dear baby,
what i wouldn't do to be in that moment again. i would not have taken one single moment for granted. i never would have left your side. i miss you soo much.
i love you to the moon and back,
your mommy
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
if only...
"If only there could be an invention that bottled up a memory, like scent. And it never faded, and it never got stale. And then, when one wanted it, the bottle could be uncorked, and it would be like living the moment all over again.....I'd like to keep this moment and never forget it."- Daphne du Maurier
dear baby,
what i wouldn't do to be in that moment again. i would not have taken one single moment for granted. i never would have left your side. i miss you soo much.
i love you to the moon and back,
your mommy
dear baby,
what i wouldn't do to be in that moment again. i would not have taken one single moment for granted. i never would have left your side. i miss you soo much.
i love you to the moon and back,
your mommy
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
9 mths.
i buried my son 9 mths ago today. monday the 23rd.
it was a nice memorial, a nice day.
(but can it really be a nice day if you are burying your child?)
this is the poem we read before the balloon release
we released 26 balloons for each week he was with us.
this is my prayer for today.......9 mths. later..............
Oh my Heavenly Father, I come in humble prayer. Not to beg for miracles, just faith to not despair. If I fail to see your wisdom, give me faith to never doubt it. Help me bear the cross you send, and not complain about it.~Helen Steiner Rice
paula
dear wyatt,
wow....my love for you grows still.....and i will miss you forever.....you will always be my sunshine.
xoxo,
mommy
it was a nice memorial, a nice day.
(but can it really be a nice day if you are burying your child?)
this is the poem we read before the balloon release
we released 26 balloons for each week he was with us.
this is my prayer for today.......9 mths. later..............
Oh my Heavenly Father, I come in humble prayer. Not to beg for miracles, just faith to not despair. If I fail to see your wisdom, give me faith to never doubt it. Help me bear the cross you send, and not complain about it.~Helen Steiner Rice
paula
dear wyatt,
wow....my love for you grows still.....and i will miss you forever.....you will always be my sunshine.
xoxo,
mommy
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
share
i have been catching up on some of my reading. i occasionally fall off the map and on the weekends i don't get on because i think it bothers my hubs. this passage was found at from under the weeping willow ,which is written by mandy. it seems to really speak to the way i have been feeling and i thought it was nice to find someone who feels the same way too.
I've seemed to hit "that point"
The one that attaches itself to your future the very minute that your child dies. The one when people expect you to be you again. When it is no longer acceptable for you to want to stay home in your own cocoon of solitude which is away from pregnant women, babies, infants and young children (boys in my case). The point where your smiles can no longer be pasted on and your laughs can no longer be forced. The point when you are supposed to apply your mascara in the morning and have lush black lashes all day long. It is when you are supposed to emerge from your chrysalis of comfort re-energized, reinvigorated and ready to not only face life but to live life fully once again with your head held high, smile in place, heels on.
Except I am not there yet. Not even close to be honest. No one asks if I need help any longer, if I need a break, if there's anything they can do. My last and most true supporter has now also abandoned me, perhaps fed up with my grief or maybe with what my grief has done to me. This point probably sucks worse than the immediate aftermath of my child's death. Then I felt protected and surrounded by love. Now I feel alone in the desert, thirsty but too tired to even search for water anymore, desperate for an oasis to find me.
I want, no I need, for it to be okay to not want to be in public because I still dread seeing pregnant women and hearing babies cry, for it to be okay to avoid scheduling play dates for my daughter with her friend's mother because that woman has had five healthy children in eight years (two boys and three girls), for me to take my children to the park less because it is a magnet for pregnant women and young children who are all so much happier than I am, and for me to cry for my sons and sometimes for myself. I am trying to emerge but it's so hard and so much harder when all I feel is the weight of others' expectations.
i think her writing is awesome and i wish i could express my feelings the way she does, but i like it when i do find it (the way i have been feeling) put down in words.
paula
I've seemed to hit "that point"
The one that attaches itself to your future the very minute that your child dies. The one when people expect you to be you again. When it is no longer acceptable for you to want to stay home in your own cocoon of solitude which is away from pregnant women, babies, infants and young children (boys in my case). The point where your smiles can no longer be pasted on and your laughs can no longer be forced. The point when you are supposed to apply your mascara in the morning and have lush black lashes all day long. It is when you are supposed to emerge from your chrysalis of comfort re-energized, reinvigorated and ready to not only face life but to live life fully once again with your head held high, smile in place, heels on.
