just saw this on book face (as my hubs calls it) and thought it was just so right.

From Resilience by Elizabeth Edwards:

"If I had lost a leg, I would tell them, instead of a boy, no one would ever ask me if I was 'over' it. They would ask me how I was doing learning to walk without my leg. I was learning to walk and to breath and to live without Wade. And what I was learning is that it was never going to be the life I had before."

paula

Help!

yesterday marked 8 months since we said goodbye to wyatt.
wednesday i got an email from sarah saying "It is our honor to add Wyatt to the well list.  We build wells in order of when they are added to the list, as we receive the funds."
she also went on to ask,"if there is a Bible verse that is special to you, please send it as well so that we may include it on the well."so this is where i need help.....
i have come across many bible verses that have spoken to me, but i want to make sure to get just the right one for wyatt.
does anyone have any ideas?
what is your favorite verse in memory of your child?

some of my ideas...

The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;
may the name of the LORD be praised.”Job 1:21
(is that too bleak and sad?)

People make plans in their minds, But the Lord decides what they will do..." ~ Proverbs 16:19
( i like this verse but i think it may be more of a verse for me and not really honor wyatt's memory)

Psalm 31:7 “I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul.”
(again i think this one may speak more for me)

Luke 18:16 - But Jesus called for them, saying, "Permit the children to come to Me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.
(am afraid this one is used a lot and i do want something original??? for my sweet boy)

All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.~Psalm 139:16~
(i like this one)

The LORD is just! He is my rock! There is nothing but goodness in Him. Psalm 92:15NLT
(i think this is another good one)


"Lead a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God. Be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other's faults because of your love. Always keep yourselves united with the Holy Spirit and bind yourselves together with peace." Ephesians 4:1-3 NLT
(and i think this is really nice, especially in speaking to others. but i am not sure how it suits my memory of wyatt???)

I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of Him.
1 Samuel 1:27
( i think this may be one of my favorites......i prayed for wyatt, before i ever became pregnant with him.....and the lord granted me what i asked of him.though i do believe next time i may be a little more specific in the for how long department. but i will be forever grateful for my sweet wyatt and the 13 days i got to spend with him)

 

paula

it has been a hard couple of weeks. i feel like i have fallen off the map and may never find my way to climbing back on.

but i have been reading everyone's blogs and i think for awhile i will just be posting on this blog what has been helping me from other's.

here is one of my favorites from the past week. (i want to print it out and mail it to everyone i know. but that would be weird, right???)

I saw this article written by Corinne O'Flynn on Honoring Our Angels who saw it on the Rowan Tree Foundation and loved it. Honoring Our Angels says, "it's raw and full of intense emotion and I'm sure so many of us can relate." (i totally did)

Ramblings of a Grieving Mother

WRITTEN BY CORINNE O'FLYNN

Do you know me?  I used to be so cheerful, the proud owner of an easy smile.  I was optimistic and upbeat; pointing out the silver lining behind each of the dark and looming clouds.  I was walking across the bridge into motherhood, and felt full of dreams for this baby that was growing inside me, our baby, my baby.

Do you remember me?  I used to love going out with my friends, chatting on the phone, hanging out doing nothing, dishing over the gossip columns.  I was the one who laughed the hardest when we saw that show together.  I was the one who would spend hours shopping with you to find that perfect dress for your special event.

I was the one.  I was.

Then my baby died and everything changed in that moment.  When my baby died, that person I used to be died too.  I just vanished into a cocoon of self preservation, learning how to survive the incredible pain.  I didn't ask for this to happen, who could?  I also had no idea I would lose so much of myself to this.  Not unlike a butterfly whose metamorphosis happens while safely tucked away, I emerged completely changed.  Unrecognizable.

When my baby died a part of me was torn away.  My happiness went on hiatus; my optimism took the first train out of town.  My smile disappeared.  My soul became brittle and felt like it would just shatter if anything touched too forcefully.  My skin tingled with a strange numbness as I walked around as this new person in this new life. I was a stranger, even to myself.  Feeling weighted by a heavier outlook, I find myself in the mirror and do a double-take with these new eyes.

My husband and I are trying to reconnect.  It is not divorce or separation that we are resisting; we are actually becoming acquainted to our new selves.  There is so little to say, yet we have been through so much and it feels like everything has changed.  We feel tighter and closer, but so hurt and broken that we can’t find the words. 

My family asks where I went, and wonders when I will be coming back.  My friends don't seem to recognize me in my new self.  It is as though I fell into a magic sleep for a thousand years, and when I woke up everyone was speaking a different language.  I feel like I have morphed into a square peg in a round-hole world; I just can't make myself fit into the same old places where I used to be so at ease.

My job has become difficult for me.  I have lost focus, lost my drive.  My ability to concentrate has been taken over by the part of my mind that commands me to grieve.  Without a baby to care for, I am no longer eligible for maternity leave.  I don’t have the luxury of wealth to stay home indefinitely, and so I am back to work shortly after my baby died with no idea what I am doing.

People are moving on in their lives, and new concerns are demanding their attention.  They look back at me and wonder why I am “still” so sad.  For me it is like time has stopped.  Weeks and months later, it is as though my baby just died.  I watch the clock to mark time that used to be measured by calendar.  It has been exactly 24 hours since you died, exactly one week, two days, and three hours, exactly two weeks and five hours.  I can’t help it.  You died on a Saturday, and every Saturday marks an anniversary for me.  I can’t imagine being ‘years’ away from your death.

