i know that what happened with wyatt was not something bad purposely done to me. Death is a part of life, and it is both a sure and random thing. Surely you die, but when is the big question mark.

can't remember where i found this particular quote. of course i added the name for my own benefit and had to have stolen it from somewhere because i could never be that profound. but i think if i look at it long enough, if i say it long enough, if i carry it around in my heart long enough, maybe, just maybe, i will start to believe it.

but until that faithful day when i start to believe, what do i do until then??? because right know, all i want to know, is what did i do to deserve this? how horrible a person am i, that i deserved this? how horrible a person was i at 18 years old to lose my first little girl, sweet little mary lynn, at 20weeks. and how much worse am i know that my baby fought for 13 days, beat all the odds to then lose his fight to something so random as nec. something that only affects 1% to 5% of nicu admissions*(kidshealth.org) this disease that affects so few also occurs within the first 2 weeks of life*(same source) wyatt was on his 13th day. and you decrease your odds of getting it if your baby is fed breastmilk and wyatt was.

why me? what are the chances? but i guess i just answered that question (see above). but not just why me...why wyatt??? how do i not feel that this was something done to me? how do go about my day to day and not wonder if i had just done something differently maybe he would still be with me today??

i think i must have been a horrible, horrible person in a past life. and maybe if i apologize to all the people in my life enough, somehow it will make everything better. but i know that it doesn't and it never will. so what do i do now, what is left to do?

paula