Except I am not there yet. Not even close to be honest. No one asks if I need help any longer, if I need a break, if there's anything they can do. My last and most true supporter has now also abandoned me, perhaps fed up with my grief or maybe with what my grief has done to me. This point probably sucks worse than the immediate aftermath of my child's death. Then I felt protected and surrounded by love. Now I feel alone in the desert, thirsty but too tired to even search for water anymore, desperate for an oasis to find me.
I want, no I need, for it to be okay to not want to be in public because I still dread seeing pregnant women and hearing babies cry, for it to be okay to avoid scheduling play dates for my daughter with her friend's mother because that woman has had five healthy children in eight years (two boys and three girls), for me to take my children to the park less because it is a magnet for pregnant women and young children who are all so much happier than I am, and for me to cry for my sons and sometimes for myself. I am trying to emerge but it's so hard and so much harder when all I feel is the weight of others' expectations.
i think her writing is awesome and i wish i could express my feelings the way she does, but i like it when i do find it (the way i have been feeling) put down in words.
paula
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
dear ???? and my mother's day weekend
i lost a follower. that is kind of sad. i am not really in to that whole aspect of blogging yet. i don't really do this for anyone else, i mainly do this for me. but it is sad when you see your numbers falling. well, poo. i have been reading "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff " ,and in the grand scheme of things, that is what this is, but i hope i didn't offend anyone and if i did, i am genuinely sorry. but, for now, moving on......
i didn't post on mother's day. i didn't know what or how to say anything that was swirling around in this big ole' noodle of mine. mother's day is what it is and was what it was. i am a mother. i am a mother to seven. i have two here with me. i am a lucky lady. but i am a sad one too. mother's day, sunday, was wyatt's nine month birthday. he was born on 8/8 on a sun. so that was A LOT.
fri. i received a mother's day gift from a super sweet lady, nicole, who had a giveaway on her blog, 60piggies, in honor of mother's day. here is a picture.....
isn't it lovely.....and i won it!!! i love to win!!! (me thinks it is because i rarely ever do. :( i tend to feel like a bit of a Loser.) i won!!! yay, me!!! a little bit about the necklace......enat equals mama in amharic (nicole has been working through the fsi amharic course with her bee) and she topped the heart with a baby pearl for each child ( i got seven, one for each of my babies, those here with me and those forever in my heart.) i got to wear it on mother's day and it is my only piece of jewelery that represents all my babies and it is soooo unique and it made my momma's heart proud.
also, on fri., a couple of the boys in my class made me a mother's day card. it was super sweet. and then in the next class we made mother's day cards for their moms and i got to have a hard? touching? conversation with a couple of the kids in my room who have both recently lost their mother's and what to do with the cards they made, if they decided to make them, and we talked about taking it to their graves and i told them about how i take things like that to wyatt's and it was touching? and hard? but i think they liked? having some one to talk too. who knows, it was defiantly an experience.
on sat. i got to go pick out my mother's day present. i got a new, fancy camera. i don't know how to work it, but i got it. :) then, i took my mom and daughter to see RENT the musical at The Nashville Dinner Theatre. we had a really nice time. i also bought my daughter a new dress at a little boutique (it was on sale) for her for mother's day because, god bless her, she mother's me sooooo well. she has truly helped me get through these last few months. k if you are reading this I LOVE YOU!!!! YOU ARE THE BEST!!!
sun. i debated the whole church thing and church lost. but my mom and i decided to go visit my niece, who has spina bifida, who was in the hospital with pneumonia. we drove 10 hours round trip to visit her in memphis. she loved seeing us and had exhausted herself trying to stay awake for us and fell asleep 30 minutes after we got there. but we made a little girl really happy and i got to visit with my sister and wear my new necklace. so all in all it wasn't a horrible day. and when i got home my daughter had made me a lemon cake and my hubs had bought me cherry garcia ice cream and cherry 7up. so i totally scored and mother's day wasn't so bad after all.
i still miss my boy. i still miss all my babies. but i always will and that will never change. so mother's day and all the day's that follow, i will mother the memories of them.
paula
dear wyatt, i miss you sweet boy. i am so sorry you are not here for me to love and cuddle. i am sorry i let your day slip by and didn't celebrate you. but i never stop thinking about you and i am soo honored that you made me a mother for the 7th time. i love all your brother's and sister's sooo much and am glad that we got YOU as an addition to our family. you will always be my little monkey. words will never accurately describe the love i have for you. make a family sandwich for me. hugs and kisses all around.
