Check This Out!!

Fran at Small Bird Studios is having a giveaway. Go enter for your chance to win a beautiful memory box. I have. I want an oval one in green and brown for Wyatt.. :)

Fran is also hosting the 12 days of christmas with you in heaven. She does so much for this community of women. What an inspiration.

So go over and check it out.

paula

Once in a Life Time

“Once in a young lifetime one should be allowed to have as much sweetness as one can possibly want and hold.” ― Judith Olney


                                                                     my sweetness

face time

my face feels sad. it feels heavy. it feels like it wants to cry. it is the only way i can explain it. i, myself, am not particularly happy or sad but it seems my face feels as though it is.

it is the strangest sensation.

it is right up there with feeling so hollow inside and yet feeling like i am about to burst at the same time.

i don't know how to explain it any better then that.

but isn't that odd?

my face feels sad. :(

i carry your heart with me

by e e cummings

 

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
                                  i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

just a few more odds and ends

"You might want to lie down... "I find that it helps when the crushing sense of horrible realization sets in."
— Cassandra Clare (City of Ashes)

i do believe that this may be the very reason i sleep all the time.

my sister-in-law had her healthy baby boy the other day. so i had to lay down after that realization set in. i found it helpful. though it did not stop the tears.

bankrupt

Disappointment is a sort of bankruptcy - the bankruptcy of a soul that expends too much in hope and expectation.
Eric Hoffer

this & that for today.

i am feeling a bit like simon today. don't know who to scream it to or what i did to deserve this or to feel this way, but I'M SORRY! (p.s. one of the best movies ever!)

this little guy made me giggle. i need him in the worst possible way. i do, however, believe his cloud should be in grey or black. he can be found hanging out with the cupcake girls. this is his name,Why does it always rain on me? and what the cupcake girls have to say about him "This little fella just can't catch a break". i feel the same way. i think this is why he should be mine.

"When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone.” ― Fred Rogers

this little nugget of wisdom was found here at UnspokenGrief on facebook and is why i ♥ mr. rogers.

Tomorrow is World prematurity day. We remember and honor all those beautiful babies born too soon into this world.

5 of my babies were born premature. i am lucky that kayla and cameron were able to make it out of the nicu and are here with us today. i am blessed that i got to spend 13 days with wyatt while he was with us in the nicu. and though mary and ethan were born far to soon at 20 & 17 weeks and never made it to the nicu, they were held and loved and are forever missed.


paula

healing

"The healing begins when we can start to feel more gratitude that our child came into our life than despair and outrage that our child died. The gratitude is what heals the despair." ~ Ram Dass

i am not sure if there will ever be true healing for me. i am so grateful i got to have wyatt for his 13 days. i am also grateful that all my babies were a part of my life. this does not in any way lessen the outrage and despair of their deaths.

maybe i am just not there yet.

my mom or dad, i can't remember which, spoke to a lady at there church today who lost a child 29 years ago. she asked about me and how i was doing and they said ok, i just don't like being around people. and her response to them was so perfect...it went something like this...of course not, other people are happy.

maybe that's it.

don't get me wrong i am happy that i have the 2 i have. they are my bright shining lights. they keep me fighting and living this life.

but there is always the sadness and despair for what i don't have. i think i have used this quote before but i believe it says it best.....

“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.”
― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

paula

getting out

since losing wyatt i have become a bit of a recluse, a shut-in, a hermit, redundant. haha

so today i went out with a hiking group (though it was really just walking on a green way) and met some really nice people, took in some beautiful scenery, and thought about my boy (like i always do). but it was nice, right up until mother nature whacked me (i think mother nature may be mad at me for something, i am not sure what, but at this point i feel i should apologize) with a nut. mother nature threw a nut at me and hit me with it. a big ole walnut and it hurt. but it kind of made sense the beauty and the pain, that is what this messed up "new normal" is all about for me.

afterwards, the group and i went out to eat. i had not had time to stop and get any money and one of the ladies there, who i had never met, offered to pay for my lunch if i wanted to stay. the kindness of others never ceases to amaze me and warm heart. so when i found this on from to write love on her arms quote it just seemed so right.

"How beautiful a day can be when kindness touches it!" – George Elliston

here are some pictures i took today. taking pictures of nature is for me, like taking pictures of my boy, nature is what reminds me of him.

paula

did you know?

did you know while wyatt was in the nicu my husband and i did get to hear him cry. just once. but we did. he sounded like a little kitten. one of the sweetest sounds i will ever hear. somethings i don't want to ever forget.

miss you buddy.

love, your mommy

"Why didn't I learn to treat everything like it was the last time. My greatest regret was how much I believed in the future."
— Jonathan Safran Foer (Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close)

"Grief fills the room up of my absent child, lies in his bed, walks up and down with me, puts on his pretty looks, repeats his words." William Shakespeare

"The pain passes, but the beauty remains." Pierre Auguste Renoir

"Sorrow which finds no vent in tears may soon make other organs weep." Sir Henry Maudsley

"Saying nothing... sometimes says the most." Emily Dickinson

"No pessimist ever discovered the secrets of the stars, or sailed to an uncharted land, or opened a new heaven to the human spirit." Helen Keller

"Motherhood is a state of both the mind and the heart, a sacred place that is yours no matter the distance between you and your child. Not even Death can take it away." Joanne Cacciatore


just some quotes. because i have no words.

Are You Ok?
by Susan M Simpson


They ask if I'm ok,

Which answer would they like?

There's the one that they'll find easier,

Then there's the one that's right.



I could tell them that I'm coping,

That I'm moving on with life.

They'll smile sadly, nod, agree with me,

Not see my inner strife.



But inside my soul is screaming,

It heard that awful lie.

The truth they just don't want to hear,

This pain I have to hide.



My heart, it feels, is broken,

My spirit, that's gone too.

I sense there's no fight left in me,

That went when I lost you.



And this I cannot tell them

There's no words to explain,

And even if there were,

It would only cause them pain.



I can't pretend, I'm not that strong,

It only makes me cry,

Can't say the words to lie to them,

Don't even want to try.



I'm not 'ok' - will never be

Your life changed me, it's true

This sadness that I carry,

Is a mother's love for you.



So when they ask, I'll look at them,

Through eyes that burn with tears.

I won't deny my love for you,

With lies that quell their fears.



There are no words for me to say,

Instead I will just shrug.

And hope that it will be enough,

They'll leave with just a hug.



I know that if they try too hard,

Their words will just hurt more,

Though kindly-meant, they're meaningless

I fight this lonely war.



They'll say 'you'll have another one'

'Just try again', 'you're young'.

'Accept it wasn't meant to be',

'Get over it', 'move on'.



How could they ever understand

This sorrow that I hide,

Sadly, the only way

Is if they ever lost their child.



Other children I may bear,

And happiness might find,

That never will erase the love

For the child I left behind.



So please don't ask if I'm 'ok'

Don't try to comfort me,

The kindest thing to offer

Is a simple 'I'm sorry'.