One Year

My precious little baby... gone far too soon for this heart to bear... it's been a more than a  year since I carried you safely in my body... a whole year since we said goodbye. But it's been a breath since I have missed you, a breath since I've grieved, a breath since this heart has longed for you and ached for you.

but i guess this year that i am bemoaning is bringing me 1 year closer to you.

i miss you baby....but i am thankful for the good day you gave us before the last.

 8/20/11 was the day my baby boy opened his eye, to give us a wink.

 

 

 8/21/11 was the day we got to hold our son for the first time and that time was made bittersweet because we were also holding him for our last time.

he fought so hard and deserved so much more.  i miss you my little man. and i love you more than you will ever know. ~ mom

my baby boy

he should be one by now. we should have had a big ole' party for him and his sister together. but alas that did not happen and never will.

but he was mine. even if only for thirteen days, he was mine. and i miss him. and i want him back. more than anything in the world.......
 I WANT HIM BACK!!!!

“Sometimes, no matter how much faith we have, we lose people. But you never forget them. And sometimes, it’s those memories that
give us the faith to go on.”
-Anonymous


 i think about him, my little guy.  i think about this quote. the quote has got it all right. if it were not for the hope of seeing my son again someday i would have given up on faith. but that hope, that blind faith that deep inside me says i will see him again keeps me from giving up.

paula


dear baby boy, i am sorry we really didn't celebrate your birthday this year. but i think you know that and i think you understand. just know that had you been here with us we would have done it up right!! i can't wait till the day that we can celebrate together. i love you forever and always and to the moon and back.
~mom
p.s. could you and you brothers and sisters look out for kayla and cameron down here. there is just so much going on right now that i think if they could angels near by it couldn't hurt. and send the best at calming the storms to travel with your daddy. he seems to be in some turbulent waters at this time.
p.p.s. don't forget a family sandwich for me.
i love each and everyone of you.....
        mary, brown star 1&2,ethan, wyatt 
~mom           

me

"She wasn't bitter. She was sad, though. But it was a hopeful kind of sad. The kind of sad that just takes time. "
— Stephen Chbosky (The Perks of Being a Wallflower)

i wish others just new and understood that it takes lots and lots of time.

paula

HEY K!! This ones for you.

so my daughter says if i don't start posting more often she is going to stop reading. so this post is for her.

first and foremost happy belated birthday to you k, from my blog. the big 15, i can't even believe it. it has all gone by way to fast. i love you and the woman you are becoming. (how cheesy is that? but it is true!)

this is me and my k on her birthday.....

isn't she lovely??? i may be biased, but i definitely think she is. and you can't see it in the picture but she is also really smart and sensitive and so good at taking care of me. oh! and responsible, can't forget that. she has been waking me up for school since she was in the 3rd or 4th grade! isn't that amazing! amazing in that a child that young could be that together and amazing in that her mother could be that big a slacker!!! btw she still wakes me up. but as the commercial says "depression hurts" and makes you super sleepy. i would sleep all day if they (and by "they" i mean the world in general and my people. because for reasons unknown to me "my people" seem to like me awake and spending time with them) would let me.anyway, please excuse all the run on sentences it seems to be how my brain rolls these days. maybe it is the untreated adhd? who knows. don't like to mix my meds and fibromyalgia and depression first, adhd second.

second, k is a voracious reader. she likes all types of books and if she comes across one she really enjoys, she will lock herself in her room and finish it in a matter of hours. WILL GRAYSON, WILL GRAYSON by  John Green & David Levithan 2010 is one of those books. she asked me to read it and i thoroughly enjoyed it. and as many of you may know, i LOVE a great quote. so without further ado, in regards to my life and my loss, this is the quote that spoke to me most. (p.s. k i also underlined this in your book, in pen, hope you don't mind.?. ;0).......

'when things break, it's not the actual breaking that prevents them from getting back together again. it's because a little piece gets lost -- the two remaining ends couldn't fit together even if they wanted to. the whole shape has changed.'

i think this speaks to my heart. so many pieces of my heart are broke and missing that it could never be the same heart again, even if i wanted it to.......................................... 'the whole shape has changed.'

k, i hope you enjoyed this post. thank you for recommending this book, i loved it. but never as much as i love you. i want you to know, that if a mother and daughter could co-exist as best friends you would be mine. but i would never wish that to be, because i am so blessed to be your mom! i know your birthday wasn't the happiest on record, but i hope there was a lot of happiness mixed in. ~ love, your mom

one more of me and my girl.... i love her!!

and this was her birthday present last year......

how could we ever top that? she often asks "who takes a birthday present back after only 13 days?" i would like to know the answer to that question myself.....but that is a post for another day.

if there is still anyone out there reading this (because even my daughter is threatening to quit :) good night.

paula

forever mourning

The Mourner's Bill of Rights by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

Though you should reach out to others as you do the work of mourning, you should not feel obligated to accept the unhelpful responses you may receive from some people. You are the one who is grieving, and as such, you have certain "rights" no one should try to take away from you.
The following list is intended both to empower you to heal and to decide how others can and cannot help. This is not to discourage you from reaching out to others for help, but rather to assist you in distinguishing useful responses from hurtful ones.

