big brother is all signed up for school. i think he is pretty excited but i think i am more anxious than he is. i hate that i will never get to sign you up for school, buy you a back pack, and school supplies. though i will make sure you and your angel baby buddies have your names on bulletin boards like you would have at school.(check this out at aclassofangels.blogsopt.com) i just miss you so much and at the same time feel bad for not seeming to miss your other brothers and sisters as much.though i do but the pain from losing you is still so real and fresh.
i feel so guilty for so many things...i know for sure that you, ethan, and mary were all perfect, health babies and had it not been for me you all would be here today. what am i suppose to do with that knowledge? i know i did not intentionally set out to harm you in any way, but i did bring harm to you all the same. i just don't know how to wrap my head around that.
and what about another baby???? if i try to have one is that even fair to him or her? i wouldn't intentionally put my other children in harms way and is that not in some way what i would be doing to our baby if i was to get pregnant again?
i just feel so guilty for everything that has happened. how am i ever going to assuage this guilt?
i want more babies, how am i suppose to come to terms with that?
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