nice days

"I believe the nicest and sweetest days are not those on which anything very splendid or wonderful or exciting happens, but just those that bring simple little pleasures, following one another softly, like pearls slipping off a string."
— L.M. Montgomery

nothing splendid or wonderful or exciting happened today, but there were some simple pleasures.

got to work with a wonderful woman, who is fast becoming a friend. she is teaching me how to crochet for a project i am hoping planning to do in memory of wyatt.(more on that later) and every time she sees me she has another little something made for the project and i am beyond grateful.

after work the past 2 days i have walked 4 miles on the green way with my daughter. this is such a wonderful time we spend together. the green way holds so many precious memories for me of my time with wyatt. he and i use to walk the same 4 miles everyday until i was put on bed rest and it was the first place i wanted to go after we found out he had passed away. now i am making more memories there with my daughter, she has just taken up walking as a form of exercise, and it feels like in some way it connects us all.

and to end the day, my daughter and i went to visit wyatt and bring him some new stuff. he got a new bunny and easter egg.

 just those simple little pleasures, made today a pretty wonderful day.

paula

"All morning I struggled with the sensation of stray wisps of one world seeping through the cracks of another. -- Margaret Lea" — Diane Setterfield (The Thirteenth Tale)

i work with an awesome lady, who i also call a friend. but in theory she is also my boss. and i cried in front of her today at work. i hate that. i also hate that i am so tired.....emotionally, physically, and spiritually. i hate that i feel so alone, so isolated, so by myself.

i was on the verge of tears most of the morning and then the rest of the day. i think part of the reason is "All morning I struggled with the sensation of stray wisps of one world seeping through the cracks of another." wyatt is so much a part of me that sometimes it just feels unreal that he is not here. sometimes when i think of him, it pulls me up short, when i realize he's not here. oh, how i wish he were here. the other reason for the tears, i realized later, his day is in 2 days. he will be 8 months. i miss him, but sometimes it is like the dreams i have, where he is here with me but i just can't seem to find a way to get to him. almost like a thin veil separates me and him. maybe that is it, maybe it is only a thin veil that does seperate us and he is closer than i think.

i think i will go to sleep with that thought.

and this one...

i wish he was here.

paula

my precious wonderful boy,
are you with me through out the day? is that why you feel so close? i miss you. i love you. words will never get it just right, the way i feel about you.
xoxo
mommy

Giveaway...

there is a giveaway going on.....and i am hoping if i enter enough giveaways, one day i might just actually win one. fingers croxxed.
so here is the giveaway. it is at lisaleonardonline.com. i am sure you have heard of her. she makes beautiful things.
this is what i have had my eye on...the  my treasure necklace
i want to remember my 5 treasures in heaven.
in addition, ever since i first found this necklace it has reminded me of the "jar of hearts" song. which i listen to ALL the time. i think it has kind of become my anthem.
anyway, not that i really want the competition, but go check it out.



paula

Letting go

Letting go doesn't mean we don't care. 

Letting go doesn't mean we shut down.

Letting go means we stop trying to force outcomes and make people behave.

It means we give up resistance to the way things are, for the moment.

It means we stop trying to do the impossible,

Controlling that which we cannot, 

And instead, focus on what is possible--

which usually means taking care of ourselves. 

And we do this in gentleness, kindness,

and love, as much as possible." 

~Melody Beattie

our electricity was out from 2:00 - 12:00 yesterday which means i got A LOT of sleep. but i did wake up at around 9:30 last night and accidentally woke my husband up too. which, it turns out was not a bad thing. he was know held captive in bed with no real place to go and nothing to do. so i just talked about everything that was on my mind and heart. i held back very little and i made myself expect nothing from him in return. that turned out to be a good thing because i got very little. but i do have to say in the beginning he was laying on his side with his back turned to me and by the time i got through talking he had rolled onto his back and closer to me. i am going to take this as a good sign, mainly because i need one, even if it is one i made up. but by the end of the night I felt better, just knowing that he knows how i feel and being able to get everything off my chest. i don't know if this is going to help but i hope it does.

so all that to say i am "Letting Go". it doesn't mean i don't care. it doesn't mean that i am shutting down. it does mean that i am going to stop trying to force outcomes and make my husband behave the way "I" think he should. It means i am going to give up resisting the way things are, for the moment. It means i am going to stop trying to do the impossible, controlling that which i cannot, and instead, focus on what is possible-which means taking care of myself. And doing this with gentleness, kindness, and love, as much as possible.

hopefully we will find our way back to the couple we use to be. maybe we won't. but maybe through all of this if i take care of me, i will come out of it ok.......

paula

Big Bro.

