i carry your heart with me

by e e cummings

 

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
                                  i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

just a few more odds and ends

"You might want to lie down... "I find that it helps when the crushing sense of horrible realization sets in."
— Cassandra Clare (City of Ashes)

i do believe that this may be the very reason i sleep all the time.

my sister-in-law had her healthy baby boy the other day. so i had to lay down after that realization set in. i found it helpful. though it did not stop the tears.

bankrupt

Disappointment is a sort of bankruptcy - the bankruptcy of a soul that expends too much in hope and expectation.
Eric Hoffer

this & that for today.

i am feeling a bit like simon today. don't know who to scream it to or what i did to deserve this or to feel this way, but I'M SORRY! (p.s. one of the best movies ever!)

this little guy made me giggle. i need him in the worst possible way. i do, however, believe his cloud should be in grey or black. he can be found hanging out with the cupcake girls. this is his name,Why does it always rain on me? and what the cupcake girls have to say about him "This little fella just can't catch a break". i feel the same way. i think this is why he should be mine.

"When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone.” ― Fred Rogers

this little nugget of wisdom was found here at UnspokenGrief on facebook and is why i ♥ mr. rogers.

Tomorrow is World prematurity day. We remember and honor all those beautiful babies born too soon into this world.

5 of my babies were born premature. i am lucky that kayla and cameron were able to make it out of the nicu and are here with us today. i am blessed that i got to spend 13 days with wyatt while he was with us in the nicu. and though mary and ethan were born far to soon at 20 & 17 weeks and never made it to the nicu, they were held and loved and are forever missed.


paula

healing

"The healing begins when we can start to feel more gratitude that our child came into our life than despair and outrage that our child died. The gratitude is what heals the despair." ~ Ram Dass

i am not sure if there will ever be true healing for me. i am so grateful i got to have wyatt for his 13 days. i am also grateful that all my babies were a part of my life. this does not in any way lessen the outrage and despair of their deaths.

maybe i am just not there yet.

my mom or dad, i can't remember which, spoke to a lady at there church today who lost a child 29 years ago. she asked about me and how i was doing and they said ok, i just don't like being around people. and her response to them was so perfect...it went something like this...of course not, other people are happy.

maybe that's it.

don't get me wrong i am happy that i have the 2 i have. they are my bright shining lights. they keep me fighting and living this life.

but there is always the sadness and despair for what i don't have. i think i have used this quote before but i believe it says it best.....

“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.”
― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

paula

getting out

since losing wyatt i have become a bit of a recluse, a shut-in, a hermit, redundant. haha

so today i went out with a hiking group (though it was really just walking on a green way) and met some really nice people, took in some beautiful scenery, and thought about my boy (like i always do). but it was nice, right up until mother nature whacked me (i think mother nature may be mad at me for something, i am not sure what, but at this point i feel i should apologize) with a nut. mother nature threw a nut at me and hit me with it. a big ole walnut and it hurt. but it kind of made sense the beauty and the pain, that is what this messed up "new normal" is all about for me.

afterwards, the group and i went out to eat. i had not had time to stop and get any money and one of the ladies there, who i had never met, offered to pay for my lunch if i wanted to stay. the kindness of others never ceases to amaze me and warm heart. so when i found this on from to write love on her arms quote it just seemed so right.

"How beautiful a day can be when kindness touches it!" – George Elliston

here are some pictures i took today. taking pictures of nature is for me, like taking pictures of my boy, nature is what reminds me of him.

paula

did you know?

did you know while wyatt was in the nicu my husband and i did get to hear him cry. just once. but we did. he sounded like a little kitten. one of the sweetest sounds i will ever hear. somethings i don't want to ever forget.

miss you buddy.

love, your mommy