"The healing begins when we can start to feel more gratitude that our child came into our life than despair and outrage that our child died. The gratitude is what heals the despair." ~ Ram Dass
i am not sure if there will ever be true healing for me. i am so grateful i got to have wyatt for his 13 days. i am also grateful that all my babies were a part of my life. this does not in any way lessen the outrage and despair of their deaths.
maybe i am just not there yet.
my mom or dad, i can't remember which, spoke to a lady at there church today who lost a child 29 years ago. she asked about me and how i was doing and they said ok, i just don't like being around people. and her response to them was so perfect...it went something like this...of course not, other people are happy.
maybe that's it.
don't get me wrong i am happy that i have the 2 i have. they are my bright shining lights. they keep me fighting and living this life.
but there is always the sadness and despair for what i don't have. i think i have used this quote before but i believe it says it best.....
“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.”
― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower
paula
Paula I wish I had words of encouragement but I don’t. I can only agree with everything you wrote. I don’t like being around people either. For the second holiday season since losing Payton all I want to do is hide under the covers of my bed. I don’t want to see my family and I especially don’t want to see my husband’s family. I can’t stand the meaningless small chit chat. I’ve said some many times since we lost Payton I don’t know what I would of done if I didn’t already have another child. My older daughter, Tatum was the reason I got up and out of bed every day, even if only for an hour before and after she went to daycare. And I doubt I’ll ever feel gratitude that Payton came into our lives; rather I think I’ll always feel cheated and saddened. So maybe you’re not the only one who never finds true healing.
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