"For some life lasts a short while, but the memories it holds last forever."~Laura Swenson~

so my ten year old asked how old wyatt would be today if I had kept him inside ME longer and i told him almost 8 months.
then he asked if i thought wyatt would have gotten sick and died if I had kept him inside MY belly longer and i told him probably not.
he then told me if i was to ever have another baby and keep him in my belly long enough so that he lived, when he grew up he wanted to get "Big Bro" tattooed on his knuckles (which btw i don't get because none of us have tattoos but whatever) and i couldn't find the words to express to him that he is a big brother and he will always be, whether i have another baby or not.
he misses his brother.... he asks me questions about him everyday.

how do you explain all THIS to a 10 year old.... these are things he shouldn't have to know.


and i am going to be a little self-involved here...
but the worst thing, the VERY worst thing, is he kept saying what i have been feeling....
if I had managed to keep wyatt in MY belly none of this would have happened.
all of THIS is all my fault and he knows it/blames me too.


and then we read our bedtime story and did you know.......
sharks kill about 6 people every year
but every year people kill 100 million sharks.
i was starting to feel sorry for sharks but then we read this.......
sand tiger sharks give birth to just two live young-
which is all that's left after those two have eaten the other six babies in their mother's belly.

i no longer feel sorry for sharks...
this fact in a children's book .... wtf....could have done without that (but you probably could have to....sorry i shared) ......

where is the nearest rock, i just need to climb under one for oh......FOREVER!!

paula

wyatt buddy,
i love you sooooo much and i am so sorry my body failed you. i would do anything to change all this. but i wouldn't give up even 1 of the 13 days that i got to spend with you. i miss you little one.
mommy

fb sucks and sadness

well, sil is already posting on fb to the boyfriend about the new baby.....she just got deleted... as to not have to be a party to that any more.

dh and i are in a weird place....and we have been here for a couple of weeks now.....

started when a female co-worker of his got let go....... and we got into an argument over how upset he was over said termination........and later he proceeded to tell me in the 15yrs. we have been married he has never really loved me but has stayed because he has no where else to go...........

he later retracted said comment but it is just not right between us now.......
(sometimes his emotional maturity is that of a teenager in the "i hate you" and "you are so mean" kind of way)

and now this......

when i told him i would probably be declining any family get togethers for awhile, he got upset and told me i didn't have to act this way.

i"m sorry, yes,yes i do. for my own sanity and family peace, i do. i just wish he understood. and if another person even hints at the notion that i should feel sorry for a 30yr. old woman who got herself into this predicament.....they might get punched in the genitals also (along with husband and life)......hello !!!! when you are single with three kids and on food stamps and have made it blatantly clear you do not want to have more kids, it is called birth control, dumb ass!!!! in any form you can find it....in fact why don't you just go ahead and double up on that stuff....just to be sure.

all of this is to say that i am sad :(
and unfortunately life as i know it does not seem to be getting any batter.:( :(
wish it would...

i miss wyatt.


"And I felt like my heart had been so thoroughly and irreparably broken that there could be no real joy again, that at best there might eventually be a little contentment. Everyone wanted me to get help and rejoin life, pick up the pieces and move on, and I tried to, I wanted to, but I just had to lie in the mud with my arms wrapped around myself, eyes closed, grieving, until I didn’t have to anymore."
— Anne Lamott (Operating Instructions: A Journal of My Son's First Year)


paula

who flung poo

lots-o posts from me today....but my monkey brain needed to fling some poo and edumacate the masses.... here's your bit-o-history for the day...

The Pony Express, one of the most famous chapters in U.S. history, only lasted a little over a year, from April 1860 to October 1861.

"I am a Woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal Woman,
that's me."
— Maya Angelou

paula