bittersweet.....i have found the blog of a baby that was in the nicu at the same time as wyatt. his mom is such a sweet lady. but that fact does not make the whole why is her baby alive and mine isn't hurt any less.
i check her blog daily to see how her baby is doing and how big he has gotten and imagine.
oh the dreams i dream for me and mine.
there are roads she is traveling that i don't know in a lifetime if i would be able to manage but at the same time if i were to have my baby here with me what i wouldn't do.
i guess it is that proverbial double edged sword. i can be thankful (to make myself feel a little better about my situation) that wyatt will not have to undergo surgery after surgery and be in the pain that accompanies that. but i don't know, would i make that trade to have him here with me? i would like to think not. but we all know the selfish truth is i would do anything to have my baby here with me.
i don't know, this journey just seems to get harder and harder and more and more complex with each passing day.
how do i go on? how do i keep moving forward with out my beautiful baby boy? he didn't deserve this. i didn't deserve this. no one deserves this. this is hell.
paula
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