Please 2011, please be kind to me. I have never been this ready for a fresh start. I'm counting on you to give me back some of my joy. I'm counting on you to give me back a piece or two of my heart. Please don't let me down.~ anonymous
but i must say... my thoughts exactly!!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 30, 2010
excerpts from my daily devotion
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.
I John 4:18
Knowing that God and others love us, plus our reciprocal love for them, casts out fear. It is impossible to be brave, if we love no one and think no one loves us. Love gives the assurance that we do not stand alone, and this braves the heart.~ Leroy Brownlow
Each person is what he thinks, and as he reads he thinks. Thus it is exceedingly imperative that each has a little time everyday for uplifting meditation.~ Leroy Brownlow
Every life, to be safe, must have a center, a point of reference, a point of return. Everything must have a center around which it revolves. In mathematics it is established in the decimal point. In literature it is set up in the basic rules of grammar. In Christianity it is found in Christ. He is the center. Our standards come from Him. "To live is Christ" (Philippians 1:21) ~ Leroy Brownlow
ok..well, that is it from me ...goodnight
paula
I John 4:18
Knowing that God and others love us, plus our reciprocal love for them, casts out fear. It is impossible to be brave, if we love no one and think no one loves us. Love gives the assurance that we do not stand alone, and this braves the heart.~ Leroy Brownlow
Each person is what he thinks, and as he reads he thinks. Thus it is exceedingly imperative that each has a little time everyday for uplifting meditation.~ Leroy Brownlow
Every life, to be safe, must have a center, a point of reference, a point of return. Everything must have a center around which it revolves. In mathematics it is established in the decimal point. In literature it is set up in the basic rules of grammar. In Christianity it is found in Christ. He is the center. Our standards come from Him. "To live is Christ" (Philippians 1:21) ~ Leroy Brownlow
ok..well, that is it from me ...goodnight
paula
how do i leave 2010 behind?
how do i celebrate the end of 2010? how do i celebrate moving on from the only year my baby was here. is moving on some how leaving him behind. if all my memories of him are tied to 2010, how do i welcome in a 2011 with out him. 2010 may have been a hard year but it was his year and 2011 will be a year with out him. how do i do this??? how do i move on? how do i let go but hold on? what do i do???
life makes me sad, life with out wyatt makes me sadder still. life without ethan, chandler, kendall, and mary there are no words.
paula
life makes me sad, life with out wyatt makes me sadder still. life without ethan, chandler, kendall, and mary there are no words.
paula
words of hope and strength
"We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the one that is waiting for us." ~ Joseph Campbell
It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.
-Rose Kennedy
"Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent."- Marilyn Vos Savant
When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."~Author Unknown
Fall seven times, stand up eight. ~Japanese Proverb
He conquers who endures. ~Persius
Stubbornly persist, and you will find that the limits of your stubbornness go well beyond the stubbornness of your limits. ~Robert Brault
"Tough Times don't last but tough people do"- Robert Schuller
Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it. The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use. ~Earl Nightingale
It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.
-Rose Kennedy
Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Everything that has a beginning has an ending. Make your peace with that and all will be well." - Buddha
"Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent."- Marilyn Vos Savant
There is no telling how many miles you will have to run while chasing a dream. ~Author Unknown
When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."~Author Unknown
Fall seven times, stand up eight. ~Japanese Proverb
If one dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick one of those pieces up and begin again. ~Flavia Weedn
He conquers who endures. ~Persius
Don't be discouraged. It's often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock. ~Author Unknown
Stubbornly persist, and you will find that the limits of your stubbornness go well beyond the stubbornness of your limits. ~Robert Brault
If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking. ~Buddhist Saying
"Tough Times don't last but tough people do"- Robert Schuller
I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday. ~Author Unknown
Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it. The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use. ~Earl Nightingale
mad!!!
i am just so mad....at everything i guess. but right now my singular focus, is on the fact that we didn't get any of the beautiful pictures of you, that i see on other sites. those beautiful pictures that we should have had with you. no pictures of me or your dad or your brother or sister saying goodbye to you. no sweetly posed photos or photos of you dressed and ready to go. no photos of you outside of your isolate. whose fault this is .... i don't know. though there is that ever nagging tingle in the back of my mind when they said it was because there were no social workers there on saturdays. so it is not bad enough you died but i guess we picked the worst possible day for you to do that on. and the part that makes me maddest of all, is there will never be another chance to take these photos. there will never, ever be another photo opportunity with you. and well that makes me mad and sad and it makes want to cry some more for ALL that was lost, but not lost because lost implies it can be found and none of this can be found or returned to me....i am just so mad. but not at you, never at you, all i ever will be is simply in love with you.
mommy
mommy
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
thank you!!
thank you to.....
http://tripletbutterflywings.blogspot.com/
for the beautiful butterflies released in memory of my sweet babies..
Chandler Keith ~ 6/22/04 ~ 8wks 1day
Ethan Daniel Keith ~ 1/24/05 ~ 17wks
http://tripletbutterflywings.blogspot.com/
for the beautiful butterflies released in memory of my sweet babies..
Wyatt Daniel Keith ~ 8/8/10-8/21/10 ~ 13 Beautiful Days
paula
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while.~Sam Baldwin as played by Tom Hanks in Sleepless in Seattle(1993)
enough said!!
paula
enough said!!
paula
Monday, December 27, 2010
i would like to sincerely thank all the people out there who find a way to help us remember our babies...
http://keepingtheirmemoryalive.blogspot.com/
http://littleonesforeverremembered.blogspot.com/
http://www.hopecollage.org/p/hope-collage-requests_25.html
http://tripletbutterflywings.blogspot.com/
http://angelbabynames.blogspot.com/
http://www.calypsosocean.com/angel-page-3.html
http://angelwingsmemorialboutique.blogspot.com/
http://fridgefriends.blogspot.com/
http://carleighmckenna.blogspot.com/p/angel-friends.html
http://micahsgift.blogspot.com/
http://namesintheclouds.blogspot.com/
http://www.babylosscomfort.com/remembering-baby/
http://www.storknet.com/cubbies/pil/garden.htm
http://www.sweetpeaproject.org/sweet-pea-babies
http://keepingtheirmemoryalive.blogspot.com/
http://littleonesforeverremembered.blogspot.com/
http://www.hopecollage.org/p/hope-collage-requests_25.html
http://tripletbutterflywings.blogspot.com/
http://angelbabynames.blogspot.com/
http://www.calypsosocean.com/angel-page-3.html
http://angelwingsmemorialboutique.blogspot.com/
http://fridgefriends.blogspot.com/
http://carleighmckenna.blogspot.com/p/angel-friends.html
http://micahsgift.blogspot.com/
http://namesintheclouds.blogspot.com/
http://www.babylosscomfort.com/remembering-baby/
http://www.storknet.com/cubbies/pil/garden.htm
http://www.sweetpeaproject.org/sweet-pea-babies
i know that what happened with wyatt was not something bad purposely done to me. Death is a part of life, and it is both a sure and random thing. Surely you die, but when is the big question mark.
