16 years

first let me say thanks to Carly for this beautiful butterfly in memory of my first born/loss at 20wks., mary lynn, and for hosting the giveaway so that i had a chance to win. here is the picture...

isn't it wonderful...

 mary lynn would have been 16 this year and this makes me think of what she would have been like.... a free spirit like this butterfly perhaps?

i can't help but wonder...16yrs. has it been that long? and what would having a 16yr. old girl be like? what would she be like? who would she look like?

since losing wyatt, i have been dealing with the loss of all my babies because before now we just didn't talk about it. so it is almost like losing everyone all over again. and it has made all this pain that much harder.

in most of the blogs i read and in my blog, it has been said "when i hold my babies again in heaven", that statement has me pondering tonight. my husband and i talked about heaven right after wyatt died. at the time i imagined wyatt still being a baby when i got there but my husband thought he would be all grown up waiting to play football with his daddy. but when i think about mary, i don't think of her as a baby anymore, i think of her as a sixteen year old. so i wonder which it is? will they have stayed babies or will they have grown up? will i be holding my infant or embracing my adult child? i don't know, i just know that i lost a baby 16 years ago and now i can only seem to think of her as a 16yr. old girl, and today it feels that i have lost that too.

i still miss her to this day and i am glad that there is a place i can talk about and remember her. and i am so thankful that there are people out there who help make beautiful memorials in honor of her. thanks again Carly.

paula