missing my boy

"If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you." — A.A. Milne (Winnie-the-Pooh)

wishing this could have been true.
wishing i never had to have lived without him.

paula


dear sweet boy,
i hate that i have had to live all these days without you. i can't believe it is almost a year since you were born. i miss you more and more each day. i love you more than you know.
family sandwich time,
mommy

more from

because i just can't say/quote enough.......

"the authentic spiritual life finds its basis in the human condition, which all people--whether they are christian or not- have in common." ~Henri Nouwen

"we pray and continue to do our work, counting on God's grace to give each of us enough light to take the next steps of the journey."~Fred Rogers

"goodness is no guarantee of a long, abundant life, and in my limited human comprehension, that seems so unfair."~Tim Madigan (author of the book)

"this life is fragile, and at times, terribly hard"~Tim Madigan

"i come to realize that love and goodness are indestructible, utterly indestructible, cannot be reduced by time or death, or any other barriers we humans attempt to impose on those sacred things."~Tim Madigan

"real friendships work both ways.your trust confirms my trustworthiness, your love, my loving." ~Tim Madigan

"what counts are not the special and unique accomplishments in life that make me different from others, but the basic experiences of sadness and joy, pain and healing, which make me part of humanity."~Henri Nouwen

"mourning and joy can now both deepen and quiet my desire the day when i realize that the many kisses and embraces received today were simply incarnations of the eternal embrace of the Lord himself."~Henri Nouwen

"after the grieving will come the forgiveness (the only thing that evil-Evil-can not stand.)"~Fred Rogers

tim goes on to tell about a time when "he (fred) told me how his own father had wept at the death of fred's grandfather. 'allowing me to see him cry was a great gift to me ,' fred said. 'it gave me permission to shed my own tears."

i don't think sometimes we as parents with living children do that (cry in front of our kids)not thinking that maybe they (our children) need to see us crying to feel validated to cry themselves.

and this next part, well this next part, i just liked.

tim finishes with this, "fred also spoke that night about his beloved grandfather McFeely, 'who used to tell me,"freddy, i love you just the way you are.'"

and isn't that just the most important thing, that whoever we love, whether big or little, young or old, they know that we love them just the way they are!

"few things in life are more pleasurable than doing a good deed anonymously and being discovered accidentally."

"each and every act of kindness done by anyone anywhere resonates out into the world and somehow, mysteriously,and perfectly, touches us all.

so maybe these last few entries aren't exactly blm entries. but that isn't the only thing this blog is about, this blog is also about me and what helps me cope and what gets me through. and i have done some of the recommended reading and they are sweet and touching, but they just don't seem to touch me. this book, well it did. and it made want to go out and get a friend/mentor who will believe in me the way fred believed in tim.

hope you are having a peaceful week.

paula

what i've been reading

ok, so i am not your normal grieving mom when it comes to my reading choices....

i have been reading I'm Proud of You ... Life Lessons from My Friend Fred Rogers

it is a great read. especially if your dealing with depression, heart ache and death. it also makes you want to run out and get a friend/mentor like Fred Rogers. this book spoke to me in so many ways. here are a few of my favorite lines from the book that he (Mr. Rogers) tells/writes to his friend.(because we all know i love a good quote :)

"anything mentionable is manageable"

and how true is that, the more i mention and talk about my wyatt the better i seem to be at managing my emotions. controlling them, absolutely not, but managing is not the same as controlling.

"that which is most personal is most universal"

and i find that to be true every single day. the more i reach out and share with others, the more i realize i am not alone.

"you are beautiful..., inside and out, and those who care about you are privileged to share your pain... as for suffering, i believe that there are fewer people than ever who escape major suffering in this life. in fact i'm fairly convinced that the Kingdom of God is for the broken-hearted. you feel 'powerless'. join the club, we are not in control: God is."

oh, to have some one in my corner to put it so clearly in perspective and to have that kind of faith in me, what a joy that would be.

"your wounded heart is a very beautiful heart. in fact, it has probably allowed you to understand the hearts of all others who are 'wounded' . and whose isn't in some way? some are just a little more obvious than others."

in this book the author (Tim Madigan) also speaks of "the illness (depression) that made it almost impossible to fully love, nearly impossible to be emotionally connected to the people around you, no matter how much you might care for them."

i saw myself in this and am now seeking help. for the longest time i just thought it was grief and bits and pieces of it still are but deeper still is an undercurrent that keeps pulling me down. but because of this book i am hoping for brighter days ahead.

he also speaks of a time in his life when "everything came crashing down- my self-esteem, my energy to live and work, my sense of being loved, my hope for healing, my trust in God...everything."

and i couldn't have said it better myself. on so many days this is exactly how i feel.

well without a doubt, i could go on and on quoting passages from this book. i loved it. i found it when i needed it most. it is so uplifting and yet so real. i can not recommend it enough. it also makes me want to go out and learn more about Mr. Rogers.

can you be jealous of a person you don't even know? because i am. i want a Mr. Rogers in my life too.

~paula~ 

judgement

Sometimes I judge myself, but then I recall that a West Point grad/a five-star general/American President found himself undone by child-loss: "That was and still is the great disaster of my life - that lovely,  lovely  little boy... There's no tragedy in life like the death of a  child. Things never get back to the way they were," explained Dwight D. Eisenhower.


my lovely, lovely boy. my sweet and precious child. i love and miss him so.

Devastation

My first impulse was to find a way to comfort, but sometimes, there is no comfort. Sometimes, I am starting to learn, all that life will allow you is shared devastation.
Anonymous

i am still just devastated.

Happy 4th!?!?

i was on bed rest at this time last year. i remember listening to the fireworks going off and worrying about my baby but hoping everything was going to be ok. it wasn't/isn't. we went to my bil's last night and their house was where i laid this time last year. and the memories just flooded over me. and the knowing that it should be different this year, that i should be holding my baby in my arms instead of in my heart. my husband didn't even flinch. hell i wonder if he thought/remembered it at all. probably not. i wouldn't ask though, because i would hate to open that can of worms.

this year. these milestones. they don't seem to get any easier. they just seem to keep getting harder as i trudge on through. Wyatt's 1st birthday is coming up and i don't know what to do with that. my living daughter's 15th birthday is that same day and how do you incorporate the two. it is all just so hard.

this was the Faces-Of-Loss-Faces-Of-Hope f@cebook status today:
Thinking of all the little girls and boys who should be running around today wearing red, white, and blue. ♥
and i am. thinking that is. i should have 5 more. and i don't. and i wish i did. i miss all my babies today and everyday for that matter. if life had only turned out differently. where would i be today?

took wyatt some pinwheels to his place for the 4th and felt bad because my other babies don't have a place of their own to take them things. that is now on my list of things to do. but here are a couple of photos...

wondering if heaven has fireworks? and if they do if he would be like my other babies and hate them because they were just to loud.

paula

cover your ears little buddy. mommy misses you and loves you so. family sandwich.

Lovelier than you by B.O.B. (lyrics)

love this song!
not the best for a baby boy, but.....

if i could rewind
both the hands of time
still i would never find
a lovelier design
than you

some great lyrics!

paula