can't remember where i found this particular quote. of course i added the name for my own benefit and had to have stolen it from somewhere because i could never be that profound. but i think if i look at it long enough, if i say it long enough, if i carry it around in my heart long enough, maybe, just maybe, i will start to believe it.
but until that faithful day when i start to believe, what do i do until then??? because right know, all i want to know, is what did i do to deserve this? how horrible a person am i, that i deserved this? how horrible a person was i at 18 years old to lose my first little girl, sweet little mary lynn, at 20weeks. and how much worse am i know that my baby fought for 13 days, beat all the odds to then lose his fight to something so random as nec. something that only affects 1% to 5% of nicu admissions*(kidshealth.org) this disease that affects so few also occurs within the first 2 weeks of life*(same source) wyatt was on his 13th day. and you decrease your odds of getting it if your baby is fed breastmilk and wyatt was.
why me? what are the chances? but i guess i just answered that question (see above). but not just why me...why wyatt??? how do i not feel that this was something done to me? how do go about my day to day and not wonder if i had just done something differently maybe he would still be with me today??
i think i must have been a horrible, horrible person in a past life. and maybe if i apologize to all the people in my life enough, somehow it will make everything better. but i know that it doesn't and it never will. so what do i do now, what is left to do?
paula
can't remember where i found this particular quote. of course i added the name for my own benefit and had to have stolen it from somewhere because i could never be that profound. but i think if i look at it long enough, if i say it long enough, if i carry it around in my heart long enough, maybe, just maybe, i will start to believe it.
but until that faithful day when i start to believe, what do i do until then??? because right know, all i want to know, is what did i do to deserve this? how horrible a person am i, that i deserved this? how horrible a person was i at 18 years old to lose my first little girl, sweet little mary lynn, at 20weeks. and how much worse am i know that my baby fought for 13 days, beat all the odds to then lose his fight to something so random as nec. something that only affects 1% to 5% of nicu admissions*(kidshealth.org) this disease that affects so few also occurs within the first 2 weeks of life*(same source) wyatt was on his 13th day. and you decrease your odds of getting it if your baby is fed breastmilk and wyatt was.
why me? what are the chances? but i guess i just answered that question (see above). but not just why me...why wyatt??? how do i not feel that this was something done to me? how do go about my day to day and not wonder if i had just done something differently maybe he would still be with me today??
i think i must have been a horrible, horrible person in a past life. and maybe if i apologize to all the people in my life enough, somehow it will make everything better. but i know that it doesn't and it never will. so what do i do now, what is left to do?
paula
Thursday, December 23, 2010
i gotta have faith
or so george michael says...
i am amazed out here in blogger land, the faith some people have. even after their loss their faith still seems so strong. i wish mine was, i wish it had been, i wish that it will be someday.
the faith of these other bloggers is what helps keep me going. it makes me want to do better, be better. it is like a lifeline in dark and scary waters. i am reaching out by reading their blogs and holding onto their words to get me (hopefully) to the other side.
i do not know if these bloggers, these messengers of hope and faith, know what an impact they have on others, on me. but they do offer so very much and i will continue to read their words and search them out and hold on to the hope and faith that they offer.
sending my thanks out into the blogosphere hoping it finds its way to these wonderful people.
paula
i am amazed out here in blogger land, the faith some people have. even after their loss their faith still seems so strong. i wish mine was, i wish it had been, i wish that it will be someday.
the faith of these other bloggers is what helps keep me going. it makes me want to do better, be better. it is like a lifeline in dark and scary waters. i am reaching out by reading their blogs and holding onto their words to get me (hopefully) to the other side.
i do not know if these bloggers, these messengers of hope and faith, know what an impact they have on others, on me. but they do offer so very much and i will continue to read their words and search them out and hold on to the hope and faith that they offer.
sending my thanks out into the blogosphere hoping it finds its way to these wonderful people.
paula
"Lullaby For Wyatt" ~Sheryl Crow
The world could fall apart
But you're my heart, my dear
I will sing this song
'Til we are gone, my dear
How do I keep you from losing your way
Hope you'll go out and you'll come back some day
But love is letting go
And this I'll know
Cause you were mine
For a time
I could shape your mind
But why waste time, my dear
There's so much more to know
And I can show you dear
How do I keep you from losing your way
Hope you'll go out and you'll come back some day
But love is letting go
And this I'll know
Cause you were mine
For a time
I have held you close
And breathed your name, my dear
I was with you then
And will remain, my dear
How do I keep you from losing your way
Hope you will find love like I did some day
But love is letting go
And this I'll know
Cause you were mine
For a time
~Sheryl Crow
he was all mine for a time
The world could fall apart
But you're my heart, my dear
I will sing this song
'Til we are gone, my dear
How do I keep you from losing your way
Hope you'll go out and you'll come back some day
But love is letting go
And this I'll know
Cause you were mine
For a time
I could shape your mind
But why waste time, my dear
There's so much more to know
And I can show you dear
How do I keep you from losing your way
Hope you'll go out and you'll come back some day
But love is letting go
And this I'll know
Cause you were mine
For a time
I have held you close
And breathed your name, my dear
I was with you then
And will remain, my dear
How do I keep you from losing your way
Hope you will find love like I did some day
But love is letting go
And this I'll know
Cause you were mine
For a time
~Sheryl Crow
he was all mine for a time
what's in a name
Wyatt Daniel
wyatt means ~ Brave/strong/hardy
"war strength"
"Little Warrior"
One who is as strong as a warrior.
daniel ~ God is my judge
i think this "little warrior with god is my judge" sums up my sweet boy. he was such a "little warrior" through it all and now he sits with his heavenly father. and i believe god's judgement would be "good job my son", as it is mine.
i love you sweet boy.
mommy
wyatt means ~ Brave/strong/hardy
"war strength"
"Little Warrior"
One who is as strong as a warrior.
daniel ~ God is my judge
i think this "little warrior with god is my judge" sums up my sweet boy. he was such a "little warrior" through it all and now he sits with his heavenly father. and i believe god's judgement would be "good job my son", as it is mine.
i love you sweet boy.
mommy
it's often the smallest things that make us smile the most~
found this sweet little picture the other day and it certainly made me smile.
it is the day before he left us and it was such a good day. he had opened one of his eyes and was trying so hard to open the other.
i love you so much little boy and can't wait till i am with you again.
mommy
it is the day before he left us and it was such a good day. he had opened one of his eyes and was trying so hard to open the other.
i love you so much little boy and can't wait till i am with you again.
mommy
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
4 months
today marks the 4th month since you were taken from us...
oh my sweet baby how we miss you.
as i was packing up your things yesterday i never gave any thought to what today would be.