1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief.

No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. So, when you turn to others for help, don't allow them to tell what you should or should not be feeling.

2. You have the right to talk about your grief.

Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief. If at times you don't feel like talking, you also have the right to be silent.

3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions.

Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Others may try to tell you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Don't take these judgmental responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings without condition.

4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits.

Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. And don't allow others to push you into doing things you don't feel ready to do.

5. You have the right to experience "griefbursts."

Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.

6. You have the right to make use of ritual.

The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. More importantly, the funeral is a way for you to mourn. If others tell you the funeral or other healing rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don't listen.

7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality.

If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with who won't be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.

8. You have the right to search for meaning.

You may find yourself asking, "Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?" Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. And watch out for the clichéd responses some people may give you. Comments like, "It was God's will" or "Think of what you have to be thankful for" are not helpful and you do not have to accept them.

9. You have the right to treasure your memories.

Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share them.

10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal.

Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.

still here....still hanging on.
still mourning.....forever mourning.
wondering if this will ever???
what?? what am i hoping will happen???
be less? go away? get better? change?
not sure....
thought it was wise to know my "rights" though.             
thought i might share them with you.


12 more days unttil wyatt's birthday
what to do? what to do?


will this ever get any easier?


paula

pictures , quotes ,and my thoughts on quotes...

“The greatest treasures are those invisible to the eye but found by the heart.” Anonymous

Wyatt is my heart and my greatest treasure!!

“Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dream.” Anonymous

Wyatt is my dream.....and the fear of suffering (because i did not go into this blind) would have been the worst suffering had i not gone in search of my dream.

i loved him.with my whole heart i loved him. coming up on his 1 yr birthday, that he shares with his sister, what is a heart broken mommy to do??? i just don't know.

dear sweet baby wyatt, you will always be that tiny baby to me, i miss you sooooo much. there just are no words to describe it. i love you with my whole heart and i always will.
family sandwich time
mommy

dreaming with a broken heart... & pooh

totally borrowing the title from a song by john mayer. but it's true, i am dreaming with a broken heart. though, in my case, the waking up isn't the hardest part. the dreaming is. my dreams, so far, have just not been pleasant.

so, i had a dream i forgot to feed the baby. no real chance of that happening, huh? and in it wyatt was reaching for his grandma and trying to get away from me. this is not the first dream i have had about him but like the other's it wasn't a "good" dream or a dream that left me feeling at "peace", like everything was ok. in all my dreams so far, i have been failing in some way or the other. in some, i can't find him. in others, i don't have the things he needs. and, still in others, i can't save him from the "bad" people who are trying to take him from me or can't seem to get him to want to stay with me. i wonder what this says about me? unfortunately, i am afraid i know. :( so most of the time, i just take my happy pills, so as not to dream AT ALL!! i wish i could get to the peaceful visit you in your dreams part of this. fingers crossed i get there soon.

anyway, pooh has some very thought provoking words to go along with dreaming.

"I think we dream so we don’t have to be apart for so long. If we’re in each other’s dreams, we can be together all the time." —  (Winnie-the-Pooh)

oh, how i wish we could be together all the time. but i guess if the only way we can be together is in my dreams, i will take them good or bad.

and in the words of my loving mother, she "THINKs POOH IS A REALLY SMART FELLOW".
(you will have to excuse her screaming at you. i just copied and pasted this from f@cebook and this is how she types (she is gettind old and can't see the letters if she doesn't type in all caps, haha)

so here are some other poohisms.......

"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard." — (Winnie-the-Pooh)
“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”(Winnie-the-Pooh)

 

"Sometimes,' said Pooh, 'the smallest things take up the most room in your heart." — (Winnie-the-Pooh)

 

 "I used to believe in forever, but forever's too good to be true" — (Winnie-the-Pooh)

"Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day." — (Winnie-the-Pooh)

"The things that make me different are the things that make me." — (Winnie the Pooh)

that last one is just for me......i read other blogs and feel so unexceptional. others out their are so eloquent and seem to have such an understanding of their grief, or at least the ability to put it in to words that others can understand. i do not have this ability. so i stick to my quotes and expand on them, almost like a prompt. but you see that's the thing, "The things that make me different are the things that make me." — (Winnie the Pooh), that's just me. i am not a writer, never wanted/professed to be one. this is just my journey, my way of working all this out, my tail, if you will. and in the words of eeyore "It's not much of a tail, but I'm sort of attached to it."

to anyone out there still reading this.....

hope you have a peaceful weekend.

paula

dear sweet baby of mine, hope to see you in my dreams. i love to see you, no matter what. i will you forever and always.
family sandwich time,
mommy