it should have been me...

i feel so selfish....and it has me in a total funk.

i mentioned recently about the 7 degrees of kevin bacon...come to find out it is 6 degrees but whatever. it is also known as the 6 degrees of separation and this is what wikipedia has to say about it...
Six degrees of separation (also referred to as the "Human Web") refers to the idea that everyone is on average approximately six steps away from any other person on Earth, so that a chain of, "a friend of a friend" statements can be made, on average, to connect any two people in six steps or fewer. It was originally set out by Frigyes Karinthy and popularized by a play written by John Guare.

well it hit home...

short back story.. i have had 4 other losses before wyatt. but i did a really good(bad) job of burying them deep and moving on. didn't look for any closer, didn't deal with my grief, just moved on. but wyatt brought it all home and now i am not just grieving for 1, i am grieving for 5. that is what brought me to the internet looking for answers. because of the internet i was able to find all of these wonderful blogs, but one of these blogs led me to the blog of the mom whose little baby was across from us in the nicu. see the 6 degrees of separation mentioned above.

her baby is still alive. and thriving. mine is not.

and her blog.... i check it every day. because come to find out i am a masochist and love to just roll around in my pain.

anywhoo.... i am jealous. i am jealous of people who have had to endure too much. and to make myself feel better i try to tell myself that i wouldn't have wanted my baby to have to go through surgeries and months in the nicu, but if i am really honest, if it would have meant my baby would still have been here with me, what wouldn't i have done. and i am jealous. and i feel badddd about that.

but i still go and look everyday to see the latest update. and deep down i am happy for these people. but i can't help but feel it should have been me, but then that's not right, it should have been all of us because NOBODY should have to go through THIS.

paula