4 months..122 days without you.
what do i do? how do i move forward. i miss you so much, it breaks my heart a little more each day. how do i walk this walk? how do i go on?
on a sillier note...i hope your time with the angels has been "heavenly" :) haha
mommy loves you forever and always
oh my sweet baby how we miss you.
as i was packing up your things yesterday i never gave any thought to what today would be.
4 months..122 days without you.
what do i do? how do i move forward. i miss you so much, it breaks my heart a little more each day. how do i walk this walk? how do i go on?
on a sillier note...i hope your time with the angels has been "heavenly" :) haha
mommy loves you forever and always
big brother
this blog is mainly about my journey after losing wyatt. but there are many babies that brought him to me or me to him...i am not sure which but i do like to remember all my babies and here is one of my precious babies.
Ethan Daniel Keith~January 24,2005~ born at 17wks gestation.
he would have been the big brother to our little wyatt. and this will mark our 4th christmas without him. we miss you sweet baby boy. and we love you so.
“If you run away, I will run after you. For you are my little bunny.”
- Mother Bunny
i will always run after you my sweet little bunny.
mommy
he would have been the big brother to our little wyatt. and this will mark our 4th christmas without him. we miss you sweet baby boy. and we love you so.
“If you run away, I will run after you. For you are my little bunny.”
- Mother Bunny
i will always run after you my sweet little bunny.
mommy
nicu friend
bittersweet.....i have found the blog of a baby that was in the nicu at the same time as wyatt. his mom is such a sweet lady. but that fact does not make the whole why is her baby alive and mine isn't hurt any less.
i check her blog daily to see how her baby is doing and how big he has gotten and imagine.
oh the dreams i dream for me and mine.
there are roads she is traveling that i don't know in a lifetime if i would be able to manage but at the same time if i were to have my baby here with me what i wouldn't do.
i guess it is that proverbial double edged sword. i can be thankful (to make myself feel a little better about my situation) that wyatt will not have to undergo surgery after surgery and be in the pain that accompanies that. but i don't know, would i make that trade to have him here with me? i would like to think not. but we all know the selfish truth is i would do anything to have my baby here with me.
i don't know, this journey just seems to get harder and harder and more and more complex with each passing day.
how do i go on? how do i keep moving forward with out my beautiful baby boy? he didn't deserve this. i didn't deserve this. no one deserves this. this is hell.
paula
i check her blog daily to see how her baby is doing and how big he has gotten and imagine.
oh the dreams i dream for me and mine.
there are roads she is traveling that i don't know in a lifetime if i would be able to manage but at the same time if i were to have my baby here with me what i wouldn't do.
i guess it is that proverbial double edged sword. i can be thankful (to make myself feel a little better about my situation) that wyatt will not have to undergo surgery after surgery and be in the pain that accompanies that. but i don't know, would i make that trade to have him here with me? i would like to think not. but we all know the selfish truth is i would do anything to have my baby here with me.
i don't know, this journey just seems to get harder and harder and more and more complex with each passing day.
how do i go on? how do i keep moving forward with out my beautiful baby boy? he didn't deserve this. i didn't deserve this. no one deserves this. this is hell.
paula
Monday, December 20, 2010
believe
just found a great new blog..http://www.team-ewan.com/...and wish i could be so articulate in my pain.(most of the time i am at a loss for words) everything she is posting right now just resonates within me so much. my favorite though, has to be "down & dirty". i am having such a hard time with faith right now.
i want to believe, i HAVE to believe. i have to have something to hold onto. but sometimes i do feel forsaken. i do feel like god may be having a good laugh at my expense. (remember this is not my first or second or third or fourth rodeo). i do feel that god may like kicking me when i am down and may not EVER want me to get back up.
but what i do believe is this (and it is pretty simple) i do know that he is there. in what capacity at this point i am unsure. but i know that he is there and my babies are with him and i will see them and hold them again someday. this is what i HAVE to believe because without that i would have nothing and i NEED something!!
paula
i want to believe, i HAVE to believe. i have to have something to hold onto. but sometimes i do feel forsaken. i do feel like god may be having a good laugh at my expense. (remember this is not my first or second or third or fourth rodeo). i do feel that god may like kicking me when i am down and may not EVER want me to get back up.
but what i do believe is this (and it is pretty simple) i do know that he is there. in what capacity at this point i am unsure. but i know that he is there and my babies are with him and i will see them and hold them again someday. this is what i HAVE to believe because without that i would have nothing and i NEED something!!
paula
Sunday, December 19, 2010
"An event has happened, upon which it is difficult to speak, and impossible to remain silent."-Edmund Burke
"The mention of my child’s name may bring tears to my eyes,but it never fails to bring music to my ears.If you really are my friend,let me hear the beautiful music of my child’s name.It soothes my broken heart, and sings to my soul."-Author Unknown
"We could never learn to be brave and patient if there were only joy in the world."-Helen Keller
"Who better to softly bind up the wound of one, than he who has suffered the same wound himself?" Thomas Jefferson
"...Bereavement is a universal and integral part of our experience of love." C.S. Lewis
"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness but of power...they are messengers of unspeakable love." Washington Irving
"Motherhood is a state of both the mind and the heart, a sacred place that is yours no matter the distance between you and your child. Not even Death can take it away." Joanne Cacciatore
"The mention of my child’s name may bring tears to my eyes,but it never fails to bring music to my ears.If you really are my friend,let me hear the beautiful music of my child’s name.It soothes my broken heart, and sings to my soul."-Author Unknown
"We could never learn to be brave and patient if there were only joy in the world."-Helen Keller
"Who better to softly bind up the wound of one, than he who has suffered the same wound himself?" Thomas Jefferson
"...Bereavement is a universal and integral part of our experience of love." C.S. Lewis
"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness but of power...they are messengers of unspeakable love." Washington Irving
"Motherhood is a state of both the mind and the heart, a sacred place that is yours no matter the distance between you and your child. Not even Death can take it away." Joanne Cacciatore
life after loss is exhausting...
had to go to our first christmas gathering today....and i say that like it was a big deal. it wasn't. but it still sent me heading for the hills after only 2hrs. completely and totally spent. how is that possible?
the gathering today was an uneventful and enjoyable time. though i still left feeling empty and hollow. but maybe that is just how i feel all the time.
