4 mths.old to day

wow... where has the time gone. i can remember your birth like it was yesterday. the thought of you not being here, re-breaks my heart everytime. how do i go on with out you here? why did it have to be you, no theat's not right why does it have to be any baby. i miss you so much, it makes me feel hollow inside. how do i do this? how do i go on?


went by your grave today. iwanted to, but c-man was the one who suggested it. he is such a good big brother. you are all ready for christmas, no doubt about that. now if i could just get ready for christmas, your brother and sister would certainly appreciate that. i just can't seem to find the christmas spirit here at home. i just don't feel like putting anything up if you can't be here to enjoy it with us. and it doesn't help that i haven't been able to go back to work and don't even really have the money for christmas this year.


i miss you ..... i love you.... i don't know what i am suppoese to do without you.

4 mths. today

"Hope is important because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear. If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear a hardship today." -- Thich Nhat Hanh

i want more babies. is it wrong to want more babies. i want to hold them in my arms after birth instead of having them whisked away. i want to nurse immediatly, instead of having to worry about nipple confusion. i guess i want the dream. and i guess i will never have it. what do you do with that kind of information?

memorial service

December 7, 2010

a memorial service was held by the funeral home who took care of you today. it was very nice. your grandma, daddy, and i came. we all miss you so much. you were the only baby on the slide show that they buried this year. i hate that. why me, why us, why you. none of it makes any sense. but i got to go somewhere and actively remember you and have other people see your picture and read your name. if it had to be, it was nice. i love you monkey

mommy

 

When someone deeply listens to you
it is like holding out a dented cup
you’ve had since childhood
and watching it fill up with
cold fresh water.
John Fox, Spiritual Literacy

today has just been getting worse and worse. maybe i should just crawl back into bed and never come out. j is being an a. no matter what it is, it just seems like the void between us keeps getting bigger and bigger.

and i have got to say these people out there that are charging for a pic. of your name can just kind of suck it. how hard is it to take a pic. and upload it. i mean really to charge for such a thing. here let me do this for you and oh by the way here you owe me this much if you actually would like a copy of it that you also have to pay for b/c i am only sending this to your computer. people suck. everything sucks.

bad day!