with all my love,
mommy
i didn't post on mother's day. i didn't know what or how to say anything that was swirling around in this big ole' noodle of mine. mother's day is what it is and was what it was. i am a mother. i am a mother to seven. i have two here with me. i am a lucky lady. but i am a sad one too. mother's day, sunday, was wyatt's nine month birthday. he was born on 8/8 on a sun. so that was A LOT.
fri. i received a mother's day gift from a super sweet lady, nicole, who had a giveaway on her blog, 60piggies, in honor of mother's day. here is a picture.....
also, on fri., a couple of the boys in my class made me a mother's day card. it was super sweet. and then in the next class we made mother's day cards for their moms and i got to have a hard? touching? conversation with a couple of the kids in my room who have both recently lost their mother's and what to do with the cards they made, if they decided to make them, and we talked about taking it to their graves and i told them about how i take things like that to wyatt's and it was touching? and hard? but i think they liked? having some one to talk too. who knows, it was defiantly an experience.
on sat. i got to go pick out my mother's day present. i got a new, fancy camera. i don't know how to work it, but i got it. :) then, i took my mom and daughter to see RENT the musical at The Nashville Dinner Theatre. we had a really nice time. i also bought my daughter a new dress at a little boutique (it was on sale) for her for mother's day because, god bless her, she mother's me sooooo well. she has truly helped me get through these last few months. k if you are reading this I LOVE YOU!!!! YOU ARE THE BEST!!!
sun. i debated the whole church thing and church lost. but my mom and i decided to go visit my niece, who has spina bifida, who was in the hospital with pneumonia. we drove 10 hours round trip to visit her in memphis. she loved seeing us and had exhausted herself trying to stay awake for us and fell asleep 30 minutes after we got there. but we made a little girl really happy and i got to visit with my sister and wear my new necklace. so all in all it wasn't a horrible day. and when i got home my daughter had made me a lemon cake and my hubs had bought me cherry garcia ice cream and cherry 7up. so i totally scored and mother's day wasn't so bad after all.
i still miss my boy. i still miss all my babies. but i always will and that will never change. so mother's day and all the day's that follow, i will mother the memories of them.
paula
dear wyatt, i miss you sweet boy. i am so sorry you are not here for me to love and cuddle. i am sorry i let your day slip by and didn't celebrate you. but i never stop thinking about you and i am soo honored that you made me a mother for the 7th time. i love all your brother's and sister's sooo much and am glad that we got YOU as an addition to our family. you will always be my little monkey. words will never accurately describe the love i have for you. make a family sandwich for me. hugs and kisses all around.
with all my love,
mommy
Monday, May 9, 2011
Friday, May 6, 2011
i won a giveaway......oh,happy day!!!!
i won a giveaway from My Forever Family to The Midnight Orange in honor of Eli & Jett's 2nd birthday. i am sooooo excited!! i have been eyeing the sculptures at The Midnight Orange for sometime. i have placed my order and was going to show what i was now waiting to arrive but i couldn't find the picture. so instead, i decided to show a picture of another piece i want, that goes beautifully with this quote......
"There's a jagged hole in your heart, there's a jagged hole in your soul. Over time, the waves of goodness going back and forth maybe smooth the jagged edges a little bit, but the hole remains. I don't think you fill it in."
but in a different color, which i was going to show you, but can't seem to get the picture to load. i wanted to share the name of it too, but can't seem to find that now.:( i like the names to go along with pieces. sometimes the name alone can speak to me more than the object/sculpture itself. anyway just wanted to share because i am super excited and can't wait until it arrives.
hugs,
p
"There's a jagged hole in your heart, there's a jagged hole in your soul. Over time, the waves of goodness going back and forth maybe smooth the jagged edges a little bit, but the hole remains. I don't think you fill it in."
anyway, go check out The Midnight Orange for yourself. she makes such wonderful things. and if you have never visited My Forever Family go stop by and give Eli & Jett's mommy some love.
hope you have a blessed friday.......i hope to, i have many plans for tonight.
paula
Found It!!!!
so i went back to The Midnight Orange to look around a bit and found it!!!
this is what i ordered
but in a different color, which i was going to show you, but can't seem to get the picture to load. i wanted to share the name of it too, but can't seem to find that now.:( i like the names to go along with pieces. sometimes the name alone can speak to me more than the object/sculpture itself. anyway just wanted to share because i am super excited and can't wait until it arrives.
hugs,
p
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