all this is not to say, that there was no pressure involved. i can always make myself feel pressured. whether it be real or imagined. i mean getting dressed alone is a major life event for me.(self conscious on top of everything else makes for a real mess of a human being.) i still have jello belly (even more so than usual) from being 6mths pregnant and i can't stand for anyone to be able to see a single roll.(i would rather wear a tent then have that happen) and i don't know about the other moms out there but its been 4mths. and i still can't manage to apply eyeliner or really fix my hair(or feel good about myself for that matter) so i wear a hat with everything. which i know my husband doesn't like, so that in turn makes me feel bad about myself (its a viscous cycle) but i don't know, it just takes more energy than i have to fix myself up.
and fyi with that i still haven't even left the house yet!!
all this to say being sad is depressing and life after loss is exhausting!
paula
the gathering today was an uneventful and enjoyable time. though i still left feeling empty and hollow. but maybe that is just how i feel all the time.
all this is not to say, that there was no pressure involved. i can always make myself feel pressured. whether it be real or imagined. i mean getting dressed alone is a major life event for me.(self conscious on top of everything else makes for a real mess of a human being.) i still have jello belly (even more so than usual) from being 6mths pregnant and i can't stand for anyone to be able to see a single roll.(i would rather wear a tent then have that happen) and i don't know about the other moms out there but its been 4mths. and i still can't manage to apply eyeliner or really fix my hair(or feel good about myself for that matter) so i wear a hat with everything. which i know my husband doesn't like, so that in turn makes me feel bad about myself (its a viscous cycle) but i don't know, it just takes more energy than i have to fix myself up.
and fyi with that i still haven't even left the house yet!!
all this to say being sad is depressing and life after loss is exhausting!
paula
Friday, December 17, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
dear wyatt
sweet, sweet boy i miss you so much and i want you here. to hug and to nurse and to clean dirty diapers. i had asked for one of your dirty diapers to keep at the hospital like half way through your stay and everyone thought that was sooo weird. what i wouldn't give to have gotten to keep that stupid dirty diaper. to at least have that piece of a memory of you. oh wow i miss you so much. it hurts!!!
and i can't seem to find my holiday spirit. i guess it would be considered lost like i lost you. what a stupid phrase that is ... i didn't lose you, i know just where you are. i guess my holiday spirit is there too. i am sooo sorry. i feel like i have let everyone down especially you. if my body would have just done what it was suppose to do. if i had taken the bed rest a little more seriously. if i had found better doctors, asked more questions. what would it have taken to make this right??
you should be here with me right now...i shouldn't even care about typing on a stupid blog. i should be caring for you....busy with you. instead i have farmville. i hate this but i love you and i would not give back even 1 day that i spent with you. i wish i had spent more time, i wish i had known our time was so short. i wish a million things. i wish for you back with me where you belong.
i will love you until the end of time,
mommy
and i can't seem to find my holiday spirit. i guess it would be considered lost like i lost you. what a stupid phrase that is ... i didn't lose you, i know just where you are. i guess my holiday spirit is there too. i am sooo sorry. i feel like i have let everyone down especially you. if my body would have just done what it was suppose to do. if i had taken the bed rest a little more seriously. if i had found better doctors, asked more questions. what would it have taken to make this right??
you should be here with me right now...i shouldn't even care about typing on a stupid blog. i should be caring for you....busy with you. instead i have farmville. i hate this but i love you and i would not give back even 1 day that i spent with you. i wish i had spent more time, i wish i had known our time was so short. i wish a million things. i wish for you back with me where you belong.
i will love you until the end of time,
mommy
i am tired...
i am tired...of being me, of playing this game, of putting up this "facade", of worrying about everybody else and whose feelings i am going to hurt and who i am going to let down.....i am tired.
i am tired of expectations and dreams unfulfilled and having to be everything to everyone.
i am tired of being tired!! i am tired of pain...emotional and physical, imagined and real.
i am just tired.
maybe i should go to bed..
paula
i am tired of expectations and dreams unfulfilled and having to be everything to everyone.
i am tired of being tired!! i am tired of pain...emotional and physical, imagined and real.
i am just tired.
maybe i should go to bed..
paula
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
May the sun
bring you new energy by day;
may the moon
softly restore you by night;
may the rain
wash away your worries;
may the breeze
blow new strength into your being;
may you walk
gently through the world and
know its beauty all the days of your life
~ Apache blessing
it is all i have for today but i believe it is a blessing for us all...goodnight
paula
bring you new energy by day;
may the moon
softly restore you by night;
may the rain
wash away your worries;
may the breeze
blow new strength into your being;
may you walk
gently through the world and
know its beauty all the days of your life
~ Apache blessing
it is all i have for today but i believe it is a blessing for us all...goodnight
paula
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
rainbow baby
good lord i wish i had never had to learn what that phrase meant...i mean seriously i have managed to lose 4 other beautiful, forever loved babies, without hearing those 2 little words. and now for the love of everything that is holy it (those 2 little words) are freaking everywhere. yuck!
what i wouldn't do for one of my own. so please don't get me wrong, if you are pregnant with or have already had your taste of the rainbow, congratulations..i just want one too. and i want the terminology not to sound soo freaking ridiculous.. it feels like i am waiting for a bag of skittles. and not a baby, that at this point feels hopelessly out of reach.
i don't know sometimes i just want to rant.......
paula
what i wouldn't do for one of my own. so please don't get me wrong, if you are pregnant with or have already had your taste of the rainbow, congratulations..i just want one too. and i want the terminology not to sound soo freaking ridiculous.. it feels like i am waiting for a bag of skittles. and not a baby, that at this point feels hopelessly out of reach.
i don't know sometimes i just want to rant.......
paula
maternity photos
ohh how i love all the blogs out there. they have helped me through this tough time. they have led me to realize that i am not alone. and i have needed that more than anything. but ohhhh sometimes how they can sting.
maternity photos...i had always thought they were so tacky. but once we became pregnant with wyatt after 5 years of saying we were never going to do this again, and dealing with all the sadness that came with that decision. i was so elated to be pregnant that i was going to do it all...maternity pictures and everything! i had already gone online to find poses and things that i liked and my sweet daughter k had already come up with some ideas of her own for the photos. and all those dreams were taken away from us.
sometimes, i do not believe it is just the overwhelming sadness of losing my sweet baby boy that tries to do me in. but also the sadness of the dreams that were lost too. and i had sooo many dreams ...for me, for my pregnancy with him, for him. had he been able to stay it wouldn't have mattered because i would of had him but now it feels like i have nothing. no maternity pictures, no dreams, no wyatt.
my how i miss my baby boy....
paula
maternity photos...i had always thought they were so tacky. but once we became pregnant with wyatt after 5 years of saying we were never going to do this again, and dealing with all the sadness that came with that decision. i was so elated to be pregnant that i was going to do it all...maternity pictures and everything! i had already gone online to find poses and things that i liked and my sweet daughter k had already come up with some ideas of her own for the photos. and all those dreams were taken away from us.
