old.

i am 35. i am not that old. i feel like i must be a thousand body, mind, and spirit. i think i have seen too much. experienced too much. lost too much. hurt too much. sometimes all these feelings come together like a wave from the ocean crashing in on me. it makes it hard to breathe.

i went to the dr. and am now on medicine that no longer leaves me thinking about my death and dying. that's nice. i did not like having those types of thoughts. the medicine also keeps my emotions a little farther from the surface which is also nice. crying at work... NOT COOL! we are still trying to figure out my anxiety/panic attacks. i know longer have the emotional upheaval that use to be associated with them but i still have all, and i mean all, the physical symptoms. the dr. is also doing blood work to see if the muscle and joint ache i have been suffering from is something other than fibromyalgia because there is no test for fibro. she is trying to rule everything else out. ultimately, all i want is to feel better. that last sentence is a lie. there are so many other things i want.

i have thought about this alot. ever since that first day home from the hospital. all i want is to go back there. go back to the hospital. go back to "my" room, "my" bed. back to where i felt taken care of and safe and loved. back to when i "thought", dumb me, everything was going to be ok. i knew it was going to be hard, but i truely thought it was going to be ok. how i miss blissful ignorance. and if i can't go back there, i want to go way, way back. i want to go home again. to a time when i could crawl into bed with my parents and i knew everything was going to be alright. don't get me wrong, i was never naive, i knew bad things could happen and that on its best day life could be hard. i just never knew it could be this hard or hurt this bad. but what's the old saying you can't go home again. because all the lessons learned can't be unlearned and if i turned back time i wouldn't have  the wonderful things i do/did have. but oh, i would give almost anything not to have to feel this pain.

paula