so my ten year old asked how old wyatt would be today if I had kept him inside ME longer and i told him almost 8 months.
then he asked if i thought wyatt would have gotten sick and died if I had kept him inside MY belly longer and i told him probably not.
he then told me if i was to ever have another baby and keep him in my belly long enough so that he lived, when he grew up he wanted to get "Big Bro" tattooed on his knuckles (which btw i don't get because none of us have tattoos but whatever) and i couldn't find the words to express to him that he is a big brother and he will always be, whether i have another baby or not.
he misses his brother.... he asks me questions about him everyday.
and i am going to be a little self-involved here...
but the worst thing, the VERY worst thing, is he kept saying what i have been feeling....
if I had managed to keep wyatt in MY belly none of this would have happened.
all of THIS is all my fault and he knows it/blames me too.
and then we read our bedtime story and did you know.......
Wyatt passing away is definitely not your fault... I feel the same way too sometimes but I there is nothing that we could have done to prevent the tragedy of losing our children and I'm sure that your son doesn't blame you - he just wants the same as you want, for Wyatt to be here with you all. My heart goes out to you xoxo
ReplyDeleteOh Paula, you are not to blame! I'm sure your son doesn't blame you. He is trying to understand and wants his brother. I wish I had the answer on what to say to your son. Everyday my three-year-old mentions her sister. It is very bittersweet, but I would rather she know her sister and express how she feels. Wish I could run right over and give you a big hug. Know you and your family is in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteGuilt is horrendous, almost as awful as accepting that our children are no longer with us on Earth. We all feel like we could have, should have, would have done something to save our babies...problem is there wasn't anything we could do. Thinking of you, Paula -- you are a wonderful Mommy. Hugs!!!
ReplyDeleteThe lost of my daughter was very hard on my son, who was 11 at the time. We ended up taking him to a counselor who helped him a ton. Best of luck to you.
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