I don't especially like this new me.  At this time while my loss is still so new, it is all I can do to face the raw and unending pain.  Nothing seems to make any sense.  My entire awareness is wrapped around my empty belly, my empty arms, and the dreams for the child that will never be.  The future feels dead for me.

I struggle with the people closest to me whose expectations of my coping skills are not being met.  They express remorse that the old me has gone.  They wish for me to snap out of it.  They actually express anger that I am being such a drag.  I can see so clearly that they simply don't understand, even so, it is hard not to be resentful when they don’t seem to care to. 

They misread my reasons for declining those baby shower invitations, they don’t see that my reasons have nothing to do with my love for the mother-to-be and everything to do with my own survival.  Even putting these thoughts into written word feels dramatic, self-centered, and overdone.  But, it is so very real for me right now.  Part of me is embarrassed that I feel this way, and part of me is furious that I have to explain it at all.  The people who would require the explanation should already understand.  I suppose their expectations are not the only ones being left unmet.

Everywhere I go I am surrounded by pregnant women whose confidence about their baby and their future is impenetrable.  Their shopping carts are overloaded with baby things, and they chat happily about the names they are contemplating for their baby.  She is hoping for a girl, that one really wants a boy.  I contemplate screaming into their faces that the gender of their baby is the least of their concerns as I wonder if she will be like me; if hers will be the next baby to die.

My girlfriend told me today that she is pregnant.  I want to be happy for her, but her news makes me feel like my heart has been torn out again.  I swallow the rock in my throat and feel like I have been kicked in the stomach.  I have constant anxiety that the mailbox will bring word of the surprise shower for her.  Every time the phone rings I worry that they will mention our friend’s happy news.  I think about what to say so I can appear normal when the baby conversations start up.  I want to remind them that my baby died, but I also feel like I shouldn’t have to.  I am afraid for my friend with my new perspective on pregnancy, petrified of offending her in her blissful state, but still unable to take part in all of the celebration and the joy.

I know it sounds truly insane; I actually feel like I have gone crazy.  But there it is, and as much as I wish it were different, it is me.


what is so weird about this article is.....
that wyatt also died on a sat.
that my sil just told us she was expecting.
and that my husband was surprised when i told him that i love her (sil) and wish only the best for her but just can't be around her right now.

this new world i live in is sooooo weird, so topsy-turvy.
nobody "gets me" anymore, not even him.

paula

prayers

if you are the praying kind or the good thoughts kind.....whatever. please take some time for this little guy today. his name is bennett and he is having surgery today. he was wyatt's neighbor in the nicu and he has come soooooo far.

paula

welcome to my pity party...

tomorrow is his day.
will any body but me remember.
i have read a couple of different blogs recently related to jealousy over the love some moms are shown.
and i have to agree.
nobody in my world will probably do or say anything to me. it will just be another day to them.
not to me though.
needing to not feel so utterly alone in this right now.
the jewelery i have for wyatt.... my "armor" if you will....was all purchased for me by me.
it is just all so damn depressing.
can't wait for my sleeping pill to kick in so i can at least forget about this for at least 6 hours.

paula :(

nice days

"I believe the nicest and sweetest days are not those on which anything very splendid or wonderful or exciting happens, but just those that bring simple little pleasures, following one another softly, like pearls slipping off a string."
— L.M. Montgomery

nothing splendid or wonderful or exciting happened today, but there were some simple pleasures.

got to work with a wonderful woman, who is fast becoming a friend. she is teaching me how to crochet for a project i am hoping planning to do in memory of wyatt.(more on that later) and every time she sees me she has another little something made for the project and i am beyond grateful.

after work the past 2 days i have walked 4 miles on the green way with my daughter. this is such a wonderful time we spend together. the green way holds so many precious memories for me of my time with wyatt. he and i use to walk the same 4 miles everyday until i was put on bed rest and it was the first place i wanted to go after we found out he had passed away. now i am making more memories there with my daughter, she has just taken up walking as a form of exercise, and it feels like in some way it connects us all.

and to end the day, my daughter and i went to visit wyatt and bring him some new stuff. he got a new bunny and easter egg.

 just those simple little pleasures, made today a pretty wonderful day.

paula

"All morning I struggled with the sensation of stray wisps of one world seeping through the cracks of another. -- Margaret Lea" — Diane Setterfield (The Thirteenth Tale)

i work with an awesome lady, who i also call a friend. but in theory she is also my boss. and i cried in front of her today at work. i hate that. i also hate that i am so tired.....emotionally, physically, and spiritually. i hate that i feel so alone, so isolated, so by myself.

i was on the verge of tears most of the morning and then the rest of the day. i think part of the reason is "All morning I struggled with the sensation of stray wisps of one world seeping through the cracks of another." wyatt is so much a part of me that sometimes it just feels unreal that he is not here. sometimes when i think of him, it pulls me up short, when i realize he's not here. oh, how i wish he were here. the other reason for the tears, i realized later, his day is in 2 days. he will be 8 months. i miss him, but sometimes it is like the dreams i have, where he is here with me but i just can't seem to find a way to get to him. almost like a thin veil separates me and him. maybe that is it, maybe it is only a thin veil that does seperate us and he is closer than i think.

i think i will go to sleep with that thought.

and this one...

i wish he was here.

paula

my precious wonderful boy,
are you with me through out the day? is that why you feel so close? i miss you. i love you. words will never get it just right, the way i feel about you.
xoxo
mommy