sometimes, i do not believe it is just the overwhelming sadness of losing my sweet baby boy that tries to do me in. but also the sadness of the dreams that were lost too. and i had sooo many dreams ...for me, for my pregnancy with him, for him. had he been able to stay it wouldn't have mattered because i would of had him but now it feels like i have nothing. no maternity pictures, no dreams, no wyatt.
my how i miss my baby boy....
paula
Monday, December 13, 2010
laughs...
i found a pic. on my hubby's cell that i hadn't "really seen before" and it kinda made me laugh which is good because it is of wyatt and it is about time that i got some more joy (because i got loads of it when he was here) out of his short little life.
was that the longest run on sentence ever or what???
so here it is...
i think he looks like a little mole here ... but my daughter thinks he looks like the mandrakes pulled from the pots in one of the first harry potter movies...and i think i have to agree
paula
dreams
what do you do with the dreams you have. what file do they go under...how in the heck can i delete them. tired (literally and figuratively, they wipe me out) of the drugs that help me not dream because, and this is the best way i can describe it, they make my head feel like a snow globe that has been shaken. but i have to say my life feels kind of like that anyway without the drugs. i just keep wondering where all the pieces are going to fall.
but i digress. p.s. i have adhd, so staying on topic is pretty darn hard. but it does keep me from typing cuss words. so whatever. see i did it again...
dreamed of a perfectly healthy baby being brought to me to nurse last night...now the funny thing about my dreams is that my sweet wyatt can't seem to get any bigger then he was when he was in the hospital. but in my dream my son who is 10, brings him to me too nurse carrying him in one hand and i am so nervous because i am afraid he is going to be suffocated by my HUGE boobs. but i get to hold him and nurse him a bit before i wake up, i did not want to wake up from this one. but it is the first good dream i have had so i will take it. wow i miss him and i miss the dreams i had for us. and i hate it that all i have of him now is dreams.
but at least they are not nightmares, 'cause they really suck!!
paula
but i digress. p.s. i have adhd, so staying on topic is pretty darn hard. but it does keep me from typing cuss words. so whatever. see i did it again...
dreamed of a perfectly healthy baby being brought to me to nurse last night...now the funny thing about my dreams is that my sweet wyatt can't seem to get any bigger then he was when he was in the hospital. but in my dream my son who is 10, brings him to me too nurse carrying him in one hand and i am so nervous because i am afraid he is going to be suffocated by my HUGE boobs. but i get to hold him and nurse him a bit before i wake up, i did not want to wake up from this one. but it is the first good dream i have had so i will take it. wow i miss him and i miss the dreams i had for us. and i hate it that all i have of him now is dreams.
but at least they are not nightmares, 'cause they really suck!!
paula
snow day
sometimes i feel like such a bad mother, it makes me feel like maybe i didn't deserve my other babies. i know it is a stupid way of thinking, but that is where i am at right now. it is a snow day and we are going to have another one tomorrow and while everyone else is super excited about it. all i can do is sit here and dread it. i just got c-man enrolled back into school and my days alone are where i do all my feeling sorry for myself so i can be a halfway decent mom when they get home. and it works.... i have focused on myself long enough during the day that when they get home i am ready to focus on anyone but me. and now because of stupid snow(i know i sound like a whiny baby) i don't get that time and i am back to not being able to concentrate on anyone and disappointing everyone and feeling guilty about it all.
YEAH snow :(
paula
YEAH snow :(
Sunday, December 12, 2010
support
what is support? who gives support? why does everyone keep asking me if i have support?
i have a supportive bra. but i don't think that is what they mean. i have a good pair of supportive tennis shoes, but i don't think that is what they mean either.
mom if you are reading this and you are feeling overly sensitive, it may be time to turn back now. i feel a rant coming on...
this is the question people keep asking me... do you have support?? kind of a loaded question if you ask me. because if i ever answered honestly, what would they do?
let's take a look at my support system for just a minute why don't we. first their is the man-child i like to call my husband. he is the only person i know, who i can call and tell(at least he pretends to listen) i am having a lousy day. one where i have cried off and on all day and when he gets home from work bitches at me because the heat is turned up too high and then has the nerve to ask me "what's wrong with you" when i start to cry. yeah he is great support (that was sarcasm, i didn't know if it read that way through the computer) with support like him, i am surprised i haven't gone ahead and done myself in.
next, my two wonderful children and they are just that...they are wonderful and they are children. so we will just keep moving on. there is my mother, i call her to talk and she immediately starts talking about how hard her life is (mind you she has never lost a child) and when she is done says and i quote "well, i will talk at you later" because that is exactly what she does she "talks at you". and my father god love him, we are just not that close.
as for friends and extended family. i have already managed to alienate a few of those. so for all those people out there who keep asking this question...no i do not have a support system, now what are you going to do about it???????
paula
i have a supportive bra. but i don't think that is what they mean. i have a good pair of supportive tennis shoes, but i don't think that is what they mean either.
mom if you are reading this and you are feeling overly sensitive, it may be time to turn back now. i feel a rant coming on...
this is the question people keep asking me... do you have support?? kind of a loaded question if you ask me. because if i ever answered honestly, what would they do?
let's take a look at my support system for just a minute why don't we. first their is the man-child i like to call my husband. he is the only person i know, who i can call and tell(at least he pretends to listen) i am having a lousy day. one where i have cried off and on all day and when he gets home from work bitches at me because the heat is turned up too high and then has the nerve to ask me "what's wrong with you" when i start to cry. yeah he is great support (that was sarcasm, i didn't know if it read that way through the computer) with support like him, i am surprised i haven't gone ahead and done myself in.
next, my two wonderful children and they are just that...they are wonderful and they are children. so we will just keep moving on. there is my mother, i call her to talk and she immediately starts talking about how hard her life is (mind you she has never lost a child) and when she is done says and i quote "well, i will talk at you later" because that is exactly what she does she "talks at you". and my father god love him, we are just not that close.
as for friends and extended family. i have already managed to alienate a few of those. so for all those people out there who keep asking this question...no i do not have a support system, now what are you going to do about it???????
paula
The sweetest joy, the wildest woe is love.~ Pearl Bailey, Entertainer, 1918~1990
mommy
Saturday, December 11, 2010
i don't know how to move on. i seem stuck. i can't go back to work, i can't seem to find happiness. i laugh, i smile(well sometimes), i joke. but i just can't seem to pull myself out of this fog. i miss you soooo much and since losing you i miss your brothers and sisters so much more. it is like the sadness of it all just ways me down. it makes me hurt all over. i just can't seem to move on.
but i will, i have too, if nothing else to honor you and your brothers and sisters. and to be there for you brother and sister here on earth. i do not know what the future holds, but i do know it will be a future where i help other people like me in honor of you.
i miss you baby boy, i wish you were here with me in my arms instead of in my heart, i love you.
mommy
but i will, i have too, if nothing else to honor you and your brothers and sisters. and to be there for you brother and sister here on earth. i do not know what the future holds, but i do know it will be a future where i help other people like me in honor of you.
i miss you baby boy, i wish you were here with me in my arms instead of in my heart, i love you.
mommy
some great poems and quotes
"Your life was a blessing,
Your memory a treasure...
