Some see a hopeless end, while others see an endless hope. ~Author Unknown

Once you choose hope, anything's possible. ~Christopher Reeve

these are just a few of my favorite quotes, if i ever want to think about getting prefgnant again.
and i sooooooo want to be pregnant again.

paula

wyatt buddy i miss you so much. i hate that another day has gone by without you in my arms. but any way i look at it, it is still one day closer to you. can't wait till the day we are together again.

"If I know what love is, it is because of you." ~ Herman Hesse

i love you......mommy

A Bereaved Parent’s Wish List
By: Emily Hughes-Angel Mom to Jack.
Revised edition
  1.) We wish you could understand, that even though we may have other children, or we may be expecting another one soon, it does not mean our hearts are not aching for the child who is not here. If one parent dies, and one remains, you aren’t expected not to miss the absent parent….
2.) We wish you could understand that we are not out to ruin your day or to inconvenience you at all. Sometimes, seeing everyone elses joy, especially children’s joy, reminds us of what we are missing so much and it simply hurts…
3.) We wish that you would help us to include our child in festivities and laughter. Simple things, like sending us a card, including our child’s name means a million times more than any store-bought gift.
4.) We wish you would not take it personally, when we do not decorate or participate in parties.  It takes a lot of energy, just to endure the commercials, music and other reminders that sometimes -we just need a break.
5.) We wish that you would allow us space to grieve and to experience the natural emotions that come from having a loved one gone , we would do the same for you, if god forbid, you lost a loved one.
6.) We wish you would not take it personally, when we do not comment about your child’s photo . While we are happy for you and your child, we know in our hearts that our babies will never another picture
7.) We wish that you go on to have your happy day, and that it is everything you love and want it to be. And that you can appreciate that for us, it just won’t be happy.
8.) But most of all, we wish that you will never have to endure this kind of pain, longing and heart-ache. We wish that no one ever had to know what this feels like.

One Year

My precious little baby... gone far too soon for this heart to bear... it's been a more than a  year since I carried you safely in my body... a whole year since we said goodbye. But it's been a breath since I have missed you, a breath since I've grieved, a breath since this heart has longed for you and ached for you.

but i guess this year that i am bemoaning is bringing me 1 year closer to you.

i miss you baby....but i am thankful for the good day you gave us before the last.

 8/20/11 was the day my baby boy opened his eye, to give us a wink.

 

 

 8/21/11 was the day we got to hold our son for the first time and that time was made bittersweet because we were also holding him for our last time.

he fought so hard and deserved so much more.  i miss you my little man. and i love you more than you will ever know. ~ mom

my baby boy

he should be one by now. we should have had a big ole' party for him and his sister together. but alas that did not happen and never will.

but he was mine. even if only for thirteen days, he was mine. and i miss him. and i want him back. more than anything in the world.......
 I WANT HIM BACK!!!!

“Sometimes, no matter how much faith we have, we lose people. But you never forget them. And sometimes, it’s those memories that
give us the faith to go on.”
-Anonymous


 i think about him, my little guy.  i think about this quote. the quote has got it all right. if it were not for the hope of seeing my son again someday i would have given up on faith. but that hope, that blind faith that deep inside me says i will see him again keeps me from giving up.

paula


dear baby boy, i am sorry we really didn't celebrate your birthday this year. but i think you know that and i think you understand. just know that had you been here with us we would have done it up right!! i can't wait till the day that we can celebrate together. i love you forever and always and to the moon and back.
~mom
p.s. could you and you brothers and sisters look out for kayla and cameron down here. there is just so much going on right now that i think if they could angels near by it couldn't hurt. and send the best at calming the storms to travel with your daddy. he seems to be in some turbulent waters at this time.
p.p.s. don't forget a family sandwich for me.
i love each and everyone of you.....
        mary, brown star 1&2,ethan, wyatt 
~mom           

me

"She wasn't bitter. She was sad, though. But it was a hopeful kind of sad. The kind of sad that just takes time. "
— Stephen Chbosky (The Perks of Being a Wallflower)

i wish others just new and understood that it takes lots and lots of time.

paula

HEY K!! This ones for you.

so my daughter says if i don't start posting more often she is going to stop reading. so this post is for her.

first and foremost happy belated birthday to you k, from my blog. the big 15, i can't even believe it. it has all gone by way to fast. i love you and the woman you are becoming. (how cheesy is that? but it is true!)

this is me and my k on her birthday.....

isn't she lovely??? i may be biased, but i definitely think she is. and you can't see it in the picture but she is also really smart and sensitive and so good at taking care of me. oh! and responsible, can't forget that. she has been waking me up for school since she was in the 3rd or 4th grade! isn't that amazing! amazing in that a child that young could be that together and amazing in that her mother could be that big a slacker!!! btw she still wakes me up. but as the commercial says "depression hurts" and makes you super sleepy. i would sleep all day if they (and by "they" i mean the world in general and my people. because for reasons unknown to me "my people" seem to like me awake and spending time with them) would let me.anyway, please excuse all the run on sentences it seems to be how my brain rolls these days. maybe it is the untreated adhd? who knows. don't like to mix my meds and fibromyalgia and depression first, adhd second.

second, k is a voracious reader. she likes all types of books and if she comes across one she really enjoys, she will lock herself in her room and finish it in a matter of hours. WILL GRAYSON, WILL GRAYSON by  John Green & David Levithan 2010 is one of those books. she asked me to read it and i thoroughly enjoyed it. and as many of you may know, i LOVE a great quote. so without further ado, in regards to my life and my loss, this is the quote that spoke to me most. (p.s. k i also underlined this in your book, in pen, hope you don't mind.?. ;0).......

'when things break, it's not the actual breaking that prevents them from getting back together again. it's because a little piece gets lost -- the two remaining ends couldn't fit together even if they wanted to. the whole shape has changed.'

i think this speaks to my heart. so many pieces of my heart are broke and missing that it could never be the same heart again, even if i wanted it to.......................................... 'the whole shape has changed.'

k, i hope you enjoyed this post. thank you for recommending this book, i loved it. but never as much as i love you. i want you to know, that if a mother and daughter could co-exist as best friends you would be mine. but i would never wish that to be, because i am so blessed to be your mom! i know your birthday wasn't the happiest on record, but i hope there was a lot of happiness mixed in. ~ love, your mom

one more of me and my girl.... i love her!!

and this was her birthday present last year......

how could we ever top that? she often asks "who takes a birthday present back after only 13 days?" i would like to know the answer to that question myself.....but that is a post for another day.

if there is still anyone out there reading this (because even my daughter is threatening to quit :) good night.

paula