it's all good

it is what my husband said to me as i was getting off the phone with him today. but you know what it is NOT all good. it will never be ALL good ever again. there will undoubtedly be moments that are good or even great but without all my babies here without wyatt held safely in my arms without my dreams recognized it will never be All good again. those days of being blissfully happy, i am afraid, are soooo far behind me, i may never be able to find them again.

and i have decided to stop holding back. i have a few people who have asked to read this and i don't mind them being here with me in this place. as long as they don't mind hearing what i truly without any reservations have to say. sometimes it will not be pretty and sometimes it may be about them. but i sought out this place for a reason and it was so i would have a place to be me without having to worry about anyone else. and from here on out that is what i intend to do.

so from here on out buckle up it is going to be a bumpy ride.

paula

"What happens when you lose your heart's desire?"
— Stephenie Meyer (New Moon)

i think this is what happens.


"I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like this. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting this is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning."
— Stephen Chbosky (The Perks of Being a Wallflower)


when will it stop spinning??? 


paula

"I talk to God but the sky is empty." ~ Sylvia Plath

this is how i feel. alone and abandoned. like god isn't there. and why do babies have to die? and sometimes i wonder if i am in some way a big joke to god? why does he even let me get pregnant if the baby is going to die? i mean 5 times without even trying, really??? but to go right along with that, 5 dead babies!! this has got to be a really bad joke. whatever, i am in a bit of a dark place right now. i am sure i will be better soon.

"She wasn't bitter. She was sad, though. But it was a hopeful kind of sad. The kind of sad that just takes time. "
— Stephen Chbosky (The Perks of Being a Wallflower)

well, maybe right now i am a little bitter. but hopeful, too. haven't lost that (hope) just yet. and i guess all of this will  just take time.

paula

Remembering my babies again tonight!!!

want to say THANK YOU to xavier's mommy, michelle at http://fridgefriends.blogspot.com/ , for these super sweet pics. of my babies names. remembering all of my babies tonight as i do every night.

 love you guys!!xoxo, mom

prayers???

use to believe in (prayers) now i just don't know. prayed so hard that sat. they called and told us something was wrong. prayed the whole way to the hospital that my baby would be ok, that my baby would live. prayed before that, when i was on the way to the hospital after the bleeding started, that me and my baby would be ok. guess what, we are not!!! found a blog that was talking about the power of prayer in a turning out good for that person kind of way. and i have to ask myself, what about the power of my prayers. were they not powerful enough? was my faith not powerful enough? was i yet again not enough? i don't know i am sad and i know if i were praying right now that my faith would not be enough and that makes me sad too. and there are things i would like to say but can't, or won't, or shouldn't. but on another note, the 7 degrees of kevin bacon thing is totally true and creepy and sucks!!!!

paula

How Grief Feels

You have a lump in your throat.
You’re nauseous.
The wind is knocked out of you.
Every inch of your body hurts, even your hair.
Yet you feel like your limbs aren’t attached to your torso.
All you want to do is sleep, but closing your eyes brings horrible images.
You scream, but your voice is gone.
Crying hurts.
Breathing hurts.
Living hurts.
Your head is splitting, and your ears are ringing.
There are bruises on your knees from being knocked to the ground.
You carry 1,000 pounds on your shoulders 24 hours a day.
You’re exhausted.
People speak around you, but you feel like you’re in a bubble.
There is always a sense of dread.
Your heart is broken.
You feel all of this all the time.
And yet…
This is only the tip of how grief feels.

by Heather on January 5, 2011 at

http://thespohrsaremultiplying.com/heather/how-grief-feels/

found this on facebook and thought WOW. because i thought my hair was the only hair that hurt. everyone always looks at me like i am crazy when i say that it does. so i have to admit i was beginning to think maybe i was a little bit crazy. nice to know that i am not.

paula

"Write what should not be forgotten." — Isabel Allende

found this quote today and is it not so true. my babies should not and will not be forgotten, so i will write about them everyday. it will not always be the same way in which i write about them but in some way in some form they will be remembered, so as never to be forgotten.

so today i say THANK YOU to...
micah's mommy at http://micahsgift.blogspot.com/
THANK YOU for taking the time to remember my babies.

all my babies names

mary lynn 12/18/94

this is before i had chosen to give names to my 2 early losses..this "little brown star" is now kendall 12/16/98

and this "little brown star" is named chandler 6/22/04

ethan daniel 1/24/05

wyatt daniel 8/8/10-8/21/10

all of these babies are loved and will never be forgotten!!

paula