the heart knows

i woke up today sad.
and i couldn't quite put my finger on it.
why was i so sad???
my heart knew.
it just took a minute for my brain to catch up.
17mths. 17 WHOLE MTHS. 17 mths since we said goodbye.

how have i survived? why is the world still turning without him in it?

these are questions i can not answer.

but i am almost certain the heart knows.

paula

my sweet, sweet boy, i can't believe you left 17mths ago. i miss you more than words could ever express. but i think, i think, you know all of this. i can't wait till we meet again.

with all my love, mommy

gonna give it a try!

i was reading through some blogs today and found this awesome post over at Team Ewan, and it really struck a chord. my favorite excerpt from the post is this.......

"....the hope I have in a future resurrection doesn't do away with or mitigate grief to any great degree in my present. "I hold both," .... "I can affirm with deep conviction my belief that God will raise my son to life again. And I can also say that living with the daily reality of his loss is hell, pure and simple. I know our pain is not without purpose, and I know we will see him again. But that doesn't change the fact that the present reality is hell."


"Though I grieve as one who does have hope -- and I thank God every day that I do -- it still hurts like hell. One absolutely does not do away with the other."~ Kirsten Petermann


she just hit the nail right on the head. this is exactly it. this is how i feel.

ohhh...to be as eloquent as others. sadly, i am not. but that's why i read other blogs. i read them b/c they can strike a chord in me or put down in words how i am feeling and i can go, "oh, yes! that is it exactly !!"

ever since wyatt died, i have felt a distance, an animosity between me god. i mean really, i am just mad as hell!! b/c just as Kirsten puts it....."it still hurts like hell" and it probably always will. but, ever since wyatt died, if nothing else, i have believed in god more. if for no other reason than the fact that there HAS to be something more.......i have to know deep in my heart that wyatt and i and all of my babies (mary, ethan, & my brown star babies, kendall & chandler) will be together again. and to know that, to feel that to the very core of my being, than i have to BELIEVE in GOD. i have to have HIM at the very core of my being and i do!

so to get to my title for this post "gonna give it a try!"
i also found this post while reading over at Sufficient Grace Ministries
this is what i am going to try......

Sufficient Grace Ministries is doing a segment called Walking With You Bereavement Support (for families grieving the loss of a baby or child). here is what SFG has to say about it ......."this segment features the telling of our stories, in weekly increments….encouraging one another by reading each story linked and leaving words of love and encouragement, as well as praying for one another."

on their blog post they ask "Will you walk with us?" and i am "gonna give it a try!" and say yes!

what this entails is........

Beginning next week, they will post a new Walking With You each Monday (excerpts from the original WWY).

The topics will be as follows:
Monday, January 9th – The First Steps (We will share the first part of the journey…finding out something was wrong with our baby)
Monday, January 16th – Waiting (We will share about the time we spent waiting to meet our little one.)
Monday, January 23rd – Meeting Our Babies (This post will tell of the precious time we spent with our sweet babies.)
Monday, January 30th – A Precious Goodbye (The funeral or memorial.)
Monday, February 6th – Naming our Babies (We will talk about how we chose the names for our children.)
Monday, February 13th – The Sea of Grief (This post will focus on the days of early grief.)
Monday, February 20th – The Ripples Flow to our Marriage (Grief’s effect on your marriage…relationship.)
Monday, February 27th – Sibling Grief/Next Pregnancy (Grief’s effect on Siblings and/or experiencing pregnancy after loss)
Monday, March 5th – For the Joy Set Before Us (The hope of heaven…and a glorious reunion!)
Monday, March 12th – The Healing that Comes from Praise and Thankfulness
——————————————–

i hope i can do this......
i am certainly "gonna give it a try!"
pray for me! (please!! i am going to need it)
pray that the words flow freely through me and that i honor wyatt and all my babies in the telling/sharing of their story.

i am really nervous about this.
wish me luck!!

paula

"Look after my heart, I've left it with you..."- Stephanie Meyer

tomorrow's the day.

d-day.

death day.

the day my world changed forever.