You are loved beyond words
and missed beyond measure..."
Your memory a treasure...
You are loved beyond words
and missed beyond measure..."
" The mention of my child's name
may bring tears to my eyes,
but it never fails
to bring music to my ears.
If you are really my friend,
let me hear the beautiful music
of his name.
It soothes my broken heart
and sings to my soul. "
Author Unknown
If Tears Could Build A Stairway
If tears could build a stairway
And memories were a lane
We would walk right up to Heaven
And bring you back again
No farewell words were spoken
No time to say goodbye
You were gone before we knew it
And only God knows why
Our hearts still ache in sadness
And secret tears still flow
What it meant to lose you
No on will ever know
But know we know you want us
To mourn for you no more
To remember all the happy times
Life still has much in store
Since you’ll never be forgotten
We pledge to you today
A hallowed place within our hearts
Is where you’ll always stay
Author Unknown
Somewhere over the rainbow
Just beyound the moon
There is a place so wonderful
For Angels gone too soon...
Hello old friend
Oh yes you know
I lost my child a while ago.
No, no please Don’t look away
And change the subject It’s ok.
You see at first I couldn’t feel,
It took so long, but now it’s real.
I hurt so much inside you see
I need to talk, Come sit with me ?You see, I was numb for so very long,
And people said, “My, she is so strong.”
They did not know I couldn’t feel,
My broken heart made all unreal.
But then one day, as I awoke
I clutched my chest, began to choke,
Such a scream, such a wail,
Broke from me..My child! My child!
The horror of reality.
But everyone has moved on,
“But I thought you were over it,”
Their eyes seem to say--
No, no, I can’t listen to this, not today.
So I smile and pretend, and say,
And so my old friend,
Oh yes you know
I lost my child a while ago.
No, no please Don’t look away
And change the subject It’s ok.
You see at first I couldn’t feel,
It took so long, but now it’s real.
I hurt so much inside you see
I need to talk, Come sit with me ?
And people said, “My, she is so strong.”
They did not know I couldn’t feel,
My broken heart made all unreal.
But then one day, as I awoke
I clutched my chest, began to choke,
Such a scream, such a wail,
Broke from me..My child! My child!
The horror of reality.
But everyone has moved on,
you see,everyone except for me.
Now, when I need friends most of all,Between us there now stands a wall.
My pain is more than they can bear,
When I mention my child,
I see their blank stare.
Now, when I need friends most of all,Between us there now stands a wall.
My pain is more than they can bear,
When I mention my child,
I see their blank stare.
“But I thought you were over it,”
Their eyes seem to say--
No, no, I can’t listen to this, not today.
So I smile and pretend, and say,
“Oh, I’m ok”.But inside I am crying,
as I turn away.
And so my old friend,
I shall paint on a smile,
As I have from the start,
You never knowing all the while,
All I’ve just said to you in my heart.
As I have from the start,
You never knowing all the while,
All I’ve just said to you in my heart.
by Kelly Cummings
Friday, December 10, 2010
Don’t let them say, I wasn’t born
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave
I’ve loved you from the start.
Although my body you can’t hold,
It doesn’t mean I’m gone.
This world was worthy, not, of me
God chose that I move on.
I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face.
You have my word, I’ll fill your arms
Someday we will embrace.
You’ll hear that it was “meant to be,
God doesn’t make mistakes”
But that won’t soften your worst blow..
Or make your heart not ache.
I’m watching over all you do,
another child you’ll bear.
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.
There will come a time, I promise you
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you’ll understand.
Although, I’ve never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes..
That doesn’t mean I never “was”
An Angel Never Dies.
~Unknown
In memory of Mary Lynn, Kendall, Chandler, and Ethan Daniel.
My sweet, sweet angels. i love you!
mommy
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave
I’ve loved you from the start.
Although my body you can’t hold,
It doesn’t mean I’m gone.
This world was worthy, not, of me
God chose that I move on.
I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face.
You have my word, I’ll fill your arms
Someday we will embrace.
You’ll hear that it was “meant to be,
God doesn’t make mistakes”
But that won’t soften your worst blow..
Or make your heart not ache.
I’m watching over all you do,
another child you’ll bear.
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.
There will come a time, I promise you
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you’ll understand.
Although, I’ve never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes..
That doesn’t mean I never “was”
An Angel Never Dies.
~Unknown
In memory of Mary Lynn, Kendall, Chandler, and Ethan Daniel.
My sweet, sweet angels. i love you!
mommy
The Miscarriage- Linda Wasmer Andrews
There has been a death in the family.
There has been a death in the family.
No eulogy, no coffin,
No funeral, no black.
And yet, there has been a death in the family.
No undertaker, no hearse,
No cemetery, no grave.
And yet, there has most assuredly been a death in the family.
No belly, no fullness,
No lifeline, no baby.
There has been a death in the family.
found this and it sooo speaks to me about my 4 losses. with wyatt he lived for 13 days so there was a funeral and a death was mourned. with my 4 other losses, 2 (mary and ethan) "could" have been buried but we didn't "have" to . so being young and stupid and overwhelmed we chose not to bury them (oh, how i regret that now) and i guess because of that we chose to move on like nothing really happened. with our other 2 dreams (kendall and chandler) we didn't have the option to bury them, so i got to cry for a day and move on again.
all this to say these were all family members. they were all family members.they were my babies. AND THERE HAS BEEN A DEATH IN OUR FAMILY!!!
There has been a death in the family.
No eulogy, no coffin,
No funeral, no black.
And yet, there has been a death in the family.
No undertaker, no hearse,
No cemetery, no grave.
And yet, there has most assuredly been a death in the family.
No belly, no fullness,
No lifeline, no baby.
There has been a death in the family.
found this and it sooo speaks to me about my 4 losses. with wyatt he lived for 13 days so there was a funeral and a death was mourned. with my 4 other losses, 2 (mary and ethan) "could" have been buried but we didn't "have" to . so being young and stupid and overwhelmed we chose not to bury them (oh, how i regret that now) and i guess because of that we chose to move on like nothing really happened. with our other 2 dreams (kendall and chandler) we didn't have the option to bury them, so i got to cry for a day and move on again.
all this to say these were all family members. they were all family members.they were my babies. AND THERE HAS BEEN A DEATH IN OUR FAMILY!!!
Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him and He will do it.
i don't know where to start with this....
i found this bible verse last night and feel like it is trying to tell me something, i just don't know what??
i am pretty sure the desires of my heart have always been to have a large family and stay at home and raise my children. but i have heard it said that with god you have to be specific. so maybe i have been to vague...
maybe what i should have said was i want a big family here on earth because i have a big family we are just in different places. 2 beautiful children here on earth and 5 sweet little angels in heaven. so maybe i wasn't specific enough, dear lord i wanted us all together here on earth alive and well.
and so here goes with a very specific desire of my heart....dear lord i still want more babies and i want them to be healthy and live long fruitful lives. if you want me to be more specific, i want 2 boys(jeremy robert keith jr~j.j.~and charles paul keith~charlie) and i want 2 more girls(lillian katherin keith~lilly and daisy belle keith) and dear lord i want my dream...i want them to be born healthy and i want them to walk on this earth with us as a family for a long, long time and i want them to bury me someday and not the other way around.
lord, i want to be a great mother who gets to nurse her babies and love and hug them. and i want to not have just their memory to hold onto. lord i am grateful for the children you have so freely given to me. but lord these next ones that i am asking for i would like to be able to keep.
amen
i found this bible verse last night and feel like it is trying to tell me something, i just don't know what??
i am pretty sure the desires of my heart have always been to have a large family and stay at home and raise my children. but i have heard it said that with god you have to be specific. so maybe i have been to vague...
maybe what i should have said was i want a big family here on earth because i have a big family we are just in different places. 2 beautiful children here on earth and 5 sweet little angels in heaven. so maybe i wasn't specific enough, dear lord i wanted us all together here on earth alive and well.
and so here goes with a very specific desire of my heart....dear lord i still want more babies and i want them to be healthy and live long fruitful lives. if you want me to be more specific, i want 2 boys(jeremy robert keith jr~j.j.~and charles paul keith~charlie) and i want 2 more girls(lillian katherin keith~lilly and daisy belle keith) and dear lord i want my dream...i want them to be born healthy and i want them to walk on this earth with us as a family for a long, long time and i want them to bury me someday and not the other way around.
lord, i want to be a great mother who gets to nurse her babies and love and hug them. and i want to not have just their memory to hold onto. lord i am grateful for the children you have so freely given to me. but lord these next ones that i am asking for i would like to be able to keep.
amen
Thursday, December 9, 2010
my sweet baby wyatt...
you fought so hard... you probably fought harder in your thirteen days here on earth then some people do in a lifetime. how am i just suppose to move on. how do i keep going forward day to day when so many take your fight for life for granted. if nothing i think you should be remembered more. you are a hero, my sweet little boy. you fought hard to stay here with us all. and now your victory is in heaven. i can't wait to see you again some day. i am so proud of you.
i love you
mommy
you fought so hard... you probably fought harder in your thirteen days here on earth then some people do in a lifetime. how am i just suppose to move on. how do i keep going forward day to day when so many take your fight for life for granted. if nothing i think you should be remembered more. you are a hero, my sweet little boy. you fought hard to stay here with us all. and now your victory is in heaven. i can't wait to see you again some day. i am so proud of you.
i love you
mommy
"A Mother’s Love cannot be measured by increments of time …an entire lifetime of love can be squeezed into a few brief miraculous moments when necessary…."
this is how i feel about all my babies. whether it was just a couple months in my belly or a couple weeks here on earth. all my life i have and will love you. my love will always remain.
i do not understand why people feel my mourning my loss for my babies, is any less relevant then some one mourning the loss of a mother or father or even an older child. why because i have two healthy children am i not allowed to mourn my five that have gone ahead. if even one of their 1,3, or 5 year old's were to pass that would be too much to bear. but because my baby was only 13 days old, 17wks gestation, 10 weeks gestation, 8wks 1 day gestation, or 20 weeks gestation, i should get over it and move on. at what point in time does a baby become worthy of being remembered and who exactly makes this decision(b/c i would like to give him a swift kick in the keester).
my babies DESERVE to be remembered and i think, i shall make it my mission that they are never forgotten!
mommy loves and misses you all no matter how long you were here...
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Whosoever survives the test must tell his story. That is his duty. Elie Wiesel
this is my story.
how do stories begin anyway...once upon a time. nope that's not it , this is no fairy tale. no happy ending here. i guess it is more appropriate to start... buckle up this is going to be a bumpy(no pun intended) ride.
my story begins in 1994 while i am still in high school. it was a couple months before my 18th birthday when i found out i was expecting with my now husbands baby. i was most certainly scared and uncertain about what my future held. but once i found out i was pregnant i was never uncertain about the fact that my future included my baby.(little did i know) i had always wanted to be a mom and a teacher. but isn't a teacher a lot like a mom. so i had always wanted to be a mom. and i was willing and ready to prepare myself to be just that. anyway to make a long story a little bit shorter found out we were having a girl at about 17wks, i then lost my precious baby girl about 3 wks later in dec. of 1994, to what my dr. believed was an incompetent cervix.
i was young and stupid and made soooo many mistakes. i wish i could go back and do things differently, but the past is just that so you have to move on.
so moving on....
i became pregnant again in november of 1995. (still not married{try not to judge}but still by the same man who would one day become my husband) got married to my high school sweetheart and had my cerclage placed in feb. 1996. and gave birth to a beautiful baby girl 8/8/96. not without complications mind you. but she is here and healthy now, and a vibrant 14 year old girl.
skip ahead two years and i become pregnant again in october of 1998. thinking we have this whole thing figured out and that i would be fine , what else could go wrong, Right? nope, so wrong! we lose our second baby to a blighted ovum in dec. of that same year.
still too young and too dumb to know what has hit me or how to grieve. so i take a day and move on.(not what i would recommend)
fast forward one year and low and behold i am pregnant again.( you see getting pregnant is not my problem. sneeze in my direction and i get pregnant. staying pregnant would be my biggest obstacle.) this time with a baby boy. i make sure not to get excited...i won't even go to the dr. until they can tell me for sure that i am going to stay pregnant(wouldn't recommend this either). at about 14 weeks i have my cerclage placed and in may of 2000 give birth to a beautiful baby boy. again not with out its set backs but that is a story for another day. and 10 years later he is still his mommy's bouncing baby boy.
it is now 4 years later and the summer of 2004 when i become pregnant for the 5th time. and lose my third child. this is an early loss like the one in '98, also to a blighted ovum. i have my d&c, cry that day and again move on.(i cannot stress enough how unhealthy this is)
three months later i am pregnant again. but in my mind i have decided there is a pattern to my losses and i think i am in the clear. i did not know how wrong i was. i have my cerclage put in at around 13-14wks. believe everything is going to be fine but my membranes rupture on 1/24, the cerclage is taken out and i deliver my perfect baby boy ethan daniel on 1/25. i get to see him and hold him and count his perfect fingers and his perfect toes and then i say goodbye.
