good night.

paula

forever mourning

The Mourner's Bill of Rights by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

Though you should reach out to others as you do the work of mourning, you should not feel obligated to accept the unhelpful responses you may receive from some people. You are the one who is grieving, and as such, you have certain "rights" no one should try to take away from you.
The following list is intended both to empower you to heal and to decide how others can and cannot help. This is not to discourage you from reaching out to others for help, but rather to assist you in distinguishing useful responses from hurtful ones.

1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief.

No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. So, when you turn to others for help, don't allow them to tell what you should or should not be feeling.

2. You have the right to talk about your grief.

Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief. If at times you don't feel like talking, you also have the right to be silent.

3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions.

Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Others may try to tell you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Don't take these judgmental responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings without condition.

4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits.

Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. And don't allow others to push you into doing things you don't feel ready to do.

5. You have the right to experience "griefbursts."

Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.

6. You have the right to make use of ritual.

The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. More importantly, the funeral is a way for you to mourn. If others tell you the funeral or other healing rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don't listen.

7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality.

If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with who won't be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.

8. You have the right to search for meaning.

You may find yourself asking, "Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?" Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. And watch out for the clichéd responses some people may give you. Comments like, "It was God's will" or "Think of what you have to be thankful for" are not helpful and you do not have to accept them.

9. You have the right to treasure your memories.

Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share them.

10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal.

Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.

still here....still hanging on.
still mourning.....forever mourning.
wondering if this will ever???
what?? what am i hoping will happen???
be less? go away? get better? change?
not sure....
thought it was wise to know my "rights" though.             
thought i might share them with you.


12 more days unttil wyatt's birthday
what to do? what to do?


will this ever get any easier?


paula

pictures , quotes ,and my thoughts on quotes...

“The greatest treasures are those invisible to the eye but found by the heart.” Anonymous

Wyatt is my heart and my greatest treasure!!

“Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dream.” Anonymous

Wyatt is my dream.....and the fear of suffering (because i did not go into this blind) would have been the worst suffering had i not gone in search of my dream.

i loved him.with my whole heart i loved him. coming up on his 1 yr birthday, that he shares with his sister, what is a heart broken mommy to do??? i just don't know.

dear sweet baby wyatt, you will always be that tiny baby to me, i miss you sooooo much. there just are no words to describe it. i love you with my whole heart and i always will.
family sandwich time
mommy

dreaming with a broken heart... & pooh

totally borrowing the title from a song by john mayer. but it's true, i am dreaming with a broken heart. though, in my case, the waking up isn't the hardest part. the dreaming is. my dreams, so far, have just not been pleasant.

so, i had a dream i forgot to feed the baby. no real chance of that happening, huh? and in it wyatt was reaching for his grandma and trying to get away from me. this is not the first dream i have had about him but like the other's it wasn't a "good" dream or a dream that left me feeling at "peace", like everything was ok. in all my dreams so far, i have been failing in some way or the other. in some, i can't find him. in others, i don't have the things he needs. and, still in others, i can't save him from the "bad" people who are trying to take him from me or can't seem to get him to want to stay with me. i wonder what this says about me? unfortunately, i am afraid i know. :( so most of the time, i just take my happy pills, so as not to dream AT ALL!! i wish i could get to the peaceful visit you in your dreams part of this. fingers crossed i get there soon.

anyway, pooh has some very thought provoking words to go along with dreaming.

"I think we dream so we don’t have to be apart for so long. If we’re in each other’s dreams, we can be together all the time." —  (Winnie-the-Pooh)

oh, how i wish we could be together all the time. but i guess if the only way we can be together is in my dreams, i will take them good or bad.

and in the words of my loving mother, she "THINKs POOH IS A REALLY SMART FELLOW".
(you will have to excuse her screaming at you. i just copied and pasted this from f@cebook and this is how she types (she is gettind old and can't see the letters if she doesn't type in all caps, haha)

so here are some other poohisms.......

"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard." — (Winnie-the-Pooh)
“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”(Winnie-the-Pooh)

 

"Sometimes,' said Pooh, 'the smallest things take up the most room in your heart." — (Winnie-the-Pooh)

 

 "I used to believe in forever, but forever's too good to be true" — (Winnie-the-Pooh)

"Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day." — (Winnie-the-Pooh)

"The things that make me different are the things that make me." — (Winnie the Pooh)

that last one is just for me......i read other blogs and feel so unexceptional. others out their are so eloquent and seem to have such an understanding of their grief, or at least the ability to put it in to words that others can understand. i do not have this ability. so i stick to my quotes and expand on them, almost like a prompt. but you see that's the thing, "The things that make me different are the things that make me." — (Winnie the Pooh), that's just me. i am not a writer, never wanted/professed to be one. this is just my journey, my way of working all this out, my tail, if you will. and in the words of eeyore "It's not much of a tail, but I'm sort of attached to it."

to anyone out there still reading this.....

hope you have a peaceful weekend.

paula

dear sweet baby of mine, hope to see you in my dreams. i love to see you, no matter what. i will you forever and always.
family sandwich time,
mommy