d-day.
death day.
the day my world changed forever.
what was i doing the night before my son died? i was out eating with family and shopping for him. i bought him so many wonderful things that day. things that never got used. so what was the point really? i should have been there with him. i should have been stronger and made my husband let me stay. i should have never left his side. why did i leave him there alone. what was i thinking? what was wrong with me? i do not believe i will ever forgive myself. i do not believe i will ever forgive my husband. i do not know if i will ever be able to move on from here. not with the memory that while he was fighting his hardest battle, i was home asleep. i didn't answer the phone the first few times the hospital called because i had taken a sleep aid and didn't hear it ring. i may never sleep soundly again for this very reason. but what if i had answered the phone the first time it rang? what if i had rushed to the hospital and been there for him when he needed me most? what if i had never left? would he still be here today? i will never know, but i will always wonder. i will always feel the guilt of not knowing if it could have been different, if mommy being there could have made it all better. where was mommy when he needed me most??? oh yeah...... home in bed. yep, that's me, mother of the freaking year!!! :(
he holds my heart. i left it with him the day i said goodbye.
paula
dear sweet baby boy,
i am so sorry i wasn't there for you that last night. i am sorry you had to fight your fight alone. i hope you can forgive me. and i hope you know how much i have always and will always love you. i miss you. i'm sorry.
i love you.
"Look after my heart, I've left it with you..."
mommy
Paula,
ReplyDeletePlease don't go there with the what was I thinking, what kind of mom was I. Please please please don't let the what if's swallow you up. It will tear you up and you will never heal from this. I did that for two years after I lost the twins. It was killing me and my family. You did what you did that night because you planned on taking him home alive. You are an incredible mom. Your kids at home needed you just as much and needed a night out with you. He will always have a place in your heart and he will always have a part of your heart. You love him, and he knew that. Even if you were not there, he knew he was loved by you. Remember that, cling to that. That is the truth.
I don't know, but we share a bond now. I care about you and I want you to heal so that when you remember Wyatt it is with a fondness not sorrow. Don't get me wrong, I know that there will always be some sorrow with our memories, but there is a place that you can get to and smile while you think about him.
I hope this does not hurt you or make you angry. I am just saying it because I want so much for you to go forward with the grieving process and come to a place where you can love him without all of the raw pain.
If this does hurt you or makes you angry I am very sorry. It is not my intention.
Kristen