Grief = Loving

"Grief has no time line ... I feel like grieving, at a certain point, is equal to loving. I think the words are interchangeable."

i can't remember where i found this quote, but i thought it was so profound, that it had to be shared.

i think my grief is tantamount to my love for wyatt. if there had been any way to love him less, then my grief would be less.that is not the way it is, however. i loved wyatt with my whole heart from the moment i saw the two pink lines. my love for him increased for him with each new thing we did......seeing him on the ultrasound for the first time......seeing him drink the amniotic fluid with his little lips all pursed.....naming him peanut when i took my daughter to an ultrasound for the first time........watching him give the nurses a hard time when they were trying ti figure out the gender....he was just modest. knowing from the first dr.'s appt that i had a boy and then being right. and there is still so many more memories that made him ours. these are the things that opened our hearts and made room for love to grow and grow it did.

so, when all of that love was torn out of us what was left was grief to slide in and take its spot. and it did and it stayed and i think that might be ok. because maybe when we are all cried out and we have given grief leave to go, maybe we will find a new kind of love buried underneath that grief. a white washed love if you will. a love that still loves as much as it ever did, but that is not as sad as it once was. this is what i am hoping for.
a white washed love for wyatt. a love that still holds on to all the memories but has let go of all of the sadness. this i have decided is the love i want to have and hold on to of my son.

paula