Fast Five

i went and saw Fast Five this weekend with the fam.
you would think that would be a harmless enough movie to go see right? (as far as babyloss goes)
maybe for some, but not for me.
part of the plot line is about someone announcing their pregnancy.
really, in a movie about stealing cars and running from "the law", someone has to announce their pregnant?
and i love these movies. i really do!! why did they have to go and ruin it for me? (can you say self absorbed?)
i was having a great time, looking at all the pretty boys and fast cars, and then WHAM!!! someone announces their pregnant......and they celebrate and raise a glass.
and now i am sad because even though i have been pregnant 7 times, we have never made it a celebration.
the reasons for this are.....
the first time i was still in high school.....
and all the other times we weren't trying and were scared as hell because we had lost the first.
so now in the middle of my happy, mindless movie, i am sad and jealous of a fictional character.
could life get any better???
why yes it can!!
because the happy, hopeful me is still buried somewhere deep inside me and she likes to rear her ugly head and say things like.....
if we have anymore babies we are going to name them dominic and xander after vin diesel characters.......
WHAM!!!! again.......
with the way things are going i have very little hope left....(can you run out of rainbows??? i have already used 2, is there a limit??)
and just so the movie ends on a high note for me (because it is all about me, right??)
i get to sit through the end with my eyes closed because now we have a big pregnant belly on the screen.....
and you see that was my dream this time....
i wanted too much.....
because i wanted it all..
i wanted the belly and belly pictures
i wanted happily ever after
i wanted to bring home a baby to hold in my arms and watch grow
i wanted happiness and all i seem to be left with is a whole bunch of sadness.....
and did my husband reach out and take my hand???
did he ask if i was ok???
did he give me a hug afterwards and tell me he loved me???
nope because i should be over "this"
and the person i use to refer to as my rock, has now gone and squashed me flat.



and just in case i haven't already made this all about me........please pray for us. we are not in a good place right now and neither of us seem to know how to get back to one.


paula