what was i doing the night before my son died? i was out eating with family and shopping for him. i bought him so many wonderful things that day. things that never got used. so what was the point really? i should have been there with him. i should have been stronger and made my husband let me stay. i should have never left his side. why did i leave him there alone. what was i thinking? what was wrong with me? i do not believe i will ever forgive myself. i do not believe i will ever forgive my husband. i do not know if i will ever be able to move on from here. not with the memory that while he was fighting his hardest battle, i was home asleep. i didn't answer the phone the first few times the hospital called because i had taken a sleep aid and didn't hear it ring. i may never sleep soundly again for this very reason. but what if i had answered the phone the first time it rang? what if i had rushed to the hospital and been there for him when he needed me most? what if i had never left? would he still be here today? i will never know, but i will always wonder. i will always feel the guilt of not knowing if it could have been different, if mommy being there could have made it all better. where was mommy when he needed me most??? oh yeah...... home in bed. yep, that's me, mother of the freaking year!!! :(

he holds my heart. i left it with him the day i said goodbye.

paula



dear sweet baby boy,
i am so sorry i wasn't there for you that last night. i am sorry you had to fight your fight alone. i hope you can forgive me. and i hope you know how much i have always and will always love you. i miss you. i'm sorry.
i love you.
"Look after my heart, I've left it with you..."
mommy

 

"I cursed your very existence; Damning you to hell; Then dropped to my knees and prayed,That you'd take me as well; But today I stand here defiantly; Holding firm to my place;Your worst you have already done; Everything else I can face"~Angira Draggon~ (From Her Poem "My Words To Death")


trying to pull myself together. trying to be a better me. looks like a lot of counseling is in my future. but i have faced the worst and i can face what ever comes next.

Silent Tears
By Emily Hughes

After all the months of sorrow,
After the many hours of pain,
What is left of ourselves is hollow,
What is here,  is never  the same.
When at first we were quite vocal,
And many stood to hear,
Those who would listen have moved on,
And we are left with our silent tears.
We cry when we remember,
We cry when we forget,
We cry  until our tears run out,
And we cry because it’s all we have left.
While the world continues turning,
And the weeks turn into years,
We are mother’s forever mourning,
Shedding silent tears.


i got my update. (b/c i am a crazy person and can't bring myself to unsubscribe to babycenter) it reads......


Your 12-month-old: Week 3
Look who's talking now! Your 1-year-old is working hard on being able to tell you what's going on in his busy brain.


oh how i wish that were true. how i wish my baby was learning to talk. how i wish there was a way wyatt could tell me what was going on. even if he has to be  far away, if he could just get me a message to let me know what was going on in his busy brain. to know that, to be able to feel like i was a part of his life, how awesome that would be.

as it is, i am coming up on the 16-month anniversary of his last day. 16 months of wishing he were here with me.

paula 



my dear sweet wyatt,
oh to hug you and love on you, how great would that be??? i still miss you and love you, more and more each day. i wish there was a way to see you. to be with you. to know you were doing ok. come visit me in my dreams, sweet one, i would love to see you there.
until we are together again
i love you
mommy

Broken

One thing I truly knew - knew it in the pit of my stomach, in the center of my bones, knew it from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet, knew it deep in my empty chest - was how love gave someone the power to break you"
— Stephenie Meyer (Twilight)


still feel so broken most days.
missing my baby like crazy.
ready for christmas to be over.

i look back at what i just wrote and it shows just how i feel. i am a bunch of short, choppy sentences. broken and cut off, not fully realizing their potential. we had so much potential, my baby and i, but we were cut short. now i am left broken and feeling cut off from what i know should and could be.

do i go to holidays at the in-laws and have my heart ripped out again? do i sit through the torture of watching a baby boy be passed around like mine should have been last year? or...... do i suck it up and go, so that i do not let down those i love and hold most dear?

them or me, them or me. it seems like a battle i can't win. so i guess in the end it boils down to what will hurt the most?

i just don't know.
but i think i do.
but i don't ....


paula

The most important things

"The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them -- words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out. But it's more than that, isn't it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That's the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a tellar but for want of an understanding ear."
— Stephen King (Different Seasons)