at this point in our lives my husband and i decide to actively try not to get pregnant. up until this point we had never been trying one way or the other. so we go on hiatus if you will. we decide that having just our two children is perfectly acceptable and maybe we will just never , ever, ever, try again. because it is just to hard to lose 4 babies. and then comes that itch at about the 4 year mark. mind you i don't get the itch, i have finally come to terms with having no more babies and i LOVE babies. no hubby starts to get the itch ( i think his biological clock is ticking) and he starts talking about trying again.
so i finally decide ok we can do this...nothing bad is going to happen this time...i should learn to never let this thought enter my head again! found a new dr. thought everything was going well...she decides a cerclage is not needed because of thrombophilia but will monitor my cervix "just in case". in june has to do an emergency cerclage because my cervix goes from 4 to 1.7.(think she might of been wrong about me not having an incompetent cervix) i am now put on bed rest by my regular ob though my other dr. tells me it is not really needed, but what does she know she was the one who told me i didn't need the cerclage. so modified bed rest it is, along with 17mg progesterone shots once a week, 4mg. of folic acid daily for mthfr and 1 baby aspirin a day for some other clotting issue, though for the life of me know i can't remember what. probably because my brain is mush.. any way, all this to say i went into labor on 8/8/10 and delivered wyatt at 2:47 pm at 24 wks. 1 day.
wyatt was a fighter from the very beginning. which is funny because after he was gone i looked up what his name meant and it is brave & strong. just like my baby boy. but anyway they got him breathing right away and took him to the nicu. he was off the vent on his third day while his eyes were still fused (this is rare, or so they said).he didn't have to have a blood transfusion right away (again they say this is rare) he had his transfusion around day 5 and around this time had to go back on the vent(my personal opinion they took him off the vent way to soon, he just wasn't ready and it was too taxing on his system, but that is just my opinion, i am just his mom what do i know anyway? ) but all the while i was pumping and he was gradually increasing his breast milk intake daily. he was pooping and peeing like a champ. keeping the nurses very busy. on his 12th day in the nicu my sweet little boy opened one eye and gave us a wink. we thought this was an awesome sign (i have since stopped believing in signs) who were we to know that this was going to be his way of saying good bye... his gift to us. i was called in on sat. and told my baby had nec, as we were driving to the hospital i knew the outlook was grim but i prayed, oh how i prayed that god would not take my baby not after 13 days not after he was born on my living daughter's birthday not after all we had been through. (i have since also had a really hard time believing in prayer, i am still a christian, i thank god everyday for my salvation because at least i have the comfort of knowing i will see my babies again someday {or at least this is what i have to believe in to keep going, it is what gets me through}) when we got to the hospital we were told to wait in the conference room, instead of getting to go back and see wyatt, at this time i realized the truth. they came in and told us that the antibiotics they were giving him weren't working and the cold hard truth was that our baby was going to die. how long we would prolong the inevitable was up to us...i am not one for prolonging the inevitable so we made the choice to end the fight and hold our baby for the very first time as he passed away. he was 13 days old.
i do not know what the future holds for us. i do not know if we will ever try again or if my body will even let me. i am not always sure if we will ever make it to the other side of this. but i have to choose to believe we will. i would love to one day have my dream, to have a baby no matter what sacrifices it takes on my part and to be able to hold and nurse it on the day of its birth. this is something i have never gotten to do with any of my other children. this would be my miracle and these days i could really use a miracle. but one of my favorite quotes so far is this...
"We should not let our fears hold us back from pursuing our hopes."~ John F. Kennedy
followed by a little bit of this...
"Once you chose hope, anything is possible."~Christopher Reeve
so i finally decide ok we can do this...nothing bad is going to happen this time...i should learn to never let this thought enter my head again! found a new dr. thought everything was going well...she decides a cerclage is not needed because of thrombophilia but will monitor my cervix "just in case". in june has to do an emergency cerclage because my cervix goes from 4 to 1.7.(think she might of been wrong about me not having an incompetent cervix) i am now put on bed rest by my regular ob though my other dr. tells me it is not really needed, but what does she know she was the one who told me i didn't need the cerclage. so modified bed rest it is, along with 17mg progesterone shots once a week, 4mg. of folic acid daily for mthfr and 1 baby aspirin a day for some other clotting issue, though for the life of me know i can't remember what. probably because my brain is mush.. any way, all this to say i went into labor on 8/8/10 and delivered wyatt at 2:47 pm at 24 wks. 1 day.
wyatt was a fighter from the very beginning. which is funny because after he was gone i looked up what his name meant and it is brave & strong. just like my baby boy. but anyway they got him breathing right away and took him to the nicu. he was off the vent on his third day while his eyes were still fused (this is rare, or so they said).he didn't have to have a blood transfusion right away (again they say this is rare) he had his transfusion around day 5 and around this time had to go back on the vent(my personal opinion they took him off the vent way to soon, he just wasn't ready and it was too taxing on his system, but that is just my opinion, i am just his mom what do i know anyway? ) but all the while i was pumping and he was gradually increasing his breast milk intake daily. he was pooping and peeing like a champ. keeping the nurses very busy. on his 12th day in the nicu my sweet little boy opened one eye and gave us a wink. we thought this was an awesome sign (i have since stopped believing in signs) who were we to know that this was going to be his way of saying good bye... his gift to us. i was called in on sat. and told my baby had nec, as we were driving to the hospital i knew the outlook was grim but i prayed, oh how i prayed that god would not take my baby not after 13 days not after he was born on my living daughter's birthday not after all we had been through. (i have since also had a really hard time believing in prayer, i am still a christian, i thank god everyday for my salvation because at least i have the comfort of knowing i will see my babies again someday {or at least this is what i have to believe in to keep going, it is what gets me through}) when we got to the hospital we were told to wait in the conference room, instead of getting to go back and see wyatt, at this time i realized the truth. they came in and told us that the antibiotics they were giving him weren't working and the cold hard truth was that our baby was going to die. how long we would prolong the inevitable was up to us...i am not one for prolonging the inevitable so we made the choice to end the fight and hold our baby for the very first time as he passed away. he was 13 days old.
i do not know what the future holds for us. i do not know if we will ever try again or if my body will even let me. i am not always sure if we will ever make it to the other side of this. but i have to choose to believe we will. i would love to one day have my dream, to have a baby no matter what sacrifices it takes on my part and to be able to hold and nurse it on the day of its birth. this is something i have never gotten to do with any of my other children. this would be my miracle and these days i could really use a miracle. but one of my favorite quotes so far is this...
"We should not let our fears hold us back from pursuing our hopes."~ John F. Kennedy
followed by a little bit of this...
"Once you chose hope, anything is possible."~